They have both seemed to manage OK this past year...why are things harder now?
My understanding is that he wants to change it because he wants to improve his situation.
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I just don't want RSF screwing himself for years to come because of guilt he feels due to the poor decisions he's made in the past. Divorce sucks, regardless of fault or cause, everyone suffers financially.
Oh my, this is a hot one for me. Everyone on the board talks about the WAWs dealing with the financial ramifications of their decision to leave/divorce but really I'm eventually probably going to get hit just as hard as if I had walked away, had an affair etc because I have been so dependent for so long.
Exactly A&K, There's already an assumption in this equation that we all take a hit financially. No way around it.
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
My sad and empathetic self wants to say you should suffer and take at least some of the hit. My objective self thinks divorce is divorce and sucks, you should be fair and honest but still take care of yourself.
So right now we are in an unrealistic state of limbo. It's not real. My life isn't real. I can't provide a comparable home and quality of life on my end to what W has now.
So are you saying because of my mistakes I should endure that? If so, is it fair to me, really? Is it fair to Ds? How long do I do it? What are the appropriate terms? Do I concede custody and give up time with the girls because their other environment is better?
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
My sitch may be different because I have been primary care giver for so long. I think you should consider what the arrangement was prior to your leaving and what it has been since (a year sets a precedence)...why would what you have lived with for a year no longer be acceptable? Just as she has to learn to not make it about the two of you and your drama, you need to as well (I know that is why you are posting and you are cognizant of that). But, why should it change now, other than that she has refused your offer to reconcile?
Because whats happening now is wrong. Nothing that happened in the past make the current arrangement right. I'm willing to go a long long way but I'm not willing to give up my role as father of my children. Dispite my many flaws and mistakes I think my being an equal force and presence in their lives is highly desirable.
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
Overall, divorce (at least in my state) is a very cut and dry mathematical and logistical process. Fairness may or may not be accounted for. Go see a L, actually two. See what you are theoretically entitled to (varies depending on the L so get a rough idea)...and work from that.
Got that covered. Generally speaking we both come in equal in terms of requirements for custody. But as is the case in many states if you haven't settled before walking into a court room its hard to predict where things will end up.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
They have both seemed to manage OK this past year...why are things harder now?
My understanding is that he wants to change it because he wants to improve his situation.
Not sure if you're referring to his financial or marital situation. Marital situation is out of his control. Financial situation is what the judicial system dictates is equitable. I have no way of knowing if 1/3 of his income is or is not equitable. Judge may decide if what's worked so far works, no need to change anything. Judge may decide adjustments need to be made. Judge won't care that he had an A and left or that he came back and wanted to reconcile, nor should he...that's a moral not a legal issue. I've seen too many people "give in" in an effort to make it easier or get it over with only to screw themselves. No need to compound past mistakes with future mistakes.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
I was answering your question about "why are things harder now?" if they have both seemed to manage ok this past year. The answer (correct me if I'm wrong RSF) is that he no longer wants to compensate financially for having left the marriage and wants to make it more legit. I'm saying what you're saying. But it sucks being on the left behind and financially screwed end of it.
So are you saying because of my mistakes I should endure that? If so, is it fair to me, really? Is it fair to Ds? How long do I do it? What are the appropriate terms? Do I concede custody and give up time with the girls because their other environment is better?
No, I am saying that you need to recognize that you have set a precedent based on an expectation that she might come back to you. Expect her to feel bombed again and just do what you have to do.
It just sucks but it is what it is.
Figure out (perhaps with an outside person...IC, D's C, L etc) what is in the kids' best interest.
I'm sorry but as of right now, with H having seen the kids twice a week and doing whatever pleases him (travel, GF etc), the idea of him reducing our kids to living in two tiny places and him taking them half the time is just another punch in the gut. If he wants to and will stick to more time with them, I wont fight it. If I can only get enough money right now to have their lifestyle diminished significantly with both of us (as opposed to having one modest house and he being in an apartment), so be it. But, man does it burn.
There is nothing "fair" about the whims of the walkaway.
And RSF, you know I have great affection and empathy for you.
Regardless, I still think the most stable and healthy set-up for the kids is #1.
I was answering your question about "why are things harder now?" if they have both seemed to manage ok this past year. The answer (correct me if I'm wrong RSF) is that he no longer wants to compensate financially for having left the marriage and wants to make it more legit. I'm saying what you're saying. But it sucks being on the left behind and financially screwed end of it.
Yes it does suck being on that end. I feel like I've been putting it off and I keep putting it off for DBing and other reasons. I would rather wait even longer and save my marriage. I would suck it up for a long time but it may come back to burn me.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I agree with A&K, in most situations it's best for there to be one custodial parent and one place the children truly consider home and that should be with whomever was the primary caregiver over the years.
My case is somewhat unique in that my ex and I were equals as far as care giving and time spent with our D11. If that wasn't the case, the mediator would not have come to the conclusion he did. One of the conditions of our agreement was that our D11 would go to school where ever my ex lived, however we both had to live in in a certain predefined area. This ensured that that my D11 would go to good schools and that my ex couldn't move 50 miles away with her.
RSF, you've got to take an honest look at your sitch. Was your W the primary caregiver? Did she spend more time with the kids? If so, the courts will most likely favor her and rightfully so.
Your desire for 50/50 custody is honorable, but is it best for the kids? Will it upset their lives and routine too much? Only you can answer that.
I consider myself truly blessed that I have my D11 in my life as much as I do.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
The point is although I still loved my W and wanted to reconcile (for my D's sake if no other), I separated the personal side from the business side and got the best outcome possible short of saving my marriage. I was not going to let myself be screwed in custody or financially by "playing" nice hoping for a marital outcome beyond my control.
I'm in a similar spot. As the LBS, I'm giving her nearly $1,000 a month (28 percent of net income) plus 25 percent of money from a side job. She has the house and the kids. She makes $8,000 more a year than I do. We gutted my IRA to fix the basement after a flood so she has $30,000 more in her pension. She also ran up $15,000 in credit card debt that I'm paying right now.
So financially, if it comes to a D, I'll come out much better off than I am now. So finances don't scare me, but I also wouldn't want her back because of the money.
I originally thought about going through mediation if it becomes a D, but I don't think I would be tough enough to get myself a fair deal.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I was answering your question about "why are things harder now?" if they have both seemed to manage ok this past year. The answer (correct me if I'm wrong RSF) is that he no longer wants to compensate financially for having left the marriage and wants to make it more legit. I'm saying what you're saying. But it sucks being on the left behind and financially screwed end of it.
Yes it does suck being on that end. I feel like I've been putting it off and I keep putting it off for DBing and other reasons. I would rather wait even longer and save my marriage. I would suck it up for a long time but it may come back to burn me.
Yes, you've got to deal with it realistically, now. She may be pissed but there is no way for her to know what D you really entails if it is not laid out.
I hate saying this because I'm so relating to her but you both have to deal with the brutal reality and neither of you should be punitive. Aaargh.
