How is your D doing? Have you decided how to approach the possibility of a move with her? What is your H's relationship with the kids like these days?
Tomorrow is D's bday- I can't believe she's gonna be 17. She looks so grown up. (She was born on my MIL's bday, so Mom couldn't say I never gave her anything!) I really don't think she has any idea what is going on, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to talk to her. S18 was unaware that there are any issues, and so I'm sure she is too. If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears.
those of us that are used to 'smoothing' things over so feelings are managed & anger is reduced in the household, not escalated... seem to insulate children of that age from the tension we feel daily.. they are self-absorbed by nature anyways.
I have found since couching my talks about their Dad's abuse & any interactions I have with him as 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' seems to resonate with them and keeps the 'blame' game under control
Example: (after his assault last October) I told my then 14yo D:
Because your Dad & I can not interact right now, in a way that is healthy for both of us, he will not be allowed into my house. and that makes me sad. While I"m sad about that, it's not good to be in situation that is unhealthy so we're getting help.
We're both seeing couneselors to help us learn new behaviours that are healthy & compassionate. I hope that will make a difference soon.
Can you tell me what you understand me to be saying? Do you have any questions?
You may be surprised at what she picks up on.. it's amazing what they teach in school these days about 'healthy & unhealthy' relatinoships.
Stay strong, stay safe. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I thought about this on the way home tonight- When we were first married, I thought H was my Superman- smart, strong, handsome, and selfless. I thought that up until he dropped his bomb on me a few years ago. I know in my heart that he would have stayed my Superman even now, 20 years married- but Superman doesn't hurt anyone. Superman isn't a self-centered child.
I finally asked H why he changed the password on our "couples" profile and not tell me. His response was that it's a paid lifetime membership and he didn't want me deleting the account. That @ss did it because he didn't trust me??? I could have deleted the account months ago when I first told him I wasn't interested but I didn't out of respect for him. It would be a joint decision as to what we did with it, or so I thought. It belonged to both of us. He didn't have the same respect for me, obviously! I know, not a surprise to everybody else.
I am finally starting to feel some anger. I won't let it get the best of me, but I'm starting to feel it.
I am finally starting to feel some anger. I won't let it get the best of me, but I'm starting to feel it.
You do know it is ok to be angry? It really, truly is... I know you've said you've stuffed feelings for a long time... seems like we do that huh? Dealing with theirs & keeping the peace is more important than our own....
I remember having to learn how to even identify basic feelings ... I couldn't even name them it had been so long since I had allowed myself to really acknowledge them outloud. Sadness, joy, fear, contetnment, needing comfort, and of course.. anger.
I hope you can find healthy ways to express it. peace bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I remember having to learn how to even identify basic feelings ... I couldn't even name them it had been so long since I had allowed myself to really acknowledge them outloud.
Wow. Me, too!
And yes, it IS ok to be angry.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I saw this on Won’t Give Up’s thread and burst into tears, and I'm still weepy here:
Quote:
I love you sweetheart with all my heart, now and always!
I forgot how much I craved hearing something like that from my own H. He won’t. “Some things go without saying.” He used to. Maybe he won’t or can’t because he doesn’t feel it anymore. If that’s the case, stop toying with me and just let me know what’s going on. He said he wanted our next MC session pushed back a little further than weekly so that we would have some more to think and talk. He hasn’t said anything about our M since the last appointment.
We did have a money talk though. I think the discussion ended OK, butI don’t think he need to start the way he did. Here’s a few highlights, with the opener: “When I say we need to cut back, you go out of your way to spend more! You see it as a challenge to see what you can get!” H, I’m sorry. My rabbit cage needed to be replaced. If it’s that big a deal, it’s still in the box, I can take it back and wait some more. You said no when I first mentioned it, then you said “Go ahead.” “Because you gave me puppy dog eyes. You do this all the time! I said the same thing this summer and you bought something else- I don't remember what it was now.” I certainly wasn’t aware of any excessive spending on my part. “That’s just it! You’re not aware!” I’m sorry. I’ll take the cage back. “No, don’t do that. Just leave it- doesn’t make sense to return it and buy it again.” So fine, whatever. I’ll make sure to keep it to gas and groceries only this month. I did scale back the plans for D’s b-day this weekend. I guess that helped pacify him too. I think that item that he was bitching about from summer was the new vaccum cleaner. The old one broke and I didn't trust it not to damage the carpets. I'm not sure what else I could have done at that time. I told him before I went to go get it.
Our next appointment is this Thursday- it's when we decide if we're going to continue or not with the M. I'm pretty sure what the answer is. I wanted to try talking to him this weekend since that’s what he said he wanted to do, but I couldn’t find a good time. He had a headache and felt yucky all weekend, and was in a definite “keep away” mode.
I have been doing well at keeping the “no sex" boundary. It’s been almost two months now. When we were having troubles several years ago, I made sure to keep up with the sexual relationship to maintain a connection with H. During a visit to a MC at that time, he said he was just using me to get himself off, not seeing sex as a way to help maintain the marriage. That hurt like he!!. He said something similar a couple of years ago when I was mentioned a lack of reciprocity in certain areas. He said that he was often not concerned about me and was just satisfying himself, which I guess I knew by his actions, but it still felt like a sucker punch to hear. So I guess I shouldn’t feel bad about maintaining my boundary right now. I was having some self-doubts if I was doing the right thing.
He did give our D an inappropriate b-day card. I'm probably going to mention it at the MC. I understand where H was coming from, he was trying to make a joke, but it still wasn't right. D was trying to use duck tape to fix a favorite pair of sneakers a couple of weeks ago, and H found a card with a "trailer park" push up bra, made of duck tape. Inside says "Have an uplifting birthday!" That was so not appropriate. He sees no big deal, and I was shocked. I didn't know about it until he handed it to her.
OK, that’s enough for now. I guess I’ll keep a lookout for a time to talk, unless that was just a stall tactic on his part. Who am I kidding, it probably was. This is going to be a long week.
Sounds like he still does not get just how upset you are about all of this. I would not push back the MC appointment. I would stick to it just like the MC is wanting youto. IF he refuses to go, then that will only show to you, the MC, the IC, and all of us that he is really not into saving this M like you are.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
This appointment will happen on Thursday, it's critical. I don't think the MC is sure that this M can be saved, and I know I can't go on with the M the way it is. I can and will walk if H doesn't agree to his share of the work, it's not all my problem here. If things go poorly on Thursday, expect me to be an absolute mess on Fri/Sat when I'm getting the apartment. You know, I truly dread the thought of hearing him say that he would rather not stay in this marriage. Is that ego or do I still love him?
