Just finished counseling. I told him a I bought a book and was reading it and trying some things, like making sure I look good when I see my W. Standing up straight, being cleaned up, even buying my old cologne that I used to wear 10 years ago. HE smiled and asked if the book was Divorce Busting. I smiled and said yes and asked if it was a good book. He smiled and said, "oh, yes, very much so".
I got another nice toned email from my W today. I didn't reply yet, well I did...but I didn't send it yet. I will wait until later to send it...can't be to quick. Make her wait. I feel like I am being manipulative; but honestly, that is how it is going to be in divorce.
I see some subtle signs that her anger is leaving. Since we see a mediator on Monday, I was thinking of the little things that are easy to forget about. A ring that we got for our daughter from a relative that passed away. I went into our jewlery box and found it and wrote it down on my list. I noticed that her wedding ring was gone though too. She hasn't worn it in a month. Maybe it is in the bottom of a lake someplace. I don't know.
I also sat down to check my email and found a page up that had the lyrics to a song by Kelly Clarkson called "Beautiful Disaster". It might be a remake, but the words made me think that she is thinking of me. I continue to move forward, knowing that the path we are on is still divorce. The path we are on is one that ends our marriage and I won't let little bits of hope keep me waiting and feeling sad. Sure, I feel sad, and I want to feel sad sometimes; but I must realize the path we are on is not one that ends in rebuilding a marriage. If that opportunity presents itself, I will make the decision at that point about what to do; but for now, I continue to balance my wishes and my reality, even though they are in opposition.
This song is as true for me as anything. I feel good about myself as a person in the eyes of most; but not in my personal life. A beautiful disaster says it all...
Maybe these words will help someone else.
He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold And if I try to save him My whole world would cave in It just ain't right Lord, it just ain't right
Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and laughter Lord, Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see But do I try to change him So hard not to blame him Hold me tight Hold me tight
Oh and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy, hysterical I'm searching for some kind of miracle Waited so long.. Waited So long.
I am impressed with what you have said in your last three posts! Even though you are dealing with some tough issues, I still see little positive things happening with your W. I see some big positive things happening with you. I'm sure you may not "feel" so much that way, but I truly blieve you are making huge strides to make great changes.
I'll try not to make this too long, but in response to regrets and forgiving......I believe that our self "will" has to do that before we have the emotion. In other words, if we try to forgive ourselves and wait to see if we feel differently after we say we're doing it......more than likely we won't be able to tell any difference in our feelings. So, then we are back to square one. Forgiving ourselves is based on the same principle as forgiving another person. I think forgiveness is a picture of "grace". If we base our decision up whether or not a person deserves to be forgiven....or if they should try to earn our forgiveness.....it won't happen b/c they'll never reach that place. We must forgive b/c of who & what we are...not them. See what I mean? That is how God does it. And, I'm not comparing us to God, but He set the pattern for us.
Forgiving ourselves, I have found, it harder. Maybe b/c we are our own worst enemy....IDK. But the same principle applies. We make a decision to forgive ourselves and even though we don't "feel" forgiven, we decide based upon our "will" not "feelings" and everytime your emotions try to tell you that you've not forgiven yourself, you say, "Yes I have chosen by my own free will to forgive myself". Then don't linger on those thoughts of the past and move on.
I learned about that when I was studing about the difference of "feeling" that God had forgiven us, and "believing" He had forgiven us. Big difference! Our feelings are very fickle. After time, the emotions will finally follow.....but it does seem to take a long time with ourselves.
Regret......is really a waste of time. However, I suppose most people do regret a few things. To me, the important factor is to learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them. We could drive ourselves nuts by thinking of the past and drown ourselves with regrets, but as I've said before, there is nothing we can do to change the past and no matter how sorry we are about it......it still doesn't change one little second of time. So, it is wasting the present time to fill it up with regrets.
I have seen elderly people live out their last years with so much regret. They spend their days going down memory lane and "regretting". What a sad way to live! Please don't do this to yourself. Make up your mind that you have learned from the past and that lesson will make your future better than it "would" have been if you had not learned anything. I guess my "reasoning" doesn't make much sense at times, but we all have to figure out a way to live with ourselves & our mistakes, AND with other people & their mistakes!
Again....I think you are becoming a person who one day will be a great role model for another...(or many) person(s).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel so-so today. I let myself become more hopeful, but need to stay rooted in reality. My wife and I had some nice emails today. Not anything to be excited about, but coordial.
We have mediation on Monday and I am stressing about that. I don't want to do it...but this isn't about what I want...
I spent a lot of time focusing on what I wanted. Even when my wife was in agreement or approved of whatever it was (where we went to dinner, where we lived, etc...) I still was more focused on me. Hindsight is 20/20 and that is so sad. live and learn, etc... yawn..
I hope that I can continue to have hope, but not let it cloud my reality. It seems so tough to balance that. I don't want to lose hope, but I also have nothing tangible to hang onto.
I continue to realize that eitherway, I need to move on. I need to know I will be okay. The selling of our new home is just the loss of a "thing" and not something that is of value to me when compared to my family.
Each day is another step. Each day is a little easier. I don't think I cried today. That is a good thing. The day isn't over yet, and I plan to watch Fireproof tonight, so that might change. The movie was recommended to me by a close family member who is helping me through this difficult time. Even if I don't have a chance to try the 40-day love challenge with my W, I will have the knowledge for the future. Just like so many other things I have typed...I am typing them to help myself believe that they are true.
