Facebook Affair Wrecks Family of 5 - Need advice

[saffie]

Airwolf,

Firstly let me give you some of my background so you know where I am 'coming from' in my comments to you. I am the one whose H had the A. It went on unbeknownst to me for 18 months with one of my H's employees. I was the one who tried to commit suicide when I found out. We have four children- ours are older and at the time were 15,13,11 and 8 yrs old.

I think a lot of what will happen in the future depends on WHY your W felt the need to look outside your M for comfort.

I feel your anger and hurt and I greatly sympathise, but if you want to keep your M, (and don't do it just for the kids, that is never a good enough reason IMO), then you need to see what brought you both to this point. Your W may be the one that has broken her vows and gone outside the M but I don't believe you are perfect and did not cause to some extent, her reasons for looking elsewhere.Usually both parties have contributed to the breakdown of a M and an OP is a symptom , not the cause of a marital problem. In addition, your children are young, she could be suffering from post natal depression, ( that often doesn't kick in until a child is 6 months old and can occur up until the child is around 5yrs old).

If you want to save your M you must look at what caused it's downfall and each 'own' your own part.

Don't worry too much about what you tell your children - they are young and will be very accepting. It is actually harder for older children to cope with. Whatever you do though, do not use your children as a weapon. Their mother will always be their mother, just as you will always be their father. DO NOT talk negatively about each other to the children.

My H and I managed to both 'own' our own parts in the downfall of our M. Once we got past the inital horror we realised that we did love each other deeply still.....we had just grown apart with all the things that life throws at one when raising a family etc.

Of course I despise the OW. She voluntarily left her own two small children to try and take my H away from me. She had it all planned out that I would leave my children and she would move in and become their mother and she would just step into my shoes - fat chance. It would have been over my dead body. If I ever see her again I don't know what I would do - I have never been able to reach a stage of forgiveness as far as she is concerned and I don't think I ever will; but then she is just a peripheral thing.

Your W may not know why she has done what she has - it may just be a cry for help. I know you are hurt but please don't despise her. We are all human and even if you don't manage to save your M, ( or don't want to), you will always need to be able to commmunicate effectively for the sake of your children.

BTW, anger, hate, hurt,etc. all show we care still. The worst thing of all is complete disinterest. If your W shows you that then you are probably on a loser.

Have you heard of Retrouvaille? Try searching for that. It is something that many couples on here have tried and it has really helped their situations.