How can WAS put themselves before their children?

[Heartbroken20]

well isn't the WAS the one who takes on the victim role first? I mean, they are the ones who ask "why am I going through all this pain" and in some cases, keep it in until they are okay with the decision to walk without talking to their S.

Or at least that's how my W was and is. After her "enlightenment" about how she kept quiet for years when she was unhappy and is now "happy" that she's made a decision to leave, she still doesn't open up. Quite honestly, I have no idea what her reason is for leaving because it seems to change and she can't even keep track.

I've asked her many times before the bomb, "are you alright", "is something bothering you", etc. Every opportunity to talk about issues she had about our M, but she never did. Now she continues to play the victim and blame her unhappiness on me.

Her reason for leaving the family behind was that the kids would be happier when they don't see her being unhappy. WTF? Why is she even unhappy? Oh well. Could just be just my sitch.

It isn't just you, mine is the same. She never wanted to talk about anything when asked. Now she thinks the only way to be happy is to leave. She is also going through MLC and believes the kids will be MUCH better if we split. The kids know she is the one driving the breakup. She has admitted this but still thinks they support her because "why stay with someone if you are unhappy?" Most WAW going through MLC are completely incapable of thinking rationally or even considering others. Their attitude is they have sacrificed themselves for so long, now it is THEIR turn to do something for themselves, regardless of the consequences. PLUS they get ALL kinds of support from their bitter divorced friends who were SO mistreated by their ex-husbands. Now they all get together and make sure she doesn't "backslide" into staying with the man who has committed his heart and his entire life to her. Not that he's perfect, by no means, but they simply can't see that that he is willing to continue working on their relationship to make things better in the future. For them, it is too little , too late. They don't see it is NEVER too late if you don't WANT it to be. Some people don't WANT help, because they prefer to be a "victim" of mistreatment to alleviate their guilt of doing something they KNOW in their hearts is pretty F'd up. It basically comes down to maturity. Some people simply refuse to grow up and accept that marriage takes work on the part of BOTH people. They would rather just get what THEY want/need. Kind of like a teenager whose life is ALL about them and OH SO DRAMATIC! SO...they blame their spouse for their own insecurity, and trump up charges of mistreatment, rather than accept their own shortcomings.

[Bridgestone]

As long as my StBX continued to deny my reality that it

it hurt more to stay, than to go

and argued with it, as some of you have so eloquently done... I stayed gone.

When he could see it through my eyes & understand it ... that is when he was given a chance to fix it.

but as you both have pointed out... not all WAW are the same & you seem to have a good handle on what they are thinking.

Good luck & peace
Bridge

[etrain]

well isn't the WAS the one who takes on the victim role first? I mean, they are the ones who ask "why am I going through all this pain" and in some cases, keep it in until they are okay with the decision to walk without talking to their S.

Or at least that's how my W was and is. After her "enlightenment" about how she kept quiet for years when she was unhappy and is now "happy" that she's made a decision to leave, she still doesn't open up. Quite honestly, I have no idea what her reason is for leaving because it seems to change and she can't even keep track.

I've asked her many times before the bomb, "are you alright", "is something bothering you", etc. Every opportunity to talk about issues she had about our M, but she never did. Now she continues to play the victim and blame her unhappiness on me.

Her reason for leaving the family behind was that the kids would be happier when they don't see her being unhappy. WTF? Why is she even unhappy? Oh well. Could just be just my sitch.

Nope. It's not just your sitch. Mine is almost exactly the same, except my W has also rewritten history and claims to have never been in love with me at all.
I'm new here & I'm honestly shocked to read so many stories that sound just like mine.

[etrain]

Their attitude is they have sacrificed themselves for so long, now it is THEIR turn to do something for themselves, regardless of the consequences. PLUS they get ALL kinds of support from their bitter divorced friends who were SO mistreated by their ex-husbands. Now they all get together and make sure she doesn't "backslide" into staying with the man who has committed his heart and his entire life to her. Not that he's perfect, by no means, but they simply can't see that that he is willing to continue working on their relationship to make things better in the future. For them, it is too little , too late. They don't see it is NEVER too late if you don't WANT it to be. Some people don't WANT help, because they prefer to be a "victim" of mistreatment to alleviate their guilt of doing something they KNOW in their hearts is pretty F'd up. It basically comes down to maturity. Some people simply refuse to grow up and accept that marriage takes work on the part of BOTH people. They would rather just get what THEY want/need. Kind of like a teenager whose life is ALL about them and OH SO DRAMATIC! SO...they blame their spouse for their own insecurity, and trump up charges of mistreatment, rather than accept their own shortcomings.

