Each time I read the Six stages, I reminded myself that this was going to be a long journey.
The thing that bothers me the most is what she is doing to our son. But, that is why I came here. I want to become a better individual and I hope to help others too with an experiences I may have.
When you mentioned feeling like you were her dad we could have seen that one coming a mile away. Not having a dad treat her like his little princess denied her validation and love in her growth years. When you entered the picture you might have expected to be a friend, a lover, and even a father to your child.
Without prior knowledge you couldn't have seen that she grew up with a void she expected you to fill. She knew whe wanted you as a friend, lover and maybe father of her child ... but she probably never realized she also needed you to fill that hole from her youth. She needed you to be able to make her that princess. You may have succeeded at times, for both of you. But she expected forever. She expected it to go away, yet it keeps coming back. The OM won't be able to make it disappear long either. No one but her can confront it. All anyone else can do is distract her.
Most of us adults can handle the callousness of the MLCers actions or inactions.
However, too many of us become indignant when we see them 'doing' this to our children.
"How DARE They?!?!"
Well first off, they dare quite well, how dare you? ; )
Secondly...we use our children as proxies for how we really feel. Its like a safety valve. We think we can handle the amoral adulturous entitled person our spouse has become, and we act that way...right up until that low life selfish scumbag affects our children and their life.
...
Know what I mean?
Food for thought...when my youngest, pulled away from my wife to hold my hand crossing the parking lot, because he was used to me being around...she almost broke down, and I am not big enough to say a part of me didn't dance inside when that happened.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
What I see in the new things you've written tonight is that your wife (are you married to her or not? I'm confused on that suddenly...) Anyway, she doesn't seem to have much in the way of family ties. With her parents gone, a distant step father and a sister she barely talks to, my bet is she's a somewhat detached individual anyway. What would you say to that? Give us some more insight into your personal relationship with her prior to the crisis. I'm glad to be told I'm wrong, btw! It's just that parents hugely impact our ability to relate to and form close bonds with others...her background is a key to this whole mess she's going through now.
Wanting to understand her and not just chuck her to the wolves is great and admirable. It's also difficult and I'll tell you why - the drive to understand her will keep the mirror facing her. And your greatest chance to endure this and come out of it with anything resembling personal victory requires you do the hardest thing imaginable; turn the mirror around and look at yourself.
She's 'out there' right now. You can not reach her. At best, you might catch glimpses of the woman you recall. Nothing you can DO will snap her out of this though. It is a journey down one long and winding road. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes better than ever before. But it's a hellacious, edge of your seat, nailbiting, head-spinning, hair standing on end ride to get there. So some never turn around - BECAUSE - quite frankly - the ride's a b!tch.
So turn the mirror around and get to know yourself as you are. Recognize your failures in the relationship. Discover the ways in which you could become a better man; a better father. Look at and improve your communication skills (we all lacked them upon arrival here so I'm assuming you do as well). The list is yours to create and check off as you will. But MLCer, WAS, LBS or MLC survivor, we all need to continually be improving ourselves. None of us have arrived. Not one.
Good luck in your journey. I know you did not set out on it of your own volition but trust that you are exactly where YOU are meant to be.
Amy
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
If I am viewed as a father figure, that must mean she must view me as an authority figure, right? Is that good or bad?
Simply put, that's bad. And not attractive at this stage in her life. It isn't necessarily that you ACT like you are an authority figure either. But rather it's how the warped MLC mind might PERCEIVE you to be. And sadly, her perceptions are the rule right now.
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
We are not married. We were planning on getting married. But we wanted to purchase our home before we got married.
You are correct in that she is a detached individual.When she had some alone time, all she wanted to do was sit and watch TV. Basically, if our son was not demanding attention, she resorted to watching to TV to relax. Also, she would hardly ever call her friends from back home to talk. Basically, I was the only person she spoke to on a consistent basis. I did feel some pressure to maintain a positive relationship since I was the person she was closest to.
Our relationship had its ups and downs. Overall, I think our relationship was good. We had our disagreements and fun moments. Even our friends thought we had a good relationship since we treated each other well.
