I don't know if it's still MLC with STBX. My counselor still thinks it's a combination of a lot of things.
One thing that is clear is that in spite of everything that has happened with my drinking and her MLC / adultery, my daughters still treat me with respect and treat their mom like she is a 17 year old. I listen to D14 talk to her on the phone and cut her off in the middle of the conversation with 'bye mom, ok mom, bye'.
She never talks to me that way.
I feel sad for her, for all of us. As one of my friends in AA said to me the other day, "You are quite the pair".
I have been continuing my 'dark' mode. If she calls I don't answer but let it go to voicemail. If I need to respond I'll text or call her back. Mostly I don't need to respond as she is just informing me of something. Now she texts me more instead of calling or has D14 call me for related things.
The other day I had to go get some insurance papers from her at her condo. I avoid going there as it's uncomfortable. She gave me a neutral 'Hello Frank' and I asked her for the papers, thanks her and left.
Everyone who I know who gives me counsel has said the same thing. Let her go, avoid contact and work on your own life. So that's what I'm doing.
It's interesting that only STBX's mother blames me for everything. "If Frank hadn't started drinking then STBX wouldn't have gone elsewhere for love" or something like that.
Other friends / relatives as what she did to contribute to the problem, and what did she do to help. It's a mixed bag between those who value the sanctity of marriage and those who don't. Regardless it's just excuses that we each can hide behind to justify our choices.
I don't have any excuses. Just shock that after STBX had an affair 3 years ago, and I stopped drinking for a year and put my heart and soul into rescuing our family that in the end she just wasn't a person who could put her heart and soul into us. and I needed that. I needed help.
I'm finally done with all that victimization, just venting it here for the last time. Like Jack said, sometimes someone doesn't want to be saved. They just give up. Well, I've always been someone who thought I didn't need help. That's been my biggest lesson. Accepting help. And letting go.
