Dear Saffie -- Thank you for your kind and true words. We just had a Retrouvaille weekend here in our town 7 days ago. I tried to get my wife to go, but she was still in the SA and refused. Now that she's on the other side of the breakup (crossing my fingers), she might be more open to it.
The last few weeks (and before I read DB) I've grown increasingly uncomfortable saying things like "think of the kids" or "for the sake of the kids." While I do believe she isn't thinking straight -- and certainly being selfish -- I want to seek reconciliation for the sake of all 5 of us, but even more for the 2 of us. I don't think she's realized that -- divorced or married -- we'll be in weekly contact regarding the kids for the next few decades.
As a Christian, I know two things. (And please forgive me for explaining my faith.) First, we are all fallen and imperfect. None of us is without sin (an archery term meaning "to miss the mark.") And second, JC sacrificed himself to pay the price, so we wouldn't have to. As a husband and father, I understand that so well now, because I would readily run thru traffic, a warzone, or cross shark-infested waters to save my W and family.
If my W's sin has been the SA, then my sin has been laying the foundation for her discontent. You may be right about the post natal depression, and God knows my W can be very materialistic and a spendthrift, but for a long time I haven't been there for her like I should've been. Instead I viewed it as her problem for failing to make me happy in the M. Until recently, I've been a very passive, sit-on-the-couch, unambitious guy. (Now I'm in a new job where I can't wait to take on the world, and prove what I can achieve.)
I've undermined her trust by using credit cards to artificially prop up our lifestyle (80% her spending and 20% mine) and for 5 years I told her when she would ask that the card was paid off, when it wasn't. The monthly balance stayed a manageable $2k-10k until I was laid off in JAN. I got a new job in MAY, but by AUG we had $28k in debt. My parents and her parents equally paid it off, but it was humiliating for both of us (more for her).
Compounding my dishonesty about our finances, she gave up her tenured position in MAY. At the time, she happily gave it up, thinking we were financially secure, and because the 100-mile commute was one she never wanted to make again. Now that she's considering life w/o me, she claims I took her job and career away and will never forgive me. She forgets that she pleaded w/ me in the spring to find a better job so she could resign.
I think the worst thing I've done is not support her emotionally. She felt sucked dry from raising twin toddlers and a 4yo. She nursed the twins for 18mos straight, and could count on 1 hand the nites she and they slept thru. I slept thru the majority of those nites, justifying in mind that I needed my sleep for work the next day. They never took to bottles, so how could I have helped? I know now that at the very least I could have gotten up and held her hand.
I believe in the power of forgiveness. I've heard of other couples getting past SAs. But I do hear it's a very, very long road to recovery. Maybe Retrouvaille or another program will help. For now, I think she's very depressed (because the SA is over, the M is ending, and the reality of bills and raising 3 kids alone is setting in). I'm hoping some of her Christian friends (who she's ignored for the past 6 wks of the SA) may be able to encourage her now.
I do love my W dearly, even though she's become a completely different person during the SA. I wish I could send her this post, but I know it's not DB's way. We're only on day #2 of a 6mo Collaborative D process, so I pray that time brings healing, forgiveness, and a chance for us both to step back from this chasm.
I know I'm early in the process, but I wish I knew at what point to make a move here. I don't want to get through $20k in legal bills to realize we could've saved this $15k ago. It's not the money, but I don't want her heart to harden and accept that D is inevitable because too much has been said and done.
When do I switch from detaching to an ultimatum? I guess I need to get DR. Any advice?