You are right, there were times when I did not communicate. But, I think that was more of my way of mirroring her way of communicating with me. Instead of bringing things to my attention, she would bottle them up. Looking back, that was not the proper manner in which I should have handled the situation.
When we first met, of course it was peaches and cream. We enjoyed each others company and we both felt like we had a lot in common. We both are huge sports fans and we love to travel. Plus, she explained to me that she did not plan on having any children. After a year or so, she said she wanted to be the mother of my children. She even had girl names picked out since she was sure that our first born was going to be a girl. She even wanted to become a stay at home mom. So, she supported me in my quest to improve my career. Luckily, I did not have to work long hours to achieve that goal, so it worked out quite well for us.
Amy,
Are there any questions that you would like to ask about our relationship? I know you have some specific questions you would like to ask about her.
That's what I figured. I also noticed that she has been projecting her feelings onto me lately. She called me a compulsive liar the other day. I found that quite disturbing since all she has been doing is lying for the past 6 months.
She did say I was selfish. I think that is partly true. But, aren't we all selfish at times? That's one thing I have decided to improve about myself.
But the compulsive liar accusation, that one hurt.
Are there any questions that you would like to ask about our relationship? I know you have some specific questions you would like to ask about her.
You've answered my immediate questions. If I think of others, which I'm sure I will, I'll ask.
Get used to the projecting. It's one of most distasteful aspects of MLC. We become experts at pointing the finger at you and never noticing that when we do so, we have 3 pointing back at us. It's the nature of the beast; denial.
Generally, there's nothing wrong with watching TV to unwind. I do that myself sometimes. It is great that you recognize her support of your career growth. Did you ever tell her you appreciated her for that??
The thing I learned about MLC after I had my own and started climing out of the hell-hole, is that it is quite literally the scene of a crash. The place where your childhood issues crash into your current issues. The kicker is that by and large, we're not even aware we have any "childhood issues" and at best, we are only minimally aware that we have CURRENT issues.
The bottom line is a dissatisfaction with self. Some of the dissatisfaction lies in the way we were brought up, the things we were taught or not taught, the love we were shown and not....broken families, tragic losses....[insert any other event that might cause dysfunction when improperly dealt with here]...they come to meet us in our (**SURPRISE**) dysfunctional adulthood.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think your wife lost something that's very precious and critical to a young girl when she lost her father. I think the stepfather was not a good "replacement" and I think maybe she became disengaged early on. That's a survival instinct that she would have carried into her adulthood. That would explain a certain level of detachment but it's not her fault. And in a way, her mind is screaming now for something REAL, something authentic - but she doesn't know that. The bridge between the past, present and future is high and narrow right now but hopefully she will look inside at some point and dare to seek the truth. HER truth.
I was your girlfriend's age when I started unraveling. For almost 3 years I was like a tasmanian devil. While I never abandoned my children during the process, I successfully wrecked my relationships with almost everyone else around me. Then I spent 3+ years waking up and walking back. The growing pains were immense and soul-etching. I haven't been the same since my eyes were opened and that was a journey in and of itself which largely played out on these boards. My soon to be ex-husband on the other hand didn't change at all. He loves me and would take me back right now as it stands. But he never grew beyond his ability to reach for another drink so that isn't happening and I have moved on. Funny thing, it was the "moving on" that got him to admit that he does still love me. Just not enough to sober up.
Life's a dance my new friend. You learn as you go.
Last edited by Amy40; 10/01/0903:25 AM.
"Let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall" 1 Cor. 10:12
You never cease to amaze me with your words and the love that is in your heart. ((((hugs)))).
Drew,
I do want to say that I agree with Amy about your girlfriend. It sounds like she was already pretty detatched from other people and eventually, that stuff does need to express itself.
Please look at things you could have done differently,not as a way to blame yourself but as a way to improve yourself.
The projection hurts. Jack says to learn to be a duck and let it roll off of your back. He is right. Otherwise it will do more damage to you and you will have a harder road to walk.
Learn about MLC as a way to understand what is happening, as a way to help you make the choices you will need to make as this continues. But I too will caution you to not make it your only focus because then the mirror is always turned to her.
In does need to be on you. The only way to do it is through it.
Peace.
PS, what's my tab?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
