Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Huh, just got back from the Doc, and had pretty good news overall.

I have lost 40 pounds since January - Within 15 lbs or so of the ideal weight for my height. I didn't think that would be possible, but I am within striking distance now!!
My cholesterol is down from 230 in January to 205 good cholesterol up!
Physical passed with no issues, Doc actually says I am in good condition physically now, and done a nice job so far.

Felt pretty good to get some good news for a change! Going to keep at it, I want to be as healthy as I can be moving forward, been a blessing to not have too many physical issues anymore..

So, I treated myself to a nice grilled panini chicken sandwich for lunch a nice local place!

[iwantittowork]

Well,

I setup a hair appointment at a salon. Man, that just sounds weird, but I want to do something for me, and get a pro to look at this mop, and see what they can do about it!

I think like SP, I'll call my W, WAW now, to frame her in my mind as that, and not my 'W' Per se. Not sure if that minor distinction will help me detach along the way.

Small negatives:
WAW is on her way to the Co-parenting class for the final session tonight, that's mandated by divorce law here.

I setup our next mediation appointment for Oct 1st...

Small positives:
WAW cried in front of me again after discussing taking SS18 to florida in October for the beginning of his school. It's tough for me to watch that, I want to give her a hug, but know she doesn't want that from me. I just patted her on the shoulder, and said I understand your sad. Made her laugh, as SS18 has a special ring tone for his Mom, and I told her she can make it ring every 10 minutes while he's away. She chuckled at that

WAW cooked dinner while I am working from home, and when it was ready actually called me down to eat with the family. Joked around a little with them all, had a decent meal, and now finishing up some work.

Taking d8 grocery shopping tonight, we seem to have fun doing that together, I try and send her on little 'missions' to get stuff and bring back to the cart, she has fun doing that.

[iwantittowork]

And, the real WAW returns from co-parenting class.. Can't look at me, nor talk to me and has to be in a completely different room..

Oh well, who knows what's on her mind so I reatreated to my room to watch tv and catch some sleep...

[iwantittowork]

You know, I feel that things are slightly improved, and the WAW goes and does something like this morning that totally disgusts me with her and her behavior and thought processes right now.

So, this AM I stay home late as I have an appt with another Attorney to discuss my sitch (The WAW doesn't know this, but I am just getting consultations so I can find a L I like, this is the last one on my list)

I want to say goodbye to d8, and while WAW is getting ready to leave, she brings up what she has decided will happen for Thanksgiving this year.

She is going to New York city to spend the holiday with her Sister. This in itself is not bad, it's the disgusting way she tries to justify to me after saying this.

- That it is best that d8 stay with me for 'stability' and 'continuity' and go with my family for Thanksgiving. Come again? How is a split-up family the best thing for my d8's 'stability' and 'continuity'???

- That ss17 should go with his Father as it may be his aunts last Thanksgiving

- That she would 'rather stay home' but must respect her sisters decision to invite her out for the weekend to the city..

WHAT? This is the same sister that my WAW has been badmouthing to me for the past 14 years of our relationship, and how horrible a person she is, and her boyfriend, so much so that I wind up defending her sister myself at times, as I feel so bad at the way my WAW talks about her?

I would have more respect for my WAW if she would just come out and say 'I want to go party in New York city that weekend' than these 'bogus' justifications that she tried to pass off. What a load of cr*p that is.

I am just totally disgusted with that and her right now..

[Coach]

she brings up what she has decided will happen for Thanksgiving this year.

You need to start leading.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks Coach, that is why I actually chose those words in my sentence.

However, what's the 'lead' here, ultimately, this is probably the way things will go for that Holiday, my d8 with me at my families, as my W has no family here anymore. (Well, other than mine, but she is clear she won't be spending time with them any more..)

I believe your talking about her 'unilateral' decision making, but I am unclear how to approach that, other than objecting to her making the decision on her own without consulting me? I am sure in her mind, her discussion this AM was her 'consulting' with me..

[iwantittowork]

I have not posted in a while, as I have not really been getting anywhere new, but I had a bad night with nightmares about W and got little sleep..

Spent last few days focusing on me, and d8, and been out and about for myself.

I have changed my hair and shaved a goatee I had for 14 years, but those were for me, and about me, trying to shake myself up a bit.

I have barely talked with W in the past 7 days, but that is what she wants, if I come around, she goes into a different room. I have not said or done anything when she does.

On weekends, she gets ready, dressed up and splits in the morning and she is not around all day. I don't say or do anything about that, just mind my own business and take time with my d8.

Thursday is mediation day, and I am having a hard time not focusing on that coming up, but work has been really busy as well, although my fuse is shorter at work lately, and I am trying to manage that, as I know the added stress of work/life is wearing on my nerves.

This AM I stayed late to see d8 before I split for work, and W was upbeat and chuckling about couple of things, so I only stayed for 5 mins of light conversation, and not trying to project why she is so happy...

[iwantittowork]

Boy, the mediator has had to cancel our mediation meeting himself for tomorrow.

I sent the request to my WAW, so she knows that it's not ME postponing this. I was actually getting ramped up to get this meeting over with, and now it's postponed again.

I hope that doesn't push WAW to pursue L action instead. (Trying not to project here, but the thought has crossed my mind lately) but it's not me that is delaying this.

Well, more time to focus on d8 and myself...

[iwantittowork]

I have been dim for couple weeks now, as we get set for Mediation.

As I posted in me earlier post, the mediator canceled today via email due to scheduling conflict, so I forwarded that email direct to WAW, so she would know I was not playing games or anything.

So, she's sent 3 emails tonight, the first one was almost surreal, just saying "Yup. Are you eating here tonight?"

I have been dim at home, and only snacking for dinner, or eating out of sight/mind of her. I had forgotten to thank her for the chicken she left out the other night, so replied later in email, saying thanks for that, and that I would probably be all set for dinner, but if there was something left over I'd snack on it.

She then replied quickly what she was making and there should be some left over.

Then she replied a little bit later asking why mediator had canceled.

I am NOT reading much into this, just the flurry of 3 emails in the span of half hour, and the surreal context of if I would be eating dinner at home in reply to our mediation planning made me want to post..

I am just going to touch on the mediator tonight when I get home, saying it was a scheduling conflict of his (Which is in the email I forwarded to her, but she could have missed that) and that I will get details tomorrow, and maybe lightly thank her for leaving dinner out.

I am trying to stay dim here, and wonder if I should reply at all to some of these?

[iwantittowork]

Whelp, never mind..

Got home and just touched lightly on these subjects in business like manner to make sure what days she had free next week to set date for mediator.

She had also said she was picking up more hours at work, and my d8 tuition would be picked up for free if in the divorce settlement her health insurance will be covered by me.

She was irritated just talking to me about this, so I only asked if she was happy with that change in her work, and her short reply was we'll see how it impacts d8, as it will make her day longer.

Well, it's D train full speed ahead, so I am upstairs in my room in Dim mode.

I just don't know what else to do here...