My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

OMG!!! You are awesome! I am seriously impressed.

Yes, yes, yes...you got it!!!!

I have felt what she feels EXACTLY. But, I came to the conclusion that I will not fight for more custody based on who is at fault but we will determine what bests serves the kids. If it means I lose 50%, that is how it goes.

I personally am considering involving a counselor to make that determination based on our specific sitch and our unique children...I think that would possibly be a good idea for you too.

RSF- I think you nailed it. 10!

[billclay18]

OK Ben...no time like the present. My exW (who incidently had an EA, possible PA) wanted full custody, gave me the old "children belong with their mother" line, I was being vindictive, yada, yada, yada. The simple fact of the matter was I always an equal part of my D's life, possibly more so than my ex due to our schedules. There was simply no way I was going to settle for being a weekend dad. I argued the point for a bit, but realized I was wasting my time. Our lawyers agreed to let it go to mediation. After both making separate arguments to him, he told us we were both terrific parents, that our daughter would be fine with whomever the custodial parent was and STRONGLY advised we settle this ourselves because if we let it go to a judge, it go either way. Within two days we had an agreement in place for shared custody.

You've let your W know where you stand. She may be using what happened in the past to play on your guilt. Don't let it. You have a right to be just as big a part of your kid's life as she does. Don't discuss it with her again, you'll get nowhere. That being said though, be honest with yourself. Was your W a stay at home mom? Was she the primary caregiver? Can you live in close enough proximity to make this feasible? Can you live in your kid's school district? Talk to your lawyer, be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you about your chances of shared custody.

I'll share with you another time about exactly what my ex asked for in the D and what she got. I separated the emotional and business end of it, got the best possible outcome and must say I'm the poster boy for divorced dads.

[RedSoxFan]

Can you live in your kid's school district? Talk to your lawyer, be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you about your chances of shared custody.

The point I didn't get across so well was that W felt that I took a lot from her when I left the family and that time I spend with Ds is taking away from whats rightfully hers. She feels it wouldn't be fair if I had 50/50 custody because I'm taking the kids from her and that is wrong after everything else that I did. I think the point is that she's just really hurt badly and not quite seeing things clearly. She is normally always a fair person especially when kids are involved. I actually saw the conversation as positive because there was 1) revelation of whats really going on underneath and 2) a real human connection for a few minutes.

As for custody, we both basically work from home and offer similar things. We're both great parents. It would just be a knock down drag out fight if either of us chose to not settle with the other.

I have been looking at houses and condos in the kids school district. I hope to find something soon. Our current agreement keeps her in our existing house which she wouldn't be able to afford if we had a balanced and fair custody and alimony agreement. Also means I can only afford low low end

I'll share with you another time about exactly what my ex asked for in the D and what she got. I separated the emotional and business end of it, got the best possible outcome and must say I'm the poster boy for divorced dads.

Look forward to hearing more on that later.

[RedSoxFan]

So I was really happy after my conversation with W yesterday. Not because of more hope, well maybe, but more because there was a human connection with her and that made me feel good. I had a big smile on my face that evening.

D9 called to ask me a question. Ds have been wanting new pets. W finally agreed last evening under the condition that the pets can stay at my place over the weekend. I said yes and my heart once again sunk as I knew this probably meant another weekend away with OM same as weekend before last I told myself that I didn't know what she was doing...could be going away with her parents, getting engaged to him or planning a weekend to end the relationship. No way to know. So I convinced myself that I wasn't going to let it bother me. That I was going to put my time in, do the best that I can and let the chips fall where they will. Went out had some beers with a friend and felt better. Still feel sad but not as bad as the previous time and twice as good as the time before that.

[billclay18]

The point I didn't get across so well was that W felt that I took a lot from her when I left the family and that time I spend with Ds is taking away from whats rightfully hers. She feels it wouldn't be fair if I had 50/50 custody because I'm taking the kids from her and that is wrong after everything else that I did. I think the point is that she's just really hurt badly and not quite seeing things clearly. She is normally always a fair person especially when kids are involved.

Yes, what you did was wrong. Yes, you hurt her. Yes, you took a lot from her. Maybe there was a human connection. None of that has to do with the R you will have with your D's from here on out. Your W won't see it that way which is certainly understandable, but don't let her pain or your guilt lead you to give in on something that will affect your R with your D's for years to come and don't give in on something with the hopes it will bring your W back. You have no control of that. You do however have control of how big a part you are of your D's lives. Don't risk one for the other.

As for custody, we both basically work from home and offer similar things. We're both great parents. It would just be a knock down drag out fight if either of us chose to not settle with the other.

Doesn't need to be...let a mediator handle it.

I'll share with you another time about exactly what my ex asked for in the D and what she got. I separated the emotional and business end of it, got the best possible outcome and must say I'm the poster boy for divorced dads.

Look forward to hearing more on that later.

When my exW filed for D, she wanted full custody of our D11, 20% of my net income in child support (back then around $900/mth), she wanted the house & half my retirement accounts. After we had our custody agreement signed and in place, she still wanted 20% of my income, even though we had 50/50 shared custody and our incomes were relatively close.

I had a great lawyer, did my homework and knew what was fair and right. I compromised on the little things but held my ground on the big issues. Here's how it turned out:

50/50 shared custody
I got the house (paid her $50k to buy her out)
judge awarded me $2500 from HER retirement account (1/2 the difference between mine and hers)
judge awarded her $162/mth in child support

She was greedy (and angry because I spoiled her plan to be with OM)...I was fair...judge saw it that way.

The point is although I still loved my W and wanted to reconcile (for my D's sake if no other), I separated the personal side from the business side and got the best outcome possible short of saving my marriage. I was not going to let myself be screwed in custody or financially by "playing" nice hoping for a marital outcome beyond my control.

Just to let you know...my exW and I have a great relationship today. Not quite friends, but no animosity. I also have a good relationship with her boyfriend. He's great to my D11 and my exW seems to be happy with him, which is good for my D11.

[RedSoxFan]

All,

I need some guidance. After walking out on W and while currently staying distant and detaching, I want to not make her feel vulnerable, insecure or abandoned financially but I also want to be fair to me. Currently I am giving W about 1/3 of my net income which essentially covers mortgage on the house. We both have decent incomes mine is a bit higher.

Our email exchange today

W: Is there any chance you could pay half of the [kids activity fee ] deposit that is due October 15? I had to pay the kids school fees this month too and put lunch money in their acounts.

RSF: Sure, how much? Can we sit down and do some financial planning this weekend or early next week