I took two xanax yesterday. Hadn`t taken them in a while but needed the calm in the face of this tension.
Kept busy but H was stomping about the place. Came up to me at one point and asked if I had any preparation done for mediation next week. I said No and asked him if he had anything prepared, he said he hadn`t.I asked him if he knew what was the first session was about he said maybe about the kids he wasn`t sure and he left the room.Dunno what that was about.
His car broke down later and I asked if he could borrow mine. I offered to go with him but he said no, he could manage.I left him to it. End of yesterday`s interactions.
he was annoyed at me taking his washing out of the machine last night so he left the damp clothes on my bed while I was asleep. I had to in order to put on another wash and genuinely didn`t do it to upset him. He was raging about the clothes this am but I calmly explained my case, said I wasn`t trying to upset him. I said I`d left dinner for him and offered to help him with his car so surely that would show that I wasn`t trying to get at him.
He sees what he wants to see.
I`m wobbling on my tightrope of calm.
I know H is doing anything to push me off.
I know he has a need to do that because he is tense about the separation process and because he is in deep pain.
He will try to push me by nit picking on the smallest little thing he can see.
He is trying to prove to me that the M isn`t working by engaging me in petty squabbles.
He is trying to make me the one to control the separation by asking me what preparation I`d done for it.
He needs to know by my actions that I am letting him go.(even though I`m finding this very hard to do-I keep hoping he`ll change his mind)
I think today`s petty squabble though may have deflected some of his anger, so I can stay calm. Acknowledging that Tuesdays mediation is going ahead takes out the tension of not knowing too.
Thanks for reading! No need to post -I am ok!Just journalling, just trying to stay on top of it and figure it all out.Brutal place that it is!
