New here, this is my story...

[sandi2]

Dear HelpMe, I am so glad that you continue to come here to post about your feelings. I hope you will do that as often as you need to in order to help get you to the next day.....or hour, whatever the case. You have a lot on your plate and are fighing more than what a lot of people do. You must feel so tired b/c of the constant stuggle that you endure all the time.

I worry that saying nothing and just being happy will make her think I have moved on and am okay with this.

Every single person whose S have left or is thinking about leaving feels this same way. They are so desparate to hold on to what's theirs. It seems so opposite of what their heart wants to be doing. DBing is not for weak people.....it takes strength and resolve to face each day and keep giving all you have, and then some more.

I want you to try to picture a woman (your wife) and you have a rope tied around her waist. Picture her in your mind pulling with all her might to get away from you. Then picture yourself as holding onto that rope and pulling back with all your force and preventing her from getting away from you. That is actually what is being played out in this R.

Now, while you have that picture in your mind.....think of what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope. I bet she would be pulling so hard to get out of that strong hold you have until she would almost fall on her face when you dropped that rope! She would stumble and then stop and turn around and look at you....wondering what was going on. Now, see yourself looking away from her and getting busy enjoying something else. Now, she is totally shocked by your actions. As you continue to stay busy, she notices you are laughing and enjoying life. She sees that you are growing as an individual. She sees you playing with the kids and how much they are loving having you in the center of their life. She sees you with friends, family, and new people who you've met and are developing new friendships and doing new activities/hobbies. You are looking really great and she's wondering why you've begin to dress the way you are.....or why you smell so good.......are other women noticing you, etc. She moves in closer to watch you more closely. Yo smile at her and speak, but you are not distracted by her and you just keep on enjoying what you were doing. She tries to get your attention. The more you pull away, the closer she tries to get to you. She discovers that she is attracted to her H and that she really does love him and doesn't want to lose him. Therefore, she begins to flirt with him and win him to her.

How does that picture look now? Pretty good, huh? That is what can happen when you apply DB principles. Right now, you are holding tight to an emotional rope around your W (who is trying hard to get away from you). The harder you try to hold her and keep her from leaving....the harder she'll fight. So, you know what you need to do, right? How do you drop an emotional rope? Let her go. Stop wearing your heart around on your sleeve. Stop acting desparate. Stop showing how sad you feel even though you have to "fake it". Don't watch her. Start showing others your attention. Give your energy to other projects/hobbies/activites/etc. Play with your kids and plan special days with them. Work at your appearance.......she will hear through the grapevine how wonderful you look, act, etc. Until you set her free and she experiences it for herself......she will never want you. You have to be attractive to her and the way you are right now is not attractive to her. I don't say that to put you down, but as a WAW, I know what she's feeling. I know how unattractive my H was when he was doing what you are doing. But if she thinks that you don't want her.....and that you are unavailable to her.....then that is a different story! When you are not pursuing her.....then you become attractive. This may not make any sense to you at all. There may not be any logic to any of this....but you must trust what I am saying. I will not promise that your sife will move back into the MR, but I can tell you that this is the only chance you have. She certainly will not listen to your pleas at trying to convince her to stay. She knows how you feel.....trust me. It won't do any good to try to tell her. Women want what they think they cannot have or the man who does not want them.

You don't want to think about dating right now, and I understand that. But, it has been proven time after time that when there are any feelings left in a person.....that will spring to life when they see another person showing interest in the S they use to have. Human nature!

Please, trust this DB technique. It works. Yes, is hard and it takes time, but it works better than any other technique that I have heard about.....and I've read a lot of stuff out there.

Talk to you later. Take care.

Sandi