I still want my wife, but have let the "rope" go and am not hanging on, at least in her eyes, anymore.
To say this is tough, well, it is a HUGE understatment.
I didn't have your problems, but I'd wager online porn was a major thing that pushed my W past the breaking point.
Sandi asked if you go to church. I did the same thing as you. I joined AFTER the bomb was dropped. I've been going to a marriage rebuilders class and learned how disrespectful I've been of my W and women in general when it comes to S.
I can see now why the physical relationship ended in our M. When things started going south, I turned to the web. I justified it in my mind as a way to keep from cheating.
But she found out and she didn't say much. She didn't rant or rave. I think she did blame herself a bit. But I pledged to Love, Honor and Obey and that definitely didn't honor her.
Against the DB rules, I wrote her five letters after each marriage class and in one of them I apologized for the web addiction and told her how I realize it's the same as cheating.
I can only hope she can forgive that and everything else although I'm struggling with being in limboland as long as some people on this site. I've read people who are still waiting for the WAS to come back three years later.
For now, keep going to church, the messages help beat back the demons, believe me. Avoid even racy TV.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I know. I am ashamed. It's not something I am proud of and it is something that I don't want to do again.
I was an avid church goer growing up, and even after marrying. It was only about 4 years ago that we stopped going...ironically (or maybe not) about the time this all started.
I consider myself a logical, science minded person. However, I believe in God and the church. I missed it. I'm happy to be back. It is a counter-weight to the weight of the world we face every day. It keeps me centered.
Unlike you, I can't say no legal steps have been taken. At least I won't be able to after Monday. We go to mediation, pay an attorney to help us divide our assets and debts. Then we file, I don't think we do that MOnday, but if we do, I am prepared to sign with my wife. I need to let her go.
It's a tough situation. No one is perfect, and we all tend to think we are the worst of the bunch; but we all have good in us, I'm trying to focus on that right now.
I will. Know that this weekend may be the toughest you've ever had. Do everything you can to stay busy. I think I read this on another post, don't just sit around, those walls can be poison.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Staying away from the things that seem to be an avenue to get you back into that area you are trying hard to avoid is a very important key to staying strong. The devil knows our weaknesses and he will use different things to try to break us down, but the Lord promised that He would give us strength to overcome. The devil cannot tempt us beyond what we can handle (I don't think) b/c it is always about our "choice" in things of this life. If it was a temptation stronger than our will, then we would have no choice about it, and the whole purpose of what Satan was really trying to do would be wasted. (Which is a matter of opinion in how people believe, but that is how I see it.)
I realize you are dreading next Monday, but keep remembering that a divorce does not mean the complete end. It may be the death of this M for you and your wife, but hopefully, a new R will start between the two of you and you'll have a new M. Right? Don't lose hope, b/c I think often times people relax and begin to actually become friends after a D. Of course, not all people do, but your W has been showing some little positive steps that look promising to me. Your part will be to give her space & time b/c she really needs that to heal. It doesn't mean that you'll "never" get another chance. Don't tell her that b/c she might not be too open to that suggestion right now......but that is what I feel. You need to make that your point of focus throughout this weekend and through the meeting Monday. Just keep thinking that you'll have another chance and you will do a much better job the second time around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm honestly not dreading Monday. It's a chance for me to show Kara that I can be a friend and do thing the way she wants, but still be strong in my own best interests. No anger.
I called the attorney/mediator and she said Kara requested the meeting to go over options for our next steps, so it doesn't seem like we will be filing on Monday.
I did break a rule today. I should admit that.
Last night I watched Fireproof. It's a religious movie about marriage and is WAY to similar to my situation. It was almost like it was writen for me.
My W had to stop home today to get some things before leaving to visit relatives for the weekend. I left some of her things on the table with a note and the movie. I didn't say I love you or anything like that. I simply said to drive safe, have fun and I would see her Monday at the mediator. I then wrote that this movie was something I watched and seemed to really address our current situation. I told her it helped me and if she wanted to take it, she could. If not, I understood.
She left the note and the movie. I wasn't crushed, or even really upset. I wish she would have taken it, but I am sure she thought that would give me hope and some upperhand in the current situation.
I feel okay about what I did. I didn't ask her to reconsider and even close with the same thing I started with...drive safe, have fun and see you Monday at 10:00.
Maybe it was a mistake, but I feel okay about it. That's probably what is important right now.
My W was texting our daughter and I felt jealousy. It isn't right; I didn't say or show it, but it bothers me that I felt this way.
When they talked, they talked for some time. This is good. However I just felt cheated. How selfish is that?
Again, I didn't show any of this, I didn't say anything, but I am so sad I felt this way. This is the person I love and am divorcing. Maybe I shouldn't file jointly; but I know that is what I need to do.
I suspect that if you are reading all of these posts you think I am bi-polar or have split personalities because of the ying and tang of my emmotions in my posts.
This is my venting ground and I appreciate your comments. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, and need to get over that.
Maybe a good night sleep will help.
Funny, today is one of the first times in a month that I ate well and instead of feeling better, I feel worse.
just frusterated...but sticking with the last resort technique.
