Dreams of a New Normal...

[aliveandkicking]

Ya, the image is clear for about 20 seconds...

[aliveandkicking]

In response to my text this morning about just wanting to re-calibrate:

H- Ok. Have a better day today

Then I texted something about the kids.

Then he texted that he's exhausted and "I can't stand this situation hard to sleep although I did sleep" [how f*cking funny is that???]

Then he left me a message inviting me to come to the movies with him and the kids tonight but he knows I probably don't want to.

Then he texted me about some $ stuff.

Then I answered the money text and added, "Have fun with the boys. I'm not gonna make it this time."

He said, "I figured. Totally get it."

What exactly does he think he "gets"???

Anyway, having a good day...just venting here but doing alright.

[aliveandkicking]

Dammit. It just hit me again.

I'm going out tonight with a friend and I'll have fun but why is he contacting me if he has this fabulous girlfriend?

I see no way but out for me. I want to move to another city and start over.

[Thinker]

... but why is he contacting me if he has this fabulous girlfriend?

Because maybe the history with you is more important than he thought...

Because maybe the connection is stronger than he thought...

Because maybe the fabulous girlfriend isn't actually so fabulous...

Because maybe you are F'ing Fabulous yourself...

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks. Apparently he told his mom about his girlfriend yesterday. But he's devastated that he hurt me and he's confused.

I am trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks. Apparently he told his mom about his girlfriend yesterday. But he's devastated that he hurt me and he's confused.

I am trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

Is there any chance his devastation is cover fire for his outing the news about GF?

[Kettricken]

So let him be devastated and confused. You've already done your time with devastated and confused. You don't have to take any of his on. Yet (and maybe I'm completely wrong here) it still sounds like you feel somehow compelled to. Detach, detach.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. Second only to your kids, that's your biggest responbility right now.

[Dudess]

he's devastated that he hurt me and he's confused.

It sounds like he is more concerned with how devastated he is that he hurt you, than how devastated you are that he hurt you.

[aliveandkicking]

Is there any chance his devastation is cover fire for his outing the news about GF?

Yes. Could be that, could be multiple things.

[aliveandkicking]

Well, went out tonight. Had a great time. Got hit on by an adorable guy who I gave my number to.

Of course, more texts from H. I called my mom tonight and told her what's up and that I really want to see a T so I can get my head straight because I'm really struggling. She insisted that she was so impressed with how I'm handling all of this. I told her I really need help.

More texts from H regarding S9 who couldn't sleep tonight because he was scared etc.

H wanted to talk. I said I would try to find a counselor for S9 and we can talk tomorrow. He texted more...how am I doing etc. I finally lost it ( :/)...I called him and I spelled it out for him. He admitted to being selfish and he apologized for not leaving me alone. He said he feels f*cked up and he agreed that he's made a mess but he doesn't know how to get help. HE suggested that maybe we could go in and see someone together. I told him I am going in to see someone myself and if the T is good then maybe H could come in but first I need to deal with me.

I was clear. I am not going to be anyone's second choice. I expressed honestly how perverse it feels that he was playing both of us (me and GF). He finally listened and acknowledged.

We talked about S9 a bit and I said I think he is going through a lot and that even though I think it has much to do with H leaving, it is moot because he is not coming back so we need to just deal with S's issues.

I told H that I cannot have any kind of relationship right now...I have to get myself straightened out.

I do feel better. I am so tired. I'm sad that he's so screwed up. I think he may be help-able based on his willingness to listen and take a little more responsibility (yes, it is just words but even listening has been a struggle for him lately)...I have no illusions about this relationship and its salvageability (or lack there-of).

I hope the guy I met tonight contacts me. Just some attention and stimulating conversation (he's a talented comedic writer).

Thanks for the support here, I need it. Theoretical GF was no where near as gut-wrenchingly painful as real life GF...

But, this is who H is. I can't pin down how this story should end...I can't decide if the prospect of a future with H is better or worse than divorce. I can however digest the truth and love myself a little more...