Thanks Sandi2, I did sleep well. I did pray for sleep, and I think that God doesn't always work in mysterious ways because I did take a Tylenol PM too ;-)
I feel okay today. Sad, very sad, but okay. I get to go home to see the kids today and my wife will leave. She was very angry yesterday and I think she realizes that this is how it is going to be. I feel badly that she feels that way, I know how much it stinks to leave the kids. I also know how exhausting it can be to be with them for 7 straight days too.
I talked with my grandmother last night and talking is helping a lot. I just want to have that last chance...which I already did...but this time I am doing something and wll continue
Thanks Sandi2, I did sleep well. I did pray for sleep, and I think that God doesn't always work in mysterious ways because I did take a Tylenol PM too ;-)
I feel okay today. Sad, very sad, but okay. I get to go home to see the kids today and my wife will leave. She was very angry yesterday and I think she realizes that this is how it is going to be. I feel badly that she feels that way, I know how much it stinks to leave the kids. I also know how exhausting it can be to be with them for 7 straight days too.
I talked with my grandmother last night and talking is helping a lot. I just want to have that last chance...which I already did...but this time I am doing something and wll continue
It's a tough day. I get to go home, but I just can't get happy. I hate that. I try to focus on all the good. I focus on the fact that I am not divorced yet; but this last resort technique is killing me. I want so much to talk to her and tell her how I feel. I worry that saying nothing and just being happy will make her think I have moved on and am okay with this. Same thing with filing jointly. I agreed to because I felt it was the best possible outcome. As a result we have not yet filed, but we have an appt with a mediator on Monday to start the division of our assets and debt.
I'm just sick and want so badly to be in a good mood when I get the kids again.
I guess I need some confirmation that I am doing the right thing in remaining friendly with her and not pushing her to change her mind and stay.
I want so much to talk to her and tell her how I feel.
Try to really see this from the outside. Think how selfish that statement is. She doesn't want to talk to you, yet you want to ignore that to get your needs met. The way to show her love right now is to give her what she wants - space. You need to take care of yourself now. You can do it. I'm sure you did it just fine before you met her, didn't you?
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I worry that saying nothing and just being happy will make her think I have moved on and am okay with this.
You WANT her to think this. She has put up enormous psychological walls to protect herself from you, and the guilt she feels over leaving you. She has to feel those walls are no longer necessary before she'll take them down. If you're okay and not pressuring her and moving on, she'll realize she doesn't need them any more.
No matter what she says, the fact that she's hesitating regarding D procedures indicates conflict within her.
You're at the beginning of a long road. Just hang in there, work on yourself, take care of yourself, treat your W with love and respect, and be patient.
No, I know...you are right. I don't deny it is selfish...
I have stuck to my "last resort guns" and actually saw it do some good today. We were emailing coordially. I didn't do it too much and it ended on a positive note.
I know she is thinking about things with less anger...I guess I don't know, but I do see some positive...I have days like that though too.
Time will tell. I will cherrish the time with the kids tonight and through the next week. We go to Mediation on Monday, which stinks; but I will be upbeat and positive and supportive, but also fair to her and myself.
Thank you, Unknown, for the directness of your statment...it does help.
Dear HelpMe, I am so glad that you continue to come here to post about your feelings. I hope you will do that as often as you need to in order to help get you to the next day.....or hour, whatever the case. You have a lot on your plate and are fighing more than what a lot of people do. You must feel so tired b/c of the constant stuggle that you endure all the time.
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I worry that saying nothing and just being happy will make her think I have moved on and am okay with this.
Every single person whose S have left or is thinking about leaving feels this same way. They are so desparate to hold on to what's theirs. It seems so opposite of what their heart wants to be doing. DBing is not for weak people.....it takes strength and resolve to face each day and keep giving all you have, and then some more.
I want you to try to picture a woman (your wife) and you have a rope tied around her waist. Picture her in your mind pulling with all her might to get away from you. Then picture yourself as holding onto that rope and pulling back with all your force and preventing her from getting away from you. That is actually what is being played out in this R.
Now, while you have that picture in your mind.....think of what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope. I bet she would be pulling so hard to get out of that strong hold you have until she would almost fall on her face when you dropped that rope! She would stumble and then stop and turn around and look at you....wondering what was going on. Now, see yourself looking away from her and getting busy enjoying something else. Now, she is totally shocked by your actions. As you continue to stay busy, she notices you are laughing and enjoying life. She sees that you are growing as an individual. She sees you playing with the kids and how much they are loving having you in the center of their life. She sees you with friends, family, and new people who you've met and are developing new friendships and doing new activities/hobbies. You are looking really great and she's wondering why you've begin to dress the way you are.....or why you smell so good.......are other women noticing you, etc. She moves in closer to watch you more closely. Yo smile at her and speak, but you are not distracted by her and you just keep on enjoying what you were doing. She tries to get your attention. The more you pull away, the closer she tries to get to you. She discovers that she is attracted to her H and that she really does love him and doesn't want to lose him. Therefore, she begins to flirt with him and win him to her.
