That said, sometimes when I catalog this past year of my life, I just feel exhausted...and my mind just freezes...it's a terrible feeling - almost like I'm staring in shock at a Tsunami that is forever moving toward me while I stand on wet sand. I have to get over that - accept my life more fully for what it has been, and make the changes I have to make. I have to pull myself away from the mesmerizing force of that Tsunami - sometimes it's far too easy just to stop what I'm doing and stare at the messy memories of my life - and continue to rebuild.
Well put. How true.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
...somehow this past year has put major obstacles between my imagination and the page -
Really?
Without even thinking some of your stories come to mind. - Letting your horse lead you in the desert. - The Wishing Tree - Tsunami freezing you
I am sure others have their favorites. Write what you feel.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi Gardener and Coach, Thanks for your responses...
I'm getting there, Coach...I used to feel mighty prolific - but just haven't been able to get into writing for months now...It will come back around, I believe - though I know it may take more effort and even more discipline than it has in the past.
A few months ago, just to motivate myself to write more, I put a draft of the first novel I wrote up online - just for anyone to read. I put a link to it on my my alt world page - and it was interesting to hear some of the feedback I got.
I'm anxious to get back into another novel - it's already about half-finished - though I abandoned it, literally abandoned it, when STBX read some of it and told me that she thought my train had left the rails in the last chapter I wrote...perhaps she was right, I don't know...but I'm going to revisit it sometime soon and see where it leads me...I've also got about twenty years worth of notes (seriously...it's been an obsession for a while) for an historical novel I've been hoping to write one day - but always felt I didn't have the maturity to tackle it...perhaps I do now...
On the TV writing front...not much going on at the moment. My writing partner and I have had a couple pitch meetings recently - and our agent sounds positive about some possibilities for the future - but it's a tough market out here right now...the feature market is confused and studios are reluctant to buy anything other than board games, rehashes of stuff that came out 20 years ago, or comic books...and TV is in a state of flux...with everyone waiting to see how the new batch of shows performs (in particular for ABC).
My freelance writing still hasn't picked up to the level it used to be - so that's stressful at times - and I still have a goal of somehow returning to teaching...though I would like to do so as a writer - not in the field of my graduate work (I was a medievalist).
Just a bit of journaling, I guess...writing out some thoughts to see where they'll lead me...
I'm glad to know you are writing again. It is so good for you to be back doing something you love. Writing will help you again, even if the market isn't great for your profession.
The key is in finding yourself again...that's what I'm discovering too, my friend. Doing things for you. Taking care of you and building yourself up to become better and better.
Again, I'm so pleased to see you writing. Keep it up!
On the other hand, it is also great that you can interact w/your son frequently via the internet. I love how he feels like he's "spending time w/you" when you do interact on-line, so that is an excellent way for you two to help spend time "together" while you are apart.
Ok, as for the journaling of your past and how it feels like a tsunami. It is overwhelming at times. I understand exactly what you mean. I also found it to be a bit frustrating b/c I saw how much time I wasted and how much energy was spent on things that were out of my control. It was very disappointing to see, but also very informative too.
Doing it has been difficult and tiring, but it has also been one of the keys that has allowed me to grow, mature, and change for the betterment of myself and all those I love.
Hi Bunny, I guess it's been a long time since I've posted anything....
The knee is recovering well. I spent last week in DC visiting my son and then went to NY to visit some friends and took a quick trip to CT for my college's homecoming - and ended up walking more than I ever get to walk in LA - and it went well.
Other than the knee...well...I don't know what to say. A few weeks ago I hit a dark, dark place and came out of it with the very real awareness that I might be dealing with some serious depression - and so the morning after hitting that darkness, I made an appointment to see my T. I finally got in to see him - and it was in part because of my discussion with him that I made my trip out East - since, in the most practical terms, I couldn't really justify the expense, as things have continued to be pretty tight on the writing front.
B - the STBX - continues to be odd and live in her own version of reality. Recently, while discussing the visit of my older son, and my request to have my S3 spend time with us while S12 is in town for Thanksgiving and then Christmas, B suggested that my S12 go away with her during both holidays. It's kind of mind-boggling that she even considers that as a viable possibility - though I think it also serves to illustrate just how bizarre the thinking of a narcissist can be.
Other than dealing with B and working on my depression, I keep trying to adjust more to a life of acceptance and openness coupled with action. It's not easy to find the right balance, I must admit - and sometimes I worry that I still allow myself too often to stand and stare at the on-coming tsunami. It's not a pleasant feeling - since accepting my life should by no means mean standing still and allowing it to overwhelm me - rather, accepting my life should mean that I acknowledge the pain of this last year and do something about it...and so I often wake in the mornings just telling myself that I am going to improve my life. I don't know all the parameters of how I'm going to do it - but I just know that it must be done...and that can only be done through action. And so it is that I continue moving forward as best I can.
Nice to hear from you. Hope something comes from those pitch meetings. Keep making your own opportunities.
Interesting you referred to writing about the past as an tsunami. Self-reflection on this time is tough. I recently looked back at myself during the bomb and sep this summer and I felt like I was looking at a different person. It's a very unreal time. At times it felt like I wasn't behind the wheel.
I'm posting now in "Surviving the Big D". Stay in touch.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
It's been a long time since I've posted anything...but just wanted to come by and say hello. I'm doing well...started a new job a few weeks ago and things are slowly moving forward toward my D. It's a bit complicated at the moment - and I don't want to say too much here...but suffice it to say that my STBX is suing me for full custody of our son...and I'm doing what I can in response.
All in all, I'm doing well - feeling very positive about many things in life - and looking forward to what the future might hold - I am also hopeful that my D will settle without a lot of unnecessary pain...
feeling very positive about many things in life - and looking forward to what the future might hold
This is goodness. Stay focused on the positives.
The Greek and I are doing well.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
