Good-bye

[VAnot4lovers]

Corri --

I'm sitting here crying as I read through your post, and the many replies from those whom you've helped (or if you haven't, it's not from lack of effort on your part). Even though I have much less time to spend on the boards than when my wife was out of town, like the others I really look forward to your insights.

As an uncommunicative selfish H myself, I'm going to try for a little bit to take a devil's advocate position and try to articulate some possible interpretations of what your H might not be able to. No guarantees I'm right, and this doesn't mean I necessarily agree with him, but I hope it may help.

we went to a tailgate party three weeks ago, at which I ignored him the whole time we were there.

This one's kind-of hard to address without more detail, but what was the context? A tailgate with who? Your (collective) friends, your (personal) friends, his (personal) friends? Each has a different dynamic. I sounds as though he wanted to be there as a couple and feels like instead you were two individuals; he ended up feeling like a 5th wheel. If his self-confidence was low or he was feeling depressed, it wouldn't take much to do that -- "Why even come if she's going to spend the whole time over there talking with her girlfriends (and probably telling them all about everywhere I come up short)." I don't know who's idea it was, or whether this is something you do all the time, occasionally, or once in a blue moon; that also makes a difference. I'm guessing that he's either thinking, "Why did ask me to come to this if she doesn't even want to be with me?" or, "I asked her to come to this because I thought she'd enjoy being out together, and now she's not even 'here' [with me]."

Two Friday nights ago he came home from the worst week of his life at work and I had fixed dinner for everyone but him...but then I didn't even offer to make him something after he informed me that he had not eaten!

Did you know, or could/should have inferred that he was having "the worst week of his life at work...?" Was he "out after work with his co-workers for drinks" to try to either improve the situation or commiserate with others in it? It seems that he let you know he wouldn't be home on time, but that when he got home "...it wouldn't be late." Was it late? Does he always let you know when he will/won't be home? A couple of possibilities here, but is sounds as though he probably feels like he was trying to be considerate and did everything he could to let you know what his situation was. Are there normally leftovers? Do you normally (or even on a reasonably frequent basis) offer to fix him something when "...he informe[s] me that he had not eaten?" If this was a change "down" from his expectations (whether reasonable to you or not), then he'd feel snubbed, neglected, etc., especially since he'd gone out of his way to let you know what was going on and come home early -- especially if he left the group before it completely broke up.

In the past three weeks I've turned him down once for sex.

We all know you've been working on this one; deep down I'm sure he does, too. But again, when did this happen in relation to the above two episodes? Was this with a gentle promise of more another time soon or a blast from a Siberian winter? Since you started working on this, when was the last time you turned him down (or did so in this manner)? I'm sure at that point he felt that things were going right back to the "bad old days" in this area, and depending on the timing, part of the pattern of neglect he'd seen in the previous two examples.

Then there's the dog. I got the dog when he emphatically told me he didn't want one.

I'm sure you remember my cat story. Well, on a good day I can tolerate "Thing 1 and Thing 2." I may even scratch behind their ears a little bit. On a bad day, as I think I said before, they're a pair of living, breathing, getting into everything, destructive, flea-bearing , in-my-face reminders that MY WIFE DOESN'T CARE WHAT I THINK!!! And this is before I'm asked to clean up after them, pay a vet bill, need to get shed hair off of clothes, upholstery, etc., which really rubs salt in the wound. Well, enough said on that rant, except to say that they're a "gift that keeps on giving."

The clencher, though, is that I am spending way too much time on these boards, telling you all too much about my life, our details, and then on top of all that, I put my URL address on my profile for a day...

There are two dynamics here. The first one is time. How much time have you been on the boards when he's home? Have you ever put him off with, "...just a few minutes, honey" because you were in the middle of writing a post? For that matter, how often have you put him off, even briefly, while doing something else on your computer, that it wouldn't be unreasonable (from his point of view) to think that you were on the boards? Again here, perception is reality, and the time you spend helping all of us (which we truly appreciate) is time that's unavailable to him.

Then there's the privacy issue. There are too many possible things to address here, but a couple of thoughts. First, intimacy as a touchy area for most of us (no pun intended), and so the fact you're even on such a board probably makes your H very uncomfortable. Then there are all the terrible things you're broadcasting to the world about him, as in "My H is an inconsiderate, self-centered, beast who never does anything for me and thinks about sex 24/7 and on top of that is a lousy lover..." Not that you've actually said that, but how does he know? I'm fairly sure he doesn't read your posts, so telling him you don't probably isn't particularly comforting. Besides, if he's predisposed to thinking that's what you're saying, I'm sure he could read it "between the lines" even if he saw your posts. To make matters worse, if he did read your posts, he could find all kinds of implied criticism. Any statement you make about "men" in general, he'll see as pointed directly at him. And if it's something he might not exactly want to see emblazoned for all the world -- like, for example, "What is it about this male fascination with an orifice designed for one-way traffic?" [I may not have gotten it precisely right, but you remember the discussion] -- it's going to cut deeply. So, to borrow a phrase from John Gray, he's heading for his cave, and he's going to be there awhile...and if you aren't there waiting breathlessly for him when he comes out, then that validates whatever he was thinking when he went in.

Now, is expecting you to be "waiting breathlessly for him when he comes out" reasonable or, more to the point, realistic? Of course not...but expectations don't need to be either.

He said there wasn't anthing I could do, it's just the way things are. It's just the way I am.

Hoops, kids. I don't think our issue is about sex and it never has been. It's about jumping through an endless stream of hoops.

Your R didn't get where it was in a day, and it won't change in a day, either. You move two steps up and one step back, and every time you backslide, your H sees a trend back to the way things used to be. It sounds like he's depressed and lonely. Of course, you know that you can't change that. The best you can do is to provide a better environment in which he can feel safe to start -- or (probably) from his perspective, continue -- changing himself.

We all jump through hoops -- at work, with our kids, with our spouses -- it's part of life. I disagree with your statement: your issue IS about sex and it ALWAYS has been. BUT, that doesn't mean it's unipolar, that you can say "We've solved the sex issue, now everything is great." It's vitally important to your husband. If he's like me (and it sounds like we may have much in common), it's the most powerful validation you can give him, sometimes the only one that counts, and he's been hurting for a long time.

That being said, you've decided to pick up the ball and run with it. You've made some major changes, and believe me, he's noticed. At the same time, the very fact you've improved that aspect allows other areas of dissatisfaction to start bubbling to the surface. Are we all dissatisfied with our spouses? I highly doubt we'd be here if we weren't. Does that mean we don't love them? Of course not, but they may not be feeling it. I can't be sure, but I'd guess that at least part of the "hoops" you're going through right now are your husband's efforts to begin reacting to the positive changes you've made, all the time fearful that he's going to make a mistake and that things will go back to the way they were, or even worse than before. He's constantly on guard for signs that might be happening, and so he's seeing them even when they aren't there. He's probably a royal pain to live with. "Things never change" may well be a defense mechanism, some armor he can put around his feelings to keep them from getting hurt. It won't work (in the long run), but a lot of us aren't smart enough to see it.

Well, I've gone on far longer than I intended. Like your other "fans," I sure hope that you can work out some kind of compromise and come back. We're going to really miss you.

But let me ask one more question. "Now granted, I had to drag all of this out of him because he didn't feel he needed to share this information with me as things never change and he should never expect otherwise." Going back to before you started making conscious changes, could you have even dragged this level of detail out of him? I suspect that even if you could have (and I'm doubtful), it would have been much more work. Yes, in some ways he's being immature and childish. But none of us likes to get hurt. Keep working on him. You (collective and individual) are worth it!