It's MY life now!!!........

[dl443322]

Sweetie, you seem to be losing patience with yourself because you feel the way you do. It is ok for you to be sad.

Maybe its best for you to limit your contact with your h for now. I know for me its best that I dont talk with h at all.

Go easy on yourself, S. You feel what you feel. This is a big thing. This was your partner for many years.

Dont worry about finding love again. Find you. The rest will happen when its supposed to.

HUGS

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, BM.

You're probably right about limiting contact with STBXH. I actually haven't been in contact much in the past week, but then when we do communicate, he is much more chatty than usual. It's nice in a way, but also makes it hurt more in another way. I haven't done any R talk at all, but the urge is there. So, I should probably just cut any conversations off sooner.

But, if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that there's still a piece inside me that thinks that if there is even a remote seed of a chance of renewing our R, it is in these little baby steps he is taking and I don't want to shut that down. But, even more importantly, even if he is only more comfortable talking to me because he finally feels I have let him go and am going to be OK, I still care so deeply for him, and I don't want to just cut him off. (I know, why should I care when he never did....).

It's just hard right now.

I'm actually not so worried about finding love again right now..... I know I really need to do more meditation and really concentrate on being more healthy...... and working at spending some quality time with S18.

((((((hugs)))))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a minor backslide and emotional meltdown today.....

Now on my way to go out dancin' with some friends!

Just keep puttin' one foot in front of the other.....

[peacetoday]

One step forward 2 steps back

hope dancing was fun
Im going tomorrow
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, ((((peace)))).

Yes, I had a great time dancing.....probably going again tonight. I really like East Coast Swing and Hustle. I also like West Coast Swing, but I'm not very confident at it yet.

[peacetoday]

west coast is my worst dance too
im lucky bf is good at it so he tries to teach me..but Im its confusing
Im looking forward to tonight too!!!yay
It relieves so much stress and is really fun
something I never had in my M life --fun
have a good time tonight
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

....something I never had in my M life --fun
....

I can so relate to this statement!! STBXH is a complete workaholic and it was always like pulling teeth getting him to do something recreationally, because he saw it as "unproductive". His idea of relaxing is drinking these days it seems.

I voiced a concern yesterday about his statement of drinking a bottle of wine every night (that was part of my "backslide"). His reply was "We share the bottle."

[Silent Chrleader]

Got into a talk with my kids today about everything. It stemmed from S18 talking about interactions he's had with STBXH's GF. S18 gets along with her......but it really surprised and hurt me when S18 said that he thinks GF actually knows about the affair with secretary and in fact they have all "hung out" together! S18 said that H, GF, H's best friends and their wives (some of whom we were friends with for years), AND Secretary, and her BF (who H told me knows about their "one night" because Secretary told him when I pushed for the STD testing), have all gotten together socially....

I don't know how H can sit in room with GF, Secretary, and BF and feel OK with it. It floors me. I am feeling like the man I loved was truly nothing but a figment of my imagination. He never existed. He just faked it. He really never loved me. He can't have. I just don't think that someone can change their very values so drastically. He isn't and has never been the man I thought he was.

The glimpses I think I see of the beautiful soul I thought he was, are nothing but actions to salve his conscience, and trying to save face for his ego. He doesn't even really care about me at all I think.

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling better today. Hopefully coming out of the tunnel again.

Thank you, ((((BM)))) and ((((sandycay)))), for being there for me last night and this morning and helping me see again that STBXH is really just a morally and emotionally bankrupt individual not worth my pain! I am so very blessed to have friends such as you!!!

And I am so very thankful for my kids. I feel guilty for allowing them to see me in such pain yesterday. I want them to see me as strong and confident, and I don't want them to be "in the middle". But they are adults now and they were both so supportive of me yesterday, especially D25. I am so glad to have a true and honest relationship with them. I want them to know that it's OK to show emotion and that it doesn't mean you're weak. They both assured me they knew this, and told me that though they both love their dad, he is "f'd up" and "not worth it".

I know that I am really so very lucky. I feel like a fool for "wasting" 28 years of my life burying my head in the sand and believing in something that wasn't real...... but to me it was real..... and STBXH will never find another like me, which is a good thing because he wouldn't appreciate her if he did and would just end up hurting her too. He's the fool.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Had a snafu with S18 tonight. Tried to call STBXH for help/support, but he wasn't answering. Left him a ticked-off voice mail (not really nasty, but obviously perturbed). He called back and was really condescending and said he wasn't "obligated" to be available to me anymore, but said that he doesn't deliberately "blow me off" if I call (which I don't believe).

In the end, I did say I was sorry for the anger (which I am), but I also told him that I really felt it disrespectful that he doesn't give me address or phone number. I also told him that I was really coming to see that he never respected me and that he was never the man I thought he was. He of course had nothing to say about that.

We ironed out our issues though and I am moving on. I had a good talk with S18 (I hope). He was apologetic and didn't get angry back at me (which he would have in the past), so I hope that is a step in the right direction. I asked him if he wanted to go live with his Dad and he absolutely didn't want that.....

Onward and, hopefully, upward!