How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[alexjadams]

Heartbroken20
"my XW was crying and stated that she didn't want to lead me on, but she felt that she wanted to leave the door open in the future. I did agree to leave it open as well, but to be honest with every month that passes the likihood of me being open to a new start with XW goes down.

This is where I beleive the LBS becomes the WAS."


WAS talk for
if me & OM don't work out, & I can't find anyone else that can make me happy, Keep the door open so you can keep me going for a while untill I find a new person to really make me happy

the worse part about this is the WAS thinks they are fooling you, but they are really fooling themselves

[Heartbroken20]

Heartbroken20
"my XW was crying and stated that she didn't want to lead me on, but she felt that she wanted to leave the door open in the future. I did agree to leave it open as well, but to be honest with every month that passes the likihood of me being open to a new start with XW goes down.

This is where I beleive the LBS becomes the WAS."


WAS talk for
if me & OM don't work out, & I can't find anyone else that can make me happy, Keep the door open so you can keep me going for a while untill I find a new person to really make me happy

the worse part about this is the WAS thinks they are fooling you, but they are really fooling themselves

(Alex, actually that was not my comment you quoted above)

Amen to that! That is EXACTLY what I got from it! I have reminded her that I have NEVER, EVER kept in touch with any of my old girlfriends at all. I mean, what would be the purpose? I committed my whole heart and soul to her when we got married and have no interest in stirring up old feelings with an ex-flame. Leads to nothing but trouble IMHO. On the other hand, my wife has kept in touch with the great majority of her old boyfriends because they are still "nice people" who just didn't work out. My wife is from California and I heard one time that that is a typical "California" thing to do. Regardless, why would I want to take her back later so she can decide AGAIN sometime down the road that she is unhappy with me? If I'm going to go through pain of divorce, etc., you can be sure that I will look elsewhere to be potentially miserable again, not repeat the same misatke twice!

[WalkingMan]

Every betrayal begins with trust....

Man I think you're spot on with not keeping in touch with ex's. How can you give the new realtionship what is deserves if you got som ex hanging around 'blocking.' It's my opinion that many people stay in contact with thier ex's for selfish reasons anyway. I've also noticed a degree of hypocracy when my XW kept ex-boyfirends in the loop....she could do it, but if I did she had a fit! The fact of the matter is thatwhen someone walks out on the M and does so in the most destructive manner possible, trust is destroyed. The idea of a friendship with someone I can't trust is repugnant, not to mention an exercise in cake-eating. Sorry, no M...no friendship.

[MrBond]

bridgestone,

Thanks for the two cents.

"continued to deny my reality"

But what if the S never told us what their reality was? What if they perhaps didn't develop the coping mechanisms that allowed them to open up in the first place? I think that's what many of us feel.

My wife is of the "you should have known" mentality. And I've told her numerous times before I am not a mindreader and to just say what is bothering her.

Of course the denial of her A is what I don't get. It's like she's denying it to herself. And that it must've been the marriage that drove her to that point.

Strange creatures the WAS sometimes.

But it doesn't stop me from still trying to be compassionate to her even now. I see a person who is hurting and is trying to escape from that hurt by shedding her old self. Only problem is she's running so fast that she hasn't stopped to think what she is hurting from.

[Heartbroken20]

SG - You and I are on the same wavelength to be sure. I'm sure you can imagine all of the steps I needed to take to destroy any remnants of prior relationships when we first started going out. Any old letters, pictures, momentos, etc., had to go. I ditched a ton of stuff (other stuff my parents had was kept) so that she would know I wasn't screwing around. She even insisted that prior women weren't talked about when she was around which was tough at first whenever we were around family and old friends as they were the memories they had. My wife was VERY insecure (always has been) as everyone she had ever dated had either cheated on her or dumped her. Most cheated on her so she was extra sensitive and paranoid about it. It took a long time to get her to trust me and know I wouldn't do that to her. That's just not who I am.

BUT it was okay for HER to maintain contact with her old BFs that were nice guys and frankly I didn't worry about it too much as she was always very loving and always talking about our future together, etc. The sex was great and plentiful with her initiating often. So I took her contact with them for what it seemed to be, just platonic.

Fast-forward 23 years and I find out she is in an EA with someone who was always a good friend in H.S.(but not a romantic interest supposedly) and the lying and hiding and denying begin. After each confrontation about it (five times over the last two years) she would stop contact with him for a week or two but always goes back. She says she started becoming more attached to him because I wasn't "there for her" and wasn't "supportive" of her and understanding of her unhappiness. Now she says she is "totally cut-off" from him but is not sorry she had those feelings for him. She is only sorry that it hurt me as it wasn't "intentional".

So now I don't trust her at all. Her lying is continual and about such stupid stuff. I guess once they get into the habit and think they have you fooled, they just can't stop themselves. She denies that she is lying even when it is completely obvious to anyone that she is. Such a dream world she now lives in. Makes me feel sorry for her but that doesn't make me trust her. She needs to earn my trust again. The onus is on her to show me she can be trusted. And because she wants to leave me anyway, she has no desire to make the effort to earn my trust back. She could care less.

So if we do end up divorcing, we'll be cordial, polite but not "friends". She'll have lost the priviledge to be friends with someone like me.