Just finished counseling. I told him a I bought a book and was reading it and trying some things, like making sure I look good when I see my W. Standing up straight, being cleaned up, even buying my old cologne that I used to wear 10 years ago. HE smiled and asked if the book was Divorce Busting. I smiled and said yes and asked if it was a good book. He smiled and said, "oh, yes, very much so".
I got another nice toned email from my W today. I didn't reply yet, well I did...but I didn't send it yet. I will wait until later to send it...can't be to quick. Make her wait. I feel like I am being manipulative; but honestly, that is how it is going to be in divorce.
I see some subtle signs that her anger is leaving. Since we see a mediator on Monday, I was thinking of the little things that are easy to forget about. A ring that we got for our daughter from a relative that passed away. I went into our jewlery box and found it and wrote it down on my list. I noticed that her wedding ring was gone though too. She hasn't worn it in a month. Maybe it is in the bottom of a lake someplace. I don't know.
I also sat down to check my email and found a page up that had the lyrics to a song by Kelly Clarkson called "Beautiful Disaster". It might be a remake, but the words made me think that she is thinking of me. I continue to move forward, knowing that the path we are on is still divorce. The path we are on is one that ends our marriage and I won't let little bits of hope keep me waiting and feeling sad. Sure, I feel sad, and I want to feel sad sometimes; but I must realize the path we are on is not one that ends in rebuilding a marriage. If that opportunity presents itself, I will make the decision at that point about what to do; but for now, I continue to balance my wishes and my reality, even though they are in opposition.
This song is as true for me as anything. I feel good about myself as a person in the eyes of most; but not in my personal life. A beautiful disaster says it all...
Maybe these words will help someone else.
He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold And if I try to save him My whole world would cave in It just ain't right Lord, it just ain't right
Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and laughter Lord, Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see But do I try to change him So hard not to blame him Hold me tight Hold me tight
Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy, hysterical I'm searching for some kind of miracle Waited so long.. Waited So long.
