How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[Heartbroken20]

Although WAS's share many common traits (especially with regard to the WAS script), each sitch is a bit different. Sometimes the LBS becomes the WAS, like in my case. I became the WAS when I could no longer stand the abuse, neglect, lies, affair, etc. when my XW was in the rage of being a WAW.

I think a lot of the WAS rationale is self preservation. Not being able to reconcile emotions and actions with what others (or self) see as immoral or irrational. Being in an unhappy sitch for years and not communicating this causes the 'bubble to burst.' YOur marriage should always be number one and it's hard with all of life's distractions (work, children, etc.).

alex, you so right about getting the LBS and WAS together to work things out, but how often does this happen? BOth must want it and it's a long road to get to that point. There must be a commitment and getting that from someone who's in an inwardly focussed mode is very difficult.

SG - Sorry to see that you ended up divorced. You are right on saying it's about self-preservation and that it takes effort from BOTH parties to commit to fixing what's wrong. Many DB principles are based on "if you change your own behavior, the marriage will change" and I think that is true. However, in some cases, the changed behavior simply can not overcome the internal unhappiness of the WAS. That doesn't mean you shouldn't change your behavior, it just means you're not the root cause of the unhappiness. As I go along I'm beginning to realize I can only help ease, not eliminate, my wife's MLC issues. As Michele says in her books, my understanding is regardless of what you do people in MLC have to work through it themselves, and you just have to wait it out without exacerbating the situation. Sometimes they just never come back to reality. Maybe I have that wrong but I am just trying to keep me wife from doing anything drastic, that she will regret later, IF she ever gets to the other side of her MLC.

Lately, she's started to point out all of the people she hears about who got divorced and then remarried later. That's nice, but what's her point? Why go through all of the damage to begin with if she's remaining open to remarrying later? Why not "remarry" before with the start of a "new" marriage using all of the lessons we've learned over the last couple of years and TRULY FORGIVING each other for past words/actions? You're right that is is SO difficult to get that through to someone who is so inwardly focused and sees their actions simply as self-preservation.

I very much understand your finally getting fed up with all of it, I feel that way often, and have considered that she may be trying to do things so I will be the one to leave and relieve her of the guilt she feels for driving all of this. But then I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she just doesn't know WHAT she wants and is just trying to do what she believes is best for all of us in the long run. Despite that benefit, and the immense hurt it causes, I just try to maintain a level-head and take responsibility for my own actions, as I can not control hers, nor majorly affect her feelings at the moment. All I can do is keep my eye on the future and struggle with each obstacle the best way I know how. In the end, it may not work, but at least I will know in my heart that I did everything I could to keep us together.