You've been doing what you are accusing her of doing. If you think it is/was in the better interest of the kids to have more of you, then you should be on that like a fly on sh*t regardless of DBing (some might disagree but I don't see how)...for you to go this long as is and then try to vie for my time because she wants a divorce seems disingenuous. Regardless if you believe it is better, check yourself, run it by a pro (not just us shmos here) and then act on it.
I ta;lk about it a lot with IC. I've gone through different periods and tried different approaches. fpor a while I was hanging around the house all the time and that really worked. Then things got weird and I backed off for a while. I tried to do more over the phone. I tried to shuttle them to activities. Tried a bunch of things. What I've concluded is that I need to be closer so that's the reason for same school attendance zone. I can be close but not have to spend too much time the other house which can be awkward. I hope to find a place soon.
This stuff would sort out pretty fast if the marriage ended...I hope to save it though and in the interim it is hard to figure out how far to push
Being present for your children is about your emotional commitment, not just time. Separation and divorce comes at a high cost, as you know. What and when are the kids the most comfortable and secure? I doubt it is when they are shuttled all over the place. But I don't know. My kids are so discombobulated just having Mommy's place and Daddy's place. Maybe some of this is incremental and changes over time.
The kids, what is going suit and serve them best? Not what is going to make you feel like a better dad or "blessed" to have them...or what makes W feel like she won and is making you pay etc.
Don't go for 50/50...you ARE the primary caregiver. Get it on paper! Why be the primary care giver and let her reap the financial benefits of it?
How could you possibly give this advice without more info? Seriously, I'm sure know one will just listen to us shmos here and follow our advice without more thought but really, don't you think there may be more to it?
And, this isn't about her reaping benefits, it is about the kids.
The kids, what is going suit and serve them best? Not what is going to make you feel like a better dad or "blessed" to have them...or what makes W feel like she won and is making you pay etc.
I would never put myself or my feeling ahead of the kids and I don't believe W would once she was really forced to figure it out. This is a conversation that brings psychology, emotions and personal opinions, and the law together in a challenging way. In my lifetime we saw behavioral psychology give way to cognitive psychology. We are always learning, growing and evolving. Bottom line is all of this takes people doing the right thing. Having 50/50 custody would not excuse me from working with W to figure out the right habitation regimen and other scheduling issues for Ds. It does however guide us both in terms of our rights and responsibilities as co parents to the children we brought into the world together.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
The kids, what is going suit and serve them best? Not what is going to make you feel like a better dad or "blessed" to have them...or what makes W feel like she won and is making you pay etc.
I would never put myself or my feeling ahead of the kids and I don't believe W would once she was really forced to figure it out. This is a conversation that brings psychology, emotions and personal opinions, and the law together in a challenging way. In my lifetime we saw behavioral psychology give way to cognitive psychology. We are always learning, growing and evolving. Bottom line is all of this takes people doing the right thing. Having 50/50 custody would not excuse me from working with W to figure out the right habitation regimen and other scheduling issues for Ds. It does however guide us both in terms of our rights and responsibilities as co parents to the children we brought into the world together.
A&K...this was a response to ClingingtoHope, not RSF. If because of his W's long hours, he is the primary care giver, spending more time (and $$$) with and on the kids, why not? If he's filling the role...put it on paper. From a legal, custody agreement standpoint, why shouldn't he be the custodial parent.
In my case, if I have my D half the time or more, why would I sign an agreement saying I'm not the custodial parent, thus paying the statutory 20% in CS? If you read my story above, my exW wanted 20% of my net income in spite of our 50/50 shared custody agreement. We were already splitting the cost of putting roofs over her head, clothes on her back, food on the table, extracurricular activities, daycare, medical costs, etc. On top of that she wanted 20% of my income. The judge saw what she was doing and awarded her 20% of the difference in our incomes.
All I'm saying is the legal agreement should be consistent with the actual day-to-day agreement. I've seen too many dads that have an 80/20 custody agreement with the standard 20% in CS, yet spend much more time with their kids and incur the related costs of that time.
Last edited by billclay18; 10/01/0909:48 PM.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
In my case, if I have my D half the time or more, why would I sign an agreement saying I'm not the custodial parent, thus paying the statutory 20% in CS? If you read my story above, my exW wanted 20% of my net income in spite of our 50/50 shared custody agreement. We were already splitting the cost of putting roofs over her head, clothes on her back, food on the table, extracurricular activities, daycare, medical costs, etc. On top of that she wanted 20% of my income. The judge saw what she was doing and awarded her 20% of the difference in our incomes.
To Bill Clay, I'm interested in your situation. If we go down the D road, the house is a major rope around our necks. She hates it -- too big and hard to keep clean -- and I've tired of it as well -- too old, too much needs replacing.
In our one good talk, we agreed we'd sell it regardless as soon as we can get out without losing money.
Then I wouldn't know what's next. A lot of things are in my favor financially. I haven't talked to a lawyer so I don't know the laws in my state on child support. She makes more than me and I'd love to have the kids more and pay less.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
You and I are in the same state. I believe statutory CS is 20% for one child, 28% for two or more. Nothing wrong with contacting a lawyer to get your ducks in a row. Initial consultations are usually free. I advise a female lawyer.
Since you aren't at the point of starting the process, continue DB'ing as best you can. If and when you get to that point, give me a shout. I'm no expert, but I've been down this road. 3-1/2 yrs from the bomb to the D being final.
Incidentally, my D11 is a well adjusted, happy, straight A student and accomplished gymnast & violinist. In spite of all we went through, my exW and I were always committed to raising our D11 the best we could and put our issues aside for her sake and now have a very good co-parenting R.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
I see this as an opportunity. I'm not reading the other's posts because I don't want to be swayed. Let's say finances turns into one of her reasons to work this out....I had a friend ask "Well, what if H stays with you for the wrong reasons?" I asked "What would qualify as a wrong reason?" "You know, money, would be a bad reason. He doesn't want to lose your income, your insurance coverage, etc." While that's a great question, here's how I feel about it: Let's say H does stay with money as one of his main reasons....ok, not the best reason emotionally speaking, but who cares what makes them stay or come back? What matters is that you work it out so that one day they say "Man, glad I was broke or afraid to be alone, or what ever "bad, selfish reason" because now we're happy." Does that make sense?
Anyways, with that crazy rambling, this could be an opportunity. Maybe do some research into what the courts would do financially for you both with 50/50 child split. Show her how much different it's going to be when you governed by the courts as to what you and she will be obligated to be responsible for. Show her how tight things are going to continue to be. Not in a threatening kind of way, but use this as an opportunity for a reality check and the opportunity to show her you are looking at life with her as a divorced co-parenting unit......
