Well, went out tonight. Had a great time. Got hit on by an adorable guy who I gave my number to.
Of course, more texts from H. I called my mom tonight and told her what's up and that I really want to see a T so I can get my head straight because I'm really struggling. She insisted that she was so impressed with how I'm handling all of this. I told her I really need help.
More texts from H regarding S9 who couldn't sleep tonight because he was scared etc.
H wanted to talk. I said I would try to find a counselor for S9 and we can talk tomorrow. He texted more...how am I doing etc. I finally lost it ( :/)...I called him and I spelled it out for him. He admitted to being selfish and he apologized for not leaving me alone. He said he feels f*cked up and he agreed that he's made a mess but he doesn't know how to get help. HE suggested that maybe we could go in and see someone together. I told him I am going in to see someone myself and if the T is good then maybe H could come in but first I need to deal with me.
I was clear. I am not going to be anyone's second choice. I expressed honestly how perverse it feels that he was playing both of us (me and GF). He finally listened and acknowledged.
We talked about S9 a bit and I said I think he is going through a lot and that even though I think it has much to do with H leaving, it is moot because he is not coming back so we need to just deal with S's issues.
I told H that I cannot have any kind of relationship right now...I have to get myself straightened out.
I do feel better. I am so tired. I'm sad that he's so screwed up. I think he may be help-able based on his willingness to listen and take a little more responsibility (yes, it is just words but even listening has been a struggle for him lately)...I have no illusions about this relationship and its salvageability (or lack there-of).
I hope the guy I met tonight contacts me. Just some attention and stimulating conversation (he's a talented comedic writer).
Thanks for the support here, I need it. Theoretical GF was no where near as gut-wrenchingly painful as real life GF...
But, this is who H is. I can't pin down how this story should end...I can't decide if the prospect of a future with H is better or worse than divorce. I can however digest the truth and love myself a little more...
