For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Hi,
I didn't have a chance to post yeterday. Took DD apple picking in the morning, but wasn't feeling too good in the evening.

Lulu, you're right...how can I have a marriage with a man that I can't stand to be around? I love him, I'm just deeply hurt by his selfishness and unwillingness to take any steps toward working things out. But...I can fake it and pray about the anger and pain and slowly work through this - which is what I've been doing.

The reason that I haven't told my friends is bascially bc I want an escape from everything - when I'm out with my friends we can have a good time and I don't have to think about or deal with what's going on. IDK if that makes sense. But...I spend a lot of time at home (not because I don't have a life, but bc I work part-time) so whenever I'm at home, I can't escape the fact that H is not living with us. It's always in my face - the bed we used to sleep in, the living room where we used to watch TV, the kitchen where we ate, etc...When I'm with my friends, I feel more free to just have fun and not be totally wrapped up in in my broken relationship. Do that make sense? And once my friends know, they will ask questions and I understand that - they would be asking bc they care, but honestly...I don't want to be forced to talk about it when I don't feel like it. For example, my boss is awesome and so supportive - but, when I'm at work she often asks how things are going and I just don't feel up to talking about it. And some of my friends have probably already figured out that something is up - I mean it's been about a year. Plus, having everyone's opinions just makes things more confusing - especially when I hear things like, "Dump that loser."

And IDK if I'm really denying an affair. Trust me, I have done a lot of investigating. You name it and I've probably done it - hacked into his accounts, opened his mail, put a voice recorder in his car, used GPS to see where he's been, questioned him, showed up at his "home" - all of these things HURT me and did not help me. I haven't gotten any real proof from any of these things (excpet from his cell statement). I'm not sitting here blindly and just "allowing" an affair to take place. I have looked an looked and tried to bust him. His cell statement and deceitful behavior are what I know for sure. And I finally came to the conclusion that my snooping (although totally valid) was only tearing me to shreds. And there is no way I can detach while still playing the role of a private investigator. Know what I mean?

I haven't looked at any of Gucci's posts, but thanks for the suggestion and I will. So, when you see your H, how are you pleasant, nice and friendly? I mean - what do you do/say? I haven't been able to say much of anything for close to 2 weeks now.

Yep, same with me - I remember when my H and I were first dating that he would want me right by his side, giving me hugs and little kisses in public. I, too, was a fun, flirty, responsible yet wild child who loved going out. I lost a lot of that and would also like to see SOME of that fun girl make an apperance. Without even really realizing it, H and I grew apart bc he was working a ton and I was so caught up in being a mom, cleaning the house and cooking. I know the mistakes I've made, acknowledged each of them to H, but of course he says it's too late.

...I'm doing well with this no contact, but the last couple of days have been hard bc he has stopped contacting me too. Guess he realizes that I'm not going to reply to his texts, so what's the point. He's supposed to be coming over tonight.

I've gotta run for now.