OMG, it feels like you're writing about my W. Years of sacrifice, getting horrible advice from bitter friends, always being the "victim"...all of it.
It's great to know there are so many people going through the same thing I am. Now if I can only figure out how to make things better.

[alexjadams]

I had another thought, and this time on the topic of WAS putting themselves first.

If any of you have the Mars/Venus book, it might be good to read the bits about 'resentment flu.' I know this was my experience, and I'm pretty sure I've heard it from other WAS around here too.

We spent so long putting everyone else in the family first and we felt like our efforts were taken for granted. We didn't see our spouse or our children thanking us, appreciating us or making an effort to put US first every now and then. We sacrificed sleep, careers, our own interests, our own time and a bajillion and a half of our own preferences.

Finally, even the little bitty stuff started to drive us absolutely crazy.

I like a good, dark roasted coffee but my H hates it so we always drank brown crayon water.

I like gumbo, salsa and other dishes to be spicy (!) but H and kidlet don't, so when I cook I make these things to their taste, not mine.

On movie night, we virtually always watched something that H or kidlet wanted. If I expressed a preference, I often got over-ruled.

Yes, those are so minor that they almost aren't worth mentioning. But if you're already in the place of resenting those things, you've suborned yourself for so long that it's big, it's bad, and it's the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Here's the thing - the resentful WAS is *extremely* complicit in all of this. She/He needs to speak up civilly and proactively and not *allow* her family to walk all over her, take her for granted, etc.

Important note: THE WAS CANNOT SEE THIS AT THAT TIME!!

Other important note: It is highly likely that the WAS *has* been communicating these feelings. Perhaps not clearly, perhaps not in a positive fashion - but if you look, I'll bet they have.

And by and large, they did not feel heard.

So finally the WAS reaches a point where if nobody else is going to put them first or see to their own wants and needs, they're going to do it themselves. In a perfect world, they could do this positively, healthily and within the context of a loving and supportive marriage and family relationship.

But if the family hasn't been hearing them...

If the family has been getting grumpy with the WAS for expressing the feelings or blaming the WAS for having said feelings...

BOOM - they walk.

I'm sorry theses all seem like choices the WAS makes?
Don't WAS think that LBS have felt or feel all or most of these things as well??
I not tring to bash anyone but if the LBS became the WAS first.........i'm just saying

The truth of all this is most of the pain & problems that cause WAS or MLC are created by the WAS in thier own mind & how they view things

I bet anyone if could get a WAS & a LBS to really OPEN UP they will find that they both have the same pains (or common hurts/pains) & that the true fix is THE BOTH OF THEM TAKING TIME TO HEAL EACH OTHER not to run from the problem

what's the old saying about sweeping everything under the rug????

[WalkingMan]

Although WAS's share many common traits (especially with regard to the WAS script), each sitch is a bit different. Sometimes the LBS becomes the WAS, like in my case. I became the WAS when I could no longer stand the abuse, neglect, lies, affair, etc. when my XW was in the rage of being a WAW.

I think a lot of the WAS rationale is self preservation. Not being able to reconcile emotions and actions with what others (or self) see as immoral or irrational. Being in an unhappy sitch for years and not communicating this causes the 'bubble to burst.' YOur marriage should always be number one and it's hard with all of life's distractions (work, children, etc.).

alex, you so right about getting the LBS and WAS together to work things out, but how often does this happen? BOth must want it and it's a long road to get to that point. There must be a commitment and getting that from someone who's in an inwardly focussed mode is very difficult.

[Heartbroken20]

As long as my StBX continued to deny my reality that it

it hurt more to stay, than to go

and argued with it, as some of you have so eloquently done... I stayed gone.

When he could see it through my eyes & understand it ... that is when he was given a chance to fix it.

but as you both have pointed out... not all WAW are the same & you seem to have a good handle on what they are thinking.

Good luck & peace
Bridge

Bridge - I hear you and am not saying that LBS isn't being oblivious to reality through your eyes, sometimes they are. I AM saying that LBS are then usually trying to buckle down and do what they can to rectify the situation for all involved, rather than running away but many times are not even given an HONEST chance to make things better. The WAS simply ignores or rewrites these efforts as still being controlling/suffocating and is then validated by their divorced friends. I AM sorry to see you've been physically abused by your H, and think that IS one of the very few reasons to divorce if the behavior doesn't change. However, I believe many/most of our WAS are exiting out of self-absorbtion due to MLC, chronic insecurity and/or EA/PA, rather than escaping from true abuse. I only wish we LBS's were given an honest chance to change/work on our relationships PRIOR to the WAS completely shutting the door to reconciliation.

