Scared and need advice

[Teratosa]

Hi LFA,

I haven't posted much, but have been following your sitch for some time. Its kinda similar to mine.

I don't know if I would go with the lawyer that e-mailed you. They all say that because they want the business. I LOVE my lawyer, she has told me several times she thinks we are going to reconcile before this over. But anyway, just make sure you are comfortable with who ever you choose. I made it clear to mine that I did not want a divorce. She has given me advice based on this, and not the "lets get him" attitude most have.

If you get time would you mind popping over to my thread. I just updated it today after not posting anything for over month, so the update is kinda long!

[Calliope]

Hi LFA

Thanks for posting on my thread.. Just checking in on you.. did you decide on a Lawyer yet?

C

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Tera,
I definitely will visit your thread. Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the input.

C, I did decide. I really agonized over it but when that L sent me the "I think you need to decide" email it pretty much made my mind up to go w the other L. Reminded me too much of the emails from my H! So I picked the L I liked the best, am hoping she turns out to be like Tera's L! What I liked about her was her empathy (she asked if I was getting counseling), & when I told her this wasnt' my choice but I needed to protect myself, she was totally no pressure & said, when you ARE READY, call me. My IC advised that deciding on an L might be helpful in that I'll have an advocate when H starts acting up. We talked Friday & she verbally agreed to represent me but of course I need to fill out this 20-page form & send a check for her retainer & then she's officially hired.

Thanks again C for your support & I hope you are doing OK today! :-)

[Calliope]

Thats great, LFA. I hated the idea of needing to get a lawyer, but I am so glad that I did, and am so comfortable with mine too. (she sounds alot like yours)

I'm doing OK. I always have a tough time when he has the boys (yesterday). Its so much easier when I don't have to deal him! I'm actually happy that he has drill this weekend for the army so I don't have to see/talk to him.

Any more contact/pressure from H?

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi C, I read your post today. That is rough, your H sounds difficult to deal with. (aren't they all though lol). I have the opposite problem. I haven't seen H for about 3 weeks, & have had about 2 very brief emails in that time. One was that he was sorry to hear my cousin died (I didn't email him but had sent death notice to our home shared email & he saw it) and another to let me know he was showing the garage apt. For you, it's hard to go dark cause of kids & brings more arguing; for me, it's like there's nothing keeping us in contact so there's zero communication. Makes it easier to detach though, so I guess I should just focus on me & not worry about it.

I know he was over at house too, & didn't let me know because I saw mail brought in. I dont' like that, & L said if H has been gone over 30 days he is trespassing by just coming in uninvited. What bums me out is that he didn't even email to tell me. He usually was in the past. I don't want to bring out the legal big guns for this stuff but guess I could if I wanted. It upsets me, and I feel right now like he hates me. Or doesn't care, which is probably worse.

I think he's mad that I am taking (in his mind) a long time to hire a lawyer, make big life decisions about who gets house, dogs etc. I am trying to use this time to decide if I should move out of our house & get away from all the memories, plus I don't really want this house by myself - it's old & big & has "issues". But if I do seems like I'm giving up on DB, because then there'll really be no reason for any contact whatsoever. :-( Sort of wondering if I'm done, it seems like M is over. I am just keeping on, but wonder if I should be doing something more than going dark. Still working on the GAL. Thanks C, for checking in. You seem to be doing a good job detaching & that's really important. Maybe you can use your "break" from his this weekend to do something nice for you!

[Calliope]

So funny that we have opposite problems, yet regardless, the H's make things difficult for us either way!

I feel the same way about the house thing. I hated that he came on Saturday without telling me. It disturbed my whole day, and I wasnt looking my best . I guess we do have to pick our battles though. I know if I gave him a hard time about that, he would use that as an excuse to not pay half the mortgage!

The common theme with our H's though is their absolute selfishness. They turn our world upside down, and then get frustrated with us when we don't give them their closure at the pace that they want it. I struggle with the house thing too. I love our home, but not the mortgage that comes with it!... I'd love to be closer to my family, but that means I'd be taking the boys further away from their dad. Decisions are easy for them, because they are being so irrational right now. It takes more thought and time to come up with a rational decision Do whats best for you. Don't worry about the pressure from him. And from what I've heard, this DB stuff takes tons of patience!

When he emails, do you respond? When I knew my H would be coming in the house, I'd do things that made him notice. Rearranged the living room, left my bottle of wine and glasses out from the night before. Subtle hints to let him know that I am living my life

[LookingFrAnswers]

Funny, I have been on this board for 3 mos. & have just now figured out how to add the emoticons!!

Thank you Calli for your input. You are so right! I had that happen too, one Sat. a few mos. ago H called that he was on his way to cut the grass, & I was about to bathe dog & looked like crap!

I do reply when he emails, just to whatever he talks about. Then, nothing. Or he'll reply "we have to talk..."

I like your suggestion! My DB coach said to buy flowers, & have them out, and leave an ambiguous note like "call Chris". I know i need to work on me & GAL etc., but I just want to know I did everything I could to save my M. And doing stuff like that is what I can do that is not pursuing. It's like walking a tightrope!

You are such a great mom to put your kids first even though no one could blame you for wanting to be closer to your family. It must be tough with 2 little ones. I hope you are doing OK today & things calm down w H. Thanks for your support!

[PainfulDusk]

Hi LFA, wanted to stop by and say ty for your support and let you know I was thinking about you. 20 page form? ewwww

(((LFA)))

Dusk

[LookingFrAnswers]

Well, I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks, and haven't seen him in at least 3. Friday was my BD & I had plans for dinner w my siblings & some other family members. It was nice & had fun. I was thankful my BD was on a weekday this yr., & not a weekend. Of course I heard nothing from H on my BD, but every milestone or holiday we're apart reality hits me like a brick again. He hasn't been pressuring me, so that's good. But the distance between us seems so far, I feel like i"m losing the battle. Does anyone have any input? I am glad he is not pressuring me, but no contact for such a long time is starting to bring me down. Any comments appreciated as always. Thanks for reading.

Dusk,
Thanks for the hugs. Sounds like you are doing better, keep it up! :-)

[Laurie]

Hi LFA,
I have a question before I have input. What kind of contact did you have 2 weeks ago and what was that like?

(And I am glad that your BD was during the week too! I am also glad your family was there for you!)