UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Shane
You are such a good person, I just know that in my heart. Thank you a million times over for dropping in with your sensible and heartfelt words which have made an impact upon me.

To answer some of your questions: work is a temporary situation for me at the moment. As I have had to hit the ground running, I have not wanted to wear my heart on my sleeve and no-one knows what is going on in my life. If I am to be lucky enough to get my contract extended to a full time position, maybe then will be the opportunity to spill the beans but until then, I have to keep quiet. No-one is going to employ an emotional wreck and, although I made an error at work today (administrative only, fortunately), I was able to clean it up for myself and no harm done. If they had been aware of a) my situation and b) my error, it may have been a different story.

I have thought about leaving here and it's certainly not out of the question. However, until I have given this more time and I know that it is definitely over and the house gets sold, then I am hanging on to the only safety net that I have, whatever the cost - this is my home and I can't leave until I have no other options.

You are so right about who controls your emotions and, you will be proud of me now, but I have just received 3 emails from H and I have controlled myself marvellously! I am practising my PMA and this is the time to start and continue the way forward. I wanted to reply immediately but I have restrained myself. It has taken him almost two weeks to reply so I think that he can wait a few days from me! I do feel that I want to rant a bit over the subject matter but I won't - I shall get that anger out and then sit and write my responses - which will be posted here, first.


You are right I know - it's not about him or us now - it's about me and my cats! I want to start living it Shane, I really do. I just don't know how at the moment but I am trying, honestly I am. Finding PMA is so difficult. Two of the girls in the office are getting M any day now and that's all the talk is ... I was even asked to contribute for the presents today, which I felt a bit miffed about seeing that I don't know the girls and have only been there two weeks. Jealousy was another factor but I swallowed that as I got my wallet out!

I can relate to your feeling of dying inside - and this is where I kind of feel upset for H when he told me that he felt as though he was dying in our M - but he had control over that and he did precious little about it. I have no control over this, even though I am trying to gain control by changing the way I feel.

Today I have been quite good - I have been so busy and stressed over other things that I had little time to think about H, other than when I was driving to my appointments. Now that I am home, it's all flooding back again but I am trying not to be 'in the valley' ... difficult though when I had a GAL activity of meeting my friend around at her daughters this evening, got there and they were out! Geez, was it something that I said??!!

I hear what you are saying about acting out on people's great advice but I also know that you appreciate how hard that is when you have no PMA, feel flat and can only see dark clouds where there should be sunny skies. Throw some of the other problems in to the mix and it's no wonder that I can't get off my starting blocks.

I do promise Shane, I will try to work my way out of this valley and be happier. I don't want to feel this way and I can see that it's physically not good for me - my skin is awful and I look like a wreck now that we are almost at the end of the week. I'm not sleeping properly and I feel ready to pack it all in.

This weekend, I shall go to the library and then take a drive up the new road near us. I want to check it out! Some more gardening to do should help with my PMA and I am going to go through some boxes that are here and have never been unpacked. It will help, if we go or if we stay in this home. It may also feel like a bit of life laundry, so it's all for the good, whichever way I view it!

Thanks again for dropping in and I hope that you will be back soon. I shall visit you at your post later ...

(((Shane)))