Well, I'm about 99% sure we're headed for D. She's headed out right now..just to get away from me. We both work so we're only together for about 4-5 hours in the evening but she's been making up reasons to get out of the house almost every night.
Tonight, she's going to visit her girlfried...who happens to live 45 minutes away. So she's going to spend 1 1/2 hours driving (round trip) just to avoid being in the same place as me. Nice. That's assuming she really is going to visit her girlfriend. Who knows if that's the truth.
Anyway, I'm heading out to the bookstore with my son to pick up DR. I'm afraid it might already too late but I'm still going to give it a shot.
One more thing...last night, I left the DB window open on our computer...with the WAW Syndrome article on the screen...just so my W would see it. I just asked her if she read it & she said...yeah, I figured that's why you left it up. I asked if she thought it sounded like what we're going through & she said...no, not at all. Amazing. I'm telling you, it is EXACTLY what we're going through. Maybe having her read the article was a mistake. I don't know. Just thought it might make her realize that what we're going through is sort of common & things can get better.
Well, I'm off to the bookstore! Then I get my son all to myself for the rest of the evening!
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
One more thing...last night, I left the DB window open on our computer...with the WAW Syndrome article on the screen...just so my W would see it. I just asked her if she read it & she said...yeah, I figured that's why you left it up. I asked if she thought it sounded like what we're going through & she said...no, not at all.
She knows that's why you left it up and she resents you for it. I remember another poster writing that he'd read all these relationship books and look for sections he could read to his W to show her what she was doing wrong.
Your only chance to work on you, improve yourself and pray that she sees the changes and wants to keep you around.
I've learned the hard way I can't make my W happy, only she can. I can't fix our M, I can only fix myself and hope she wants to work at it.
The only good conversation my W and I have had about our R is after I wrote her a letter admitting what I had done wrong -- through a marriage class I had a major epiphany -- and that I don't blame her 100 percent for the breakup. That's the only chance I have of saving my M.
Look at it this way, if your S life was bad, would you like it if she left a magazine on the table with tips on how to be better? You'd be embarrassed and P'd off.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
She knows that's why you left it up and she resents you for it. I remember another poster writing that he'd read all these relationship books and look for sections he could read to his W to show her what she was doing wrong.
Look at it this way, if your S life was bad, would you like it if she left a magazine on the table with tips on how to be better? You'd be embarrassed and P'd off.
Yeah, the article thing probably wasn't the best move for me to make. I actually thought it might give her some hope since it focuses on how things can improve, even though they might seem hopeless right now...but I can see how she might take it the wrong way. She was very agitated when I asked her about it. Okay, dumb move #1 for etrain.
I did pick up DR this evening...haven't had a chance to read any of it yet. I've been busy with my son. Speaking of...I wonder if my W realizes that, by going out every night to get away from me, she's also getting away from her son. I guess things are so awful for her that the tradeoff is worth it.
Last edited by etrain; 10/01/0901:37 AM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I made the same mistake you did. I made her read the Walk Away Wife article. That was in the first few days. I asked her if it made sense to her and she said yes... but it didn't change anything. I think what everyone on here says is correct, we can't get them to read anything as they then see it as controlling and see it that your trying to tell them they are wrong. In both cases they are offended by that as it makes it look like all of their fault.
Everyones natural instinct is to show the WAS the article because it describes exactly what you are going through... but it always backfires. The temptation is so hard to resist though because in our brains we say "If only she/he read this article, they might understand that this happens to lots of people and it is fixable".
The issue is that they don't see it like that. The WAS is currently in the mode where there is a wall around them which is immune to your input and to a certain degree its there to prevent them having feelings for you at this stage.
Thats the hard thing... all this stuff on here makes sense... but not to the WAS... at this stage anyway.
Cheers
Kiwiman
Last edited by KiwiMan; 10/01/0902:10 AM.
M - 30 WAW - 29 D - 8 S - 5 BOMB - 09/12/09
My Situation - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1842559#Post1842559
...I wonder if my W realizes that, by going out every night to get away from me, she's also getting away from her son. I guess things are so awful for her that the tradeoff is worth it.
The "Going out every night" is a glaring red flag. Are you SURE there isn't an OM in the picture?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You would be amazed how similar. We only lasted 3 sessions with the MC before she cancelled them. I also got that I married him because he was stable and a good provider, in other words, security. My wife too has yet to remember any good times. I have gotten that I am a great father and a good catch from her, but that is all.
Over the last five months, I have worked on all the things that she complained that were the reasons for her feelings:
-Worked too much(I was home by 6:30 every nite). I come home at 5:30 now.
-Didn't make lunches or do homework with the kids enough. I make lunches every night and do homework with all three kids each night now.
-I stopped wanting to go out alot. I had insomnia for the past year. Mainly because I knew something was wrong, didn't know what. Kept trying to get better for her, instead it got worse. Once the bomb was dropped, insomnia went away...Her idea of tough love didn't work. What if I had cancer--would she walk away then as well? During that time, I also sat on the couch too long after I got home from work. Mainly that was because it was two days since I had slept...
-I went to grad school and studied too much 9 years ago. When our kids were born, I never did the laundry.
-When she cancelled our cleaning lady(she was a stay at home mom) I said the toilets had mold in them a couple times and the sink had toothpaste all over. Look, I am a guy. I don't care if the house is dirty. But after three weeks, I made a couple stupid comments. Therefore, I now do laundry and I clean the bathrooms myself.
-All this has brought her self esteem to nothing over the years.
-When we argued, she would scream at the top of her lungs. Say things that would inflict as much pain on me. Run into our room and lock the door and wouldn't talk anymore. The next day, she would act as if everything was fine. I wasn't going to up pandora's box again--that pattern occured regularly every 9 months in our marriage. I will take fault on that as well. We did not communicate well.
Anyway, these are the main reasons she has given me for wanting out of our marriage.
I have made the changes, she has seen them and said you have made them. But why only with the threat of divorce?
It will be a battle to the end if we divorce who moves out of the house first...Rule number one, never leave your house I am told.
By the way: My wife goes out dressed to kill at least 1-2 nights a week and comes home at 3am.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
One more thing. I am controlling with money. So after this happened she finally agreed to pay the bills. Wanted her to see what to do when we spend more than I make. Last two months the visa bill was $5k every month..
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
...I wonder if my W realizes that, by going out every night to get away from me, she's also getting away from her son. I guess things are so awful for her that the tradeoff is worth it.
The "Going out every night" is a glaring red flag. Are you SURE there isn't an OM in the picture?
No, I'm definitely NOT sure. Actually, everything I've read about the things she's been saying/doing points to them being classic red flags of a W who is having an A. As I mentioned, she went out again last night. She was in a much better mood when she got home around 10pm. This morning, she was still in a pretty good mood but actually got sick to her stomach & vomited as we were all getting ready to leave the house. She's been having stomach problems like this for weeks. Part of me thinks it's the guilt that's getting to her.
This is where I'm confused on what to do or not do. I just bought DR last night & haven't read any of it yet so I apologize if this is already covered in the book.
Yes, I do suspect an A. But what should I do?
Do I start spying on her to get more "evidence"? I don't want to push her further away by being an obsessed, jealous husband. I think I already made that mistake when I confronted her about the email exchange I found a couple weeks ago. She suspects that I'm snooping so she's barely using our PC...and when she does she's deleting history, etc...seems to be really covering her tracks. I don't want to be a lunatic about this & start installing keyloggers or GPS tracking devices on her car. That's just not me. But I do want to know whether or not she's involved in an A.
Do I contact her friends/family to see if they can offer any advice? I've actually contemplated this but I know they would immediately tell my W. The friend she supposedly visited last night...or my W's sister...would be the ones I'd most likely contact. But, I don't want her to feel like I'm "checking up on her". Again, that might only make things worse.
Or do I ignore the situation? It's so hard to see her going out all the time & wondering where she's going. This is very difficult & I feel like a complete fool if she is going out & having a PA behind my back while I'm at home watching our son...going out to have sex with another man & then coming home to me & our son...and sleeping in the same bed with me. The thought of that makes me physically ill.
What the heck am I supposed to do? Confronting her with the email didn't work. She denied everything. She's also denied it during MC. Do I need to go on Maury for a lie detector? Seriously, I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to handle this.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Seriously, I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to handle this.