[Heartbroken20]

Although WAS's share many common traits (especially with regard to the WAS script), each sitch is a bit different. Sometimes the LBS becomes the WAS, like in my case. I became the WAS when I could no longer stand the abuse, neglect, lies, affair, etc. when my XW was in the rage of being a WAW.

I think a lot of the WAS rationale is self preservation. Not being able to reconcile emotions and actions with what others (or self) see as immoral or irrational. Being in an unhappy sitch for years and not communicating this causes the 'bubble to burst.' YOur marriage should always be number one and it's hard with all of life's distractions (work, children, etc.).

alex, you so right about getting the LBS and WAS together to work things out, but how often does this happen? BOth must want it and it's a long road to get to that point. There must be a commitment and getting that from someone who's in an inwardly focussed mode is very difficult.

SG - Sorry to see that you ended up divorced. You are right on saying it's about self-preservation and that it takes effort from BOTH parties to commit to fixing what's wrong. Many DB principles are based on "if you change your own behavior, the marriage will change" and I think that is true. However, in some cases, the changed behavior simply can not overcome the internal unhappiness of the WAS. That doesn't mean you shouldn't change your behavior, it just means you're not the root cause of the unhappiness. As I go along I'm beginning to realize I can only help ease, not eliminate, my wife's MLC issues. As Michele says in her books, my understanding is regardless of what you do people in MLC have to work through it themselves, and you just have to wait it out without exacerbating the situation. Sometimes they just never come back to reality. Maybe I have that wrong but I am just trying to keep me wife from doing anything drastic, that she will regret later, IF she ever gets to the other side of her MLC.

Lately, she's started to point out all of the people she hears about who got divorced and then remarried later. That's nice, but what's her point? Why go through all of the damage to begin with if she's remaining open to remarrying later? Why not "remarry" before with the start of a "new" marriage using all of the lessons we've learned over the last couple of years and TRULY FORGIVING each other for past words/actions? You're right that is is SO difficult to get that through to someone who is so inwardly focused and sees their actions simply as self-preservation.

I very much understand your finally getting fed up with all of it, I feel that way often, and have considered that she may be trying to do things so I will be the one to leave and relieve her of the guilt she feels for driving all of this. But then I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she just doesn't know WHAT she wants and is just trying to do what she believes is best for all of us in the long run. Despite that benefit, and the immense hurt it causes, I just try to maintain a level-head and take responsibility for my own actions, as I can not control hers, nor majorly affect her feelings at the moment. All I can do is keep my eye on the future and struggle with each obstacle the best way I know how. In the end, it may not work, but at least I will know in my heart that I did everything I could to keep us together.

[Heartbroken20]

[quote=etrain
OMG, it feels like you're writing about my W. Years of sacrifice, getting horrible advice from bitter friends, always being the "victim"...all of it.
It's great to know there are so many people going through the same thing I am. Now if I can only figure out how to make things better.
[/quote]

And THAT!! is the $64,000 question!!!

Sorry for your sitch but glad you found this site etrain. You'll find a lot of help here, or at the very least, some ideas to try in your quest for repairing your marriage. You'll see MANY people in your EXACT situation (or darn close to it!) and hopefully find things that worked for them.

Good luck and start reading!

[WalkingMan]

[quote=Heartbroken20I very much understand your finally getting fed up with all of it, I feel that way often, and have considered that she may be trying to do things so I will be the one to leave and relieve her of the guilt she feels for driving all of this. But then I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she just doesn't know WHAT she wants and is just trying to do what she believes is best for all of us in the long run. Despite that benefit, and the immense hurt it causes, I just try to maintain a level-head and take responsibility for my own actions, as I can not control hers, nor majorly affect her feelings at the moment. All I can do is keep my eye on the future and struggle with each obstacle the best way I know how. In the end, it may not work, but at least I will know in my heart that I did everything I could to keep us together. [/quote]

You seem to have a good approach to you situation, much like I did and still do.
When I signed the papers, my XW was crying and stated that she didn't want to lead me on, but she felt that she wanted to leave the door open in the future. I did agree to leave it open as well, but to be honest with every month that passes the likihood of me being open to a new start with XW goes down.

This is where I beleive the LBS becomes the WAS.