The gloaming

[Jimbo]

Mach, Cat, MW, Trapt - Thanks for your support. I know I haven't been the most communicative lately, what with all the $#!+ going on at work and this D, but I really appreciate you guys being there for me. It really means a lot.

So, the big bad dreaded D has come and gone. I, glutton for punishment that I am, opted to go to the Ore Tenus hearing despite the fact that I didn't have to. I know that most people wouldn't understand, but I had to go. For me. It might sound weird, but going gave me a sense of control over my own life. I can't control what is happening, but I CAN control ME. I wanted to see how my (now) xw handled herself, and all of this. I wanted to see the expression on her face and hear the inflections in her voice in court. I wanted to see her reaction to seeing the man that she was divorcing....present and accounted for....because it mattered. Because WE matter. I did not hide from my fate. I faced it willingly, and I actually feel empowered by it. Strange.

As she went through the answers to the required questions her L read to her, I could hear the trembling in her voice, as if she was tearing up, but I never saw a tear. She stared straight down at the table in front of her, never looking up once. At the end of everything, she stood by the door to the courtroom. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, standing there, her body square on to me as I told Kitty, her witness, that I didn't hold anything against her for her role in the proceedings that day. I turned to face my xw. She stood there with an "I'm sorry" look on her face, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say. Seeing that I was making the motion to leave, she said "goodbye" in a quiet voice. I said "goodbye", but the courtroom proceedings were still going on and I didn't hear my own words over the din, so I'm pretty sure she didn't either. But she saw the words as my lips moved.

And I left.

I took the rest of the day to myself to process all my feelings. And the next day too. I'm still not done, but at least I'm back to work today. I don't know how much I'll get done, but I'm here.