Is my wife a WAW or is this a MLC? thx2brs

[Lostforwords]

relax, breathe, don't think about the future, forget the past, and live in the moment

[are you kidding]

...do not think you are capable at the moment. BUT that doesn't give your carte blanch to fail on purpose. [/quote]

What do you mean by that Jack?I've already failed,whatever I did or didn't do led to this somehow.

I need to prove somebody wrong either her or you.

No one fails on purpose,they either don't know or don't care...
I care and I'm tired of thinking about a divorce,I want to think of what's gonna happen at the end of this...and I don't want a divorce, somehow I need to exude that positive thought to others vs telling them.

I just need to show someone that my happiness didn't and doesn't depend on them and I need to continue to be a great role model to the kids.

I just need some pointers now and then, and I have a short attention span.

I think the easiest way for me to deal with this is, what advice would I give someone if they came to me.

I'd say shut up, stay away and focus on yourself and kids,too, but be supportive,don't argue always be nice and SMILE,don't let them see you sweat.

But darn it,I don't care what anyone (wife,neighbors,MIL,her friends) or those that doubt we had something good, not great, but good thinks, I know what I had,I know how damn insecure and stressed she was about everything,I was the one that knew she was obsessive compulsive and had low self esteem and couldn't say no to anyone,and she'd put this tough front on for others, and then she'd get embarrassed if she let loose in front of me, we both affected eachother in that regard, I could be funny and silly in front of everyone but her at times. I know that she was a closet smoker and would hide it from everyone including her mom,I even know what messed with her stomach,I knew most of what she was insecure about, what I didn't know is what was going on in that head of hers, she would always say I'm fine, I'm broken, I'm fat, I can't cook and no matter what I told her she wouldn't accept that I accepted her for what she was, too me she wasn't fat,she was HOT, too me she could cook, too me she wasn't broken, I ask her what she'd want to do and she'd say whatever you want to do, what I never knew is what is really on your mind, she would never share her internal feelings and she internalized everything I know now. She really would tell me everything except what was really on her mind or what she was thinking,forever she would stare and chew on her lip and be quiet and I'd ask what you thinking about and she'd say nothing i'm relaxed, I don't chew my finger nails when I'm relaxed.

I don't want an insecure wife back,but I do want the sensitive needing to be loved wife back, the one that would write a note and say I look forward to seeing you all day long. I had a family that cared for eachother, now I got 4 individuals. This struggle is bigger than me and I know it's all about the journey and not the destination,but it's so tough to let go of something that was GOOD and it's tough to take them letting something GOOD GO!I mean really why do I care like I do, I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS DUMPED.

Who purposely does this to their family,no one, so how do you be supportive but distant without seeming cruel.

I can go dark I have been, compared to what I used to be,I mean really the kids told me last nite they only miss me at nite sometimes now and I've been following her LEAD,which is different it used to be 50/50 on most of the family stuff.I know what the old wife wanted me more involved in stuff,that I didn't do, now I don't even have that opportunity, it's frustrating knowing you care for someone that doesn't want to be married and how can you not hurt for them when you know all they're looking at is a huge regret at some point.

by the way saw son tonite he called me 'cause "mom's with the neighbor haven't seen her all nite."

I took him to get what he needed,dropped him off and there she goes over to neighbor again. I laughed to myself and played Aerosmith Permanet Vacation really loud as I left the block. WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN. Smiley face.

I don't think I want to go home right now,but I want to go home right now, but every day that passes I feel more bad for her and the kids than I do for myself. I know what they're missing out on and they don't see it. and as the time passes I still have two ultimatums, no more Neighbor and we need to rethink this parenting bit,they're not just yours.

This really s..ks.

[cat04]

AYK,

What Jack meant was that even though you do not seem to be able to go dark, for whatever reasons, being unable to do so does not give your permission to go and say and do whatever you want.

You didn't fail. I am sure that you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, we all have our parts to own, but that does not make us failures.

In your mind, the marriage was good. And for you it may have been. It may have been exactly what you always dreamed of and there was not a single thing that you would have changed. I don't really believe that but...

In her mind, something was wrong. She was not happy. Maybe not with the marriage directly or at first, but with herself. It is all spelled out in your post above and you don't even see it. It is not your job to fix her, which is why even if you knew all of that stuff about her, nothing you did made a damn bit of difference. This really is about HER.

The POS OM, it doesn't matter what they say. Do yourself a favor and don't give him space in your head. Of course he was nice to you. Of course he said what he said. Want to know what I've heard?

OW1-wanted to be my friend. She cared about all of us. Even bought my S clothes, which I threw out immediately.
OW2-she thought me and my H and her and her H should double date because it would be wonderful for all of us.
OW3-if her being around was bothersome to me, then since she didn't want to do anything to damage my M, she would back off.
OW4-well she truly was a POS and didn't care if she hurt me or my S.

As you can see, they were all nuts and yes they were all POS. It doesn't matter. They were ways for my H to process or avoid processing his own crap. That is it. And if he chooses to keep running from psycho to psycho to make himself feel better, there is not much that I can do about it. Nor do I care because that is not the type of H I want anyway.

AYK, do the work. Focus on yourself, keep up your GAL stuff. But do the work. You won't be sorry.

[Mach1]

AYK....

Man, I hope that was just you feeling sorry for yourself....

I must be MLC too....I couldn't make it through that post.

Good Lord man...When are you gonna "get it " ?

I'm gonna post this, but I seriously doubt that you even read it, let alone absorb any of it...

It's clear to me that you don't have a clue...

All the changes that you listed are superficial, and are for the sake of tricking your wife back.

They are all good, but not real changes in your soul...

You want to skip the process that has to happen and go right to the finish line....

What does this journey mean to you ?

Is this the way you want to live your life ?

Would you interact with you on an Intimate level ?

You say that you are LRT.....then you say you are dark....

Maybe you should understand what either of those mean before you say that....

Dark is for you, it is the peace that you find within yourself that allows you to grow and learn and change for YOU....

Not her...

You need to be real for yourself before any progress can be made....

I'm not so sure you can handle that...

Peace to you....

[Grace_O]

ayk,

If she came back now, she probably wouldn't stay.

Who purposely does this to their family,no one,

Bingo. You need to understand her pain that she felt this was her only option.

This doesn't mean talking to her about it. It means seeing and listening with better eyes and ears, when you do see her.

You have an opportunity as far as going dark is concerned. I don't imagine you meditate, but if it's something you're willing to work at, yuo might be amazed at some of the things you see within yourself.

There are so many lessons to be learned in all of this. I can't even begin to tell you the things I have seen in myself. Good and bad.

Am I the woman I thought I'd be? Always wanted to be? No.

So what do I do? I work at it.

Is my H going to see all this and then beg to come back? I hope not. That's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking to see the pirate queen in the mirror and to have a life of adventure. A life of stories to tell. I'm not jumping out of a perfectly good plane. My adventures are of a different nature. What would yours look like?

Could it include H? Maybe at some point. This isn't that juncture. This doesn't mean I don't love and miss him. I do. I just know that there is more work for me to do.

It can be really hard to go dark when you see them frequently and talk about the kids, but keep it about the kids and "business". It isn't cruel. Think of her as a nice woman who's really interested in you kids.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

A few points.

This one might be an AH-HA moment for you.

smiley face = : ). It is easier to type out that way...although I like how you type it out. See if you turn it sideways...then it is a smiley face. It is called an emoticon.

You asked me ...much earlier and I didn't see it in all your posts about what happenes when they say "Well you never..."

Ask yourself is it true? Did I never do (whatever it is crazy lady said I never did?) (Even crazy people can be right?)
If it is true, did they ask you do do it, even with that whole passive aggresive BS way of not actually asking you verbally, and you ignored them? Can you see how it might upset them?

If it is false it is the same thing as calling a skinny person fat...untrue. Move on...BUT do that thing in the future. Now you know, and as G.I. Joe says... "and knowing is half the battle."

"The third little Joe built his house out of steel reinforced concrete with overlapping fields of fire."

You said you do not want an insecure wife back...

(Long count pause)

EVERYTHING you do (correctly I MUST stress) leads to you being stronger.

Do you think they come back all whole and hale? Do you believe they come out of this stronger and more resiliant? Stride for stride and full of vigor? I'll wait for you to park your unicorn next to the rainbow bridge if you say yes.

If she comes back, she is going to be broken and battered.

You get to the strong one. You get to support her, all the while not falling back to old habits and walking a razor edge.

Everything you do now is to make you stronger and better...and if she comes back you will need every ounce of that to help support her.

[are you kidding]

Thanks guys, printed off your posts, the skydiving stuff, did that when we were married, wasn't anything new.

Stuff i ignored was paying the bills and watching the checking account and knowing she was hurting even before we met and figured she'd work her way out of it. if i showed her enough support, spoiled her rotten and treated her good, when deep down inside me, i knew something was always bothering her. Knew that from the first moment i saw her, before we were even a couple.

[are you kidding]

anyway on the dark, why i asked isn't that what they do to us?

the stuff i'm doing now is stuff i always wanted to do and have the opportunity, it isn't fake, it really is for me.

meditation practicing the excersise from seven principles for self esteem.

[are you kidding]

I am getting it, I'm a slow learner.

I feel like I'm in a mlc,too, only because i feel euphoric at times about what i'm doing for myself and learning and correcting and the mental adventures i'm having and stuff. i've never been this positive for this long of a stretch.

i don't check my email or phone looking for something from her,do you guys know what i mean, i mean my insides and my brain, my whole being feels different, does that make sense.
i feel like i have another purpose and i'm like being drawn to it,i'm doing stuff that makes me happy,but i'm looking to learn from every situation,i hadn't done that too many times, i'm paying bills, yes that's superficial, but my inner feelings and self confidence i just feel better?i'm not angry like i used to be or stressed and i'm doing the right things, i don't know, i just feel good about myself, i didn't always feel good about myself, i used to think i was doing stuff to impress others, now i'm doing what i want to do to impress myself.

i'm not making sense. I'll look at your posts tonite.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Actually...that post has made more sense than most of your other ones.

Yes, it makes sense, yes I think most of us understand what you are feeling, and not to be a Negative Nancy...hold on to that feeling as long as you can.

We all bounce down here.