How does that picture look now? Pretty good, huh? That is what can happen when you apply DB principles. Right now, you are holding tight to an emotional rope around your W (who is trying hard to get away from you). The harder you try to hold her and keep her from leaving....the harder she'll fight. So, you know what you need to do, right? How do you drop an emotional rope? Let her go. Stop wearing your heart around on your sleeve. Stop acting desparate. Stop showing how sad you feel even though you have to "fake it". Don't watch her. Start showing others your attention. Give your energy to other projects/hobbies/activites/etc. Play with your kids and plan special days with them. Work at your appearance.......she will hear through the grapevine how wonderful you look, act, etc. Until you set her free and she experiences it for herself......she will never want you. You have to be attractive to her and the way you are right now is not attractive to her. I don't say that to put you down, but as a WAW, I know what she's feeling. I know how unattractive my H was when he was doing what you are doing. But if she thinks that you don't want her.....and that you are unavailable to her.....then that is a different story! When you are not pursuing her.....then you become attractive. This may not make any sense to you at all. There may not be any logic to any of this....but you must trust what I am saying. I will not promise that your sife will move back into the MR, but I can tell you that this is the only chance you have. She certainly will not listen to your pleas at trying to convince her to stay. She knows how you feel.....trust me. It won't do any good to try to tell her. Women want what they think they cannot have or the man who does not want them.
You don't want to think about dating right now, and I understand that. But, it has been proven time after time that when there are any feelings left in a person.....that will spring to life when they see another person showing interest in the S they use to have. Human nature!
Please, trust this DB technique. It works. Yes, is hard and it takes time, but it works better than any other technique that I have heard about.....and I've read a lot of stuff out there.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am doing it, but it has only been a few days. Telling the kids was tough. I cried and hugged them, but never asked her to reconsider. in fact, she struggled to tell them and I ended up doing it.
Today I didn't email her, but when she emailed me, I replied politly and didn't bring up anything confrontational. I let her know our old house was cleaned of my stuff and she could go anytime. She replied back with a thank you.
I don't email her unless I need to because of the kids. I need to work at being the last to email...not replying to every email. I do wait and don't get overly eager to reply; but I need to just let the emails go sometime. She seemed to be trying to engage me tonight in an email, asking questions in each one.
I need to let them sit overnight. Not to hurt her feelings, but to let her know that I am busy and involved in other things and not like an eager puppy looking for another pat on the head.
You are very wise. Your advice makes a lot of sense; but it is contrary to what I feel and what I natually want to do. This DB thing is tough, but I also am a person who has survived terribel abuse as a child to become a college graduate, husband and father. I have a great job and am even an elected offical in my community (which makes going through a divorce that much harder).
I know I can do this and because I know what I want (my marriage to NOT end), I am willing to do whatever I need.
That might mean posting her often, and I thank all of you for the support you are giving. Just posting makes me feel stronger.
Back to playing with the kids. Who knew play-dough could be this much fun!
So sorry for your situation Helpme - posting here really does help you remain sane! I found a different seperation/divorce/mlc board before this one and it was so sad & depressing...here however there is some hope in the air. I hope that good things will happen for you! HUGS!
Thanks Buttercup. I feel good today, I am probably just avoiding the reality of my situation, but I'll enjoy it while I can. I am back home for the week with my kids as my wife is at the old house. I thank God she is being fair when it comes to the divorce and kids. 50/50 on everything.
While we haven't filed, we go to meet a mediation attorney on Monday and that is where we start the process. It will be sad, but I still have 4 days to continue to be kind and make progress, even after we file, I have 4 months to work on DB before it is final.
I have been seeing a counselor and it has helped so much. I have told so many people about my abusive father in the last few weeks and until about 2 weeks ago not a soul on this planet knew about it.
I have a lot of anger toward my dad, and I need to forgive him. Then, I need to work on forgiving myself Only then will it be possible for my wife to forgive me, at least in my mind.
I remain realistic about my situation, but also optimistic about the power I could have in shaping its final outcome.
Like I said, today was a good day. Tomorrow I could be all doom and gloom; but I know I have the choice each day...sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.
Thanks for all the kind words. Kids are in bed and it is time for a movie.
If you want to stay married and are going through a crisis such as I. Don't watch "definitly, maybe". I guess it was a good movie. It involves a failed marriage, moving on, kids, etc.. just like me. But I was always hoping for the typical happy ending where everything works out (sorry if I spoil it for you). Many of you who have gone through this and moved on will probably tell me that it did work out in the end...I guess I don't see that yet.
How do you let go? That may seem like a dumb question, but when you spend 15 years holding on, fighting to make a life, it is very hard to let go. I am doing it. I am letting go....but it is so sad. I feel like my spouse has died.
I know that sounds selfish, and I am not showing anger, regret or sadness to my wife. I want her to know that I want her to be happy, first and foremost. If I can have her happy and my wife, well that would be GREAT; but I don't tell her that. I do need to move on. I do need to know that I can start over, that I can meet someone else and begin a new life with them. I'm typing these words more to convince myself then to convince any of you.
How to you deal with regret? I have tons of it. I know you have to forgive yourself; but how does that work? I'd like to say "I forgive myself" and be happy; but right now that seems like I am ignoring my mistakes and just moving on. I know I am grieving yet. I am angry sometimes. I am sad sometimes. But I am happy too; but it is usually when I am feeling hopeful. I can't rely on hope to feel good, because if the hope fails, I will be crushed.
I'm making a bucket list. At 33, I don't think I am going through a midlife crisis, but I think skydiving is in my near future (with a parachute :-).
