I appreciate the fact that you think that I sound “in control” of myself. At first I laughed at that but then I thought…”No, Gina, you are in control of yourself. Not in the way you want to be but you really are in control”. I have so many ideas, thoughts, scenarios, what-ifs, questions, etc, roaming around in my brain that I feel completely coming part at the seams. I also have so many things that I want to say to H. However, it’s all R related and I’m not supposed to talk about any R related stuff, right? I mean, that’s the deal right? No matter how much I want to say to him “Ok, so what the f* are we doing here. Are you in, out, hanging on to save enough money to move out and then leave at the drop of a hat? Are we going to live like this the rest our lives? You tell me cuz I haven’t a clue what’s going on and I’m just waiting on you. Heck, it’s open enrollment at work this month and I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be getting my own insurance or if you’re keeping me on yours. In light of the fact that you speak about 20 words to me all day, these seem like plausible questions”…I can’t say that, right? Know what I just realized????? I’m really angry. I just reread that and feel the sarcasm and anger in it but I also feel the underlying panic and helplessness too. I don’t sound so in control of myself anymore do I?
I’m traveling overnight on business and called to check on DD who has a really bad cold and double ear infection, etc. He was so quick and cold on the phone. Ya know how we are supposed to be the first ones off the phone or to end a conversation? I don’t get the chance because he just about get’s goodbye out before he hangs up the phone. He just spits out info and hangs up. What do I do with that? He rarely calls me except to ask if we have enough money for him to buy this or that. That’s a long story right there. Believe me, I don’t want him to call me and ask me that question EVER. He’s just completely out of touch with our finances and when I ask him to be a part of our financial life, he just says he doesn’t want to but then blames me for controlling it all. Yeah…whatever.
It’s really hard to do this DB’ing with them in the same house. Sorry if I’m being personal but are you guys sleeping in the same bed? We are. It’s soooooo hard. I want him so bad some nights that I’m almost shaking. He’s my husband and I love him. I still desire him and I’m attracted to him.
BTW…please don’t feel bad about crying. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are going through hell. You cry in hell, it’s allowed…encouraged even. I started crying in Bradley airport tonight when I saw a family going on vacation. My daughter wants to go apple picking. I want to take her but I’m almost certain he won’t want to go as a family. So, I’ll take her alone and have to explain why daddy isn’t going…AGAIN. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to ask him to go according to DB rules. I mean, if it’s my daughter, am I supposed to give him an opportunity to be with us as a family. No, I don’t think so. It’s sort of like being unpredictable….he would NEVER imagine me planning and taking her by myself without including him. But, I know him very, very well and if I did that and didn’t tell him, he would absolutely do that back to me and if we are going to start taking our daughter out separately on different days, that feels too much like visitation.
Oh yeah, and the whole thing about hugging you as a friend. I sometimes get that kind of a hug and it makes me want to puke. It’s so hurtful and I know that when my H says hurtful things, he does it with this smug arrogance that I just simply don’t get.
Have you read a book or heard of the book by Dr. James Dobson..it’s called “Love Must Be Tough”. It’s a very bizarre approach but it seems plausible. It’s all about the idea that you need to let the “caged” partner out. Give them the out and let them know they are free to go by writing this letter to them and he outlines what to say. He says that after that your job is to just GAL and take care of yourself and let the cards fall where they may. It’s got a lot of the DB principals but it says it’s better to just lay the cars out on the table and see what’s what rather than let this slow leak happen. Then the guy BillClay18 that posted above you on this post….he even recommends it. Sometimes I think that’s what I need to do…just tell him to leave….but then…I start to think, like I did on the plane tonight, that will get you what you don’t want..because he will walk..no doubt. He has no money to leave though so it’s a bit more complicated than the average sitch.
So have you decided that if she doesn’t go to retro, it’s over? Have you communicated that to her? I think it’s fair for her to have to give you a decision and answer. I get your reasoning on that. Then again, maybe I’m not the best one to be bouncing it off of. LOL I’m probably the worst DB’er in history. I’m thinking of a Coaching call. It’s ridiculously expensive but I’ve spent more on a few pairs of shoes. LOL
Well, I’m sorry this turned in to a novel. I was just trying to kill time and somehow knowing that you and others will read this and understand gives me a peaceful feeling. Also, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I know the pain of the idea of sharing your child’s activities and Halloween. I’m agonizing over what happens to Halloween when you are divorced. How do you share that? Do you both go? Do you switch years? Does that mean that I would actually NOT go out trick-r-treating w/ her. NO, that would just never happen…NO. I mean, I think of these things. Doesn’t he? No, I don’t think WAW’s think about these things. They aren’t seeing the forest for the trees. They are just thinking of short term fixes. I’m unhappy, so I’ll leave. Hell, I DID IT. I know what they are thinking. I’ll regret that decision for the rest of my life..but I did come back. I was only gone a few weeks at the most and while I was gone, we were still having sex, etc. I was never as detached as he’s become. Well, I could go on forever.
I hope you had a goodnight too Danny. Take care…Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
