Newbie.....dealing with a MLC'er....

[Amy40]

Are there any questions that you would like to ask about our relationship? I know you have some specific questions you would like to ask about her.

You've answered my immediate questions.
If I think of others, which I'm sure I will, I'll ask.

Get used to the projecting.
It's one of most distasteful aspects of MLC.
We become experts at pointing the finger at you and never noticing that when we do so, we have 3 pointing back at us.
It's the nature of the beast; denial.

Generally, there's nothing wrong with watching TV to unwind.
I do that myself sometimes.
It is great that you recognize her support of your career growth.
Did you ever tell her you appreciated her for that??

The thing I learned about MLC after I had my own and started climing out of the hell-hole, is that it is quite literally the scene of a crash. The place where your childhood issues crash into your current issues. The kicker is that by and large, we're not even aware we have any "childhood issues" and at best, we are only minimally aware that we have CURRENT issues.

The bottom line is a dissatisfaction with self.
Some of the dissatisfaction lies in the way we were brought up, the things we were taught or not taught, the love we were shown and not....broken families, tragic losses....[insert any other event that might cause dysfunction when improperly dealt with here]...they come to meet us in our (**SURPRISE**) dysfunctional adulthood.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think your wife lost something that's very precious and critical to a young girl when she lost her father. I think the stepfather was not a good "replacement" and I think maybe she became disengaged early on. That's a survival instinct that she would have carried into her adulthood. That would explain a certain level of detachment but it's not her fault. And in a way, her mind is screaming now for something REAL, something authentic - but she doesn't know that. The bridge between the past, present and future is high and narrow right now but hopefully she will look inside at some point and dare to seek the truth. HER truth.

I was your girlfriend's age when I started unraveling.
For almost 3 years I was like a tasmanian devil. While I never abandoned my children during the process, I successfully wrecked my relationships with almost everyone else around me. Then I spent 3+ years waking up and walking back. The growing pains were immense and soul-etching. I haven't been the same since my eyes were opened and that was a journey in and of itself which largely played out on these boards. My soon to be ex-husband on the other hand didn't change at all. He loves me and would take me back right now as it stands. But he never grew beyond his ability to reach for another drink so that isn't happening and I have moved on. Funny thing, it was the "moving on" that got him to admit that he does still love me. Just not enough to sober up.

Life's a dance my new friend.
You learn as you go.