8 months into it, first post

[Ready2Change]

Sandi is a WISE WOMAN! Read her post again.

... I know I'm happier when I talk with her...

Doing things that make YOU happy is very important. I am happy to be alone. I am happy interacting with other people. During this difficult time in my life, I learned not to put my happiness into someone eles's hands.

.. She lives an hour away, which gets me a little nervous....

Where is the nervousness coming from(look deeper than normal)? You could look shallow : Is she too close, too far away?

Sorry for the 2x4's, but I am a FIXER (IE man).

[EJohn]

Thanks, as a man, I guess it takes a few times before it sinks in! Kind of forgot about the being happy for myself and to just be myself. For the nervousness...guess I'm still putting too much thought on it. If I'm just going out to have fun, what's to be nervous about?

It's amazing. When I first started reading posts here, I'd come across things where I would think "why doesn't this person get it", now I'm find myself doing the same. I'm glad a I came here.

[sandi2]

We are glad you came here too! It is hard to see things as plainly in our own stitch as we can when it is somebody else's.

I will offer this suggestion to you about not knowing if you want your W back and not knowing if she would ever be mentally strong or leveled out enough for the pain & effort to be worth it (my words and not yours).......I feel that you shouldn't try to make a decision about that at this time. It is putting too much pressure on you. I would say to move on with your life....and as you said, without any "expectations" of R with any particular person. Live your life to make yourself happy...for a change....instead of having to include another person (not counting your children, of course). It may sound kind of selfish, but I don't see it like that. I see it as a time for healing and a time to grow.

As I said before, I don't believe people should leave one serious R and go right into another serious R. I think people are deceiving themselves b/c how can a person truly fall in and out of love that fast? I believe it takes time to heal over a broken R and you owe it to yourself and your children to give your future a good beginning. Don't hurry about making "any" lifelong decisions. Enjoy each day as it comes.

As long as your W is unstable, I personally don't think she needs to be in a R with you or anyone. I hope somebody can have enough influence to get her to a doctor. After reading more of the story, it sounds like it is much more than hormonal problems. Something is very unbalanced with her if this has gone on for years. I think it is commendable that you look at M the way you do, but at the risk of sounding bad here....you might need to take this chance at a fresh new life since it is being offered to you. She was the one who didn't want to be M to you, and she still wants an A over being M.....so I think you are justified in walking through an open door.

[EJohn]

Don't hurry about making "any" lifelong decisions.

Thanks sandi2. With the pretrial hearing coming up in just over a month, I just feel like I'm running out of time. I do want to try, and similar to your signature quote, I'd rather fail trying, than not trying at all.

I meet with the lawyer next week to work on the proposal for the pretrial, and I've thought of asking for an extension to try to work things out, but if it comes from me, wouldn't that look like weakness and push her away more? I want to give her more time, although it might hit her when she receives the proposal and she may ask for an extension. This is a big decision, and I don't want to be a few years down the road with regret.

[Ready2Change]

As I always say, Sandi is a wise woman.

...It is hard to see things as plainly in our own stitch as we can when it is somebody else's.

Helping others helps me. Advise I pass out becomes believes that I can use in my own sitch. I step out of MY BOX and think, what would I tell someone else? What would someone else say to me? This thinking before reacting helps me focus on what is important and does not let my subconscious reactions take over.

[Ready2Change]

....and I've thought of asking for an extension to try to work things out, but if it comes from me, wouldn't that look like weakness and push her away more...

This line standout:

"I don't want a D, but if that will make you happy, I will not stand in your way"

If you love someone, set them free.

Parenting with love and logic focuses on Empathy,choices and natural consequences. These tools also work with spouses, and other people you interact with.

"I am sorry that you are XYZ right now. I understand how hard this must be for you. I know D looks like the only option right now, but I see many other solutions....."

[Ready2Change]

Check out this post: Link to post

[Phoenixdeux]

I'm days behind, so this could be repetitive for you. You have been given great advice already so this may not add much.

First, you weren't wrong to bring up seeing the OM's truck or thinking that her life was not your business. This is a woman that floated the idea of reconciliation. In order for you to ever trust that, she has to give up OM entirely (she has to quit him cold turkey) and be transparent. She wasn't up for that. I would bet you money that she knew you were dating and that prompted her sudden desire for reconciliation. Where does it stand now? Is she just waffling back and forth? I would say that if she floats the idea again, I would be very non-commital (ie "I will think about this.")

Secondly, you were right not to let things go anywhere with OW. I'd say that you should definitely keep it more friendly so as not to hurt her. Besides, as Sandy said, you really can't move from one relationship to another. Keep dating her to a minimum and focus more on your own life. Try to get out with the guys. Maybe look around a bit. Flirt. Just try to continue on with the confidence boosters. While you are focused on yourself, it's okay to ask whether your wife brings anything to the table. It does sound like she's at least making some effort, ala the meds, and that's a decent sign. Many of the WAWs only see this as a problem with their spouse. Keep an open mind about her....but make her SHOW you, rather than just TELL you.

P.S. I would let her delay it...or at least provide the opening to delay the divorce. Many see divorce as the end all...I see it as just a piece of paper stating in writing what was probably already true...you are divorced. Doesn't mean that you can't be together again. When you quit worrying about a piece of paper, it's easier to be more comfortable and less stressed out and desperate.

[sandi2]

I just feel like I'm running out of time. I do want to try, and similar to your signature quote, I'd rather fail trying, than not trying at all.

I understand and appreciate what you are saying. I want to only point you to a couple of things to remember. First, ask yourself if there is a "difference" in what works....and you trying. If what you think of as "trying" doesn't "work" with your W, then you are actually hurting yourself with any hopes of leaving a door cracked open for the future after a D.

Secondly, taking a "stand" for your M is not weakness. It is more about your behavior while you are standing.

I agree that a D does not have to be the end. I see the "end" when one of you M's another person.

I understand a person's belief system and their standards, etc., but when you stop and really think things over carefully.....you need to do what will work with your wife, and not what you think should work based upon your feelins or beliefs. Only you can make that decision.

[sandi2]

After your post, I started thinking and decided to change my signature line. I hope the message there is just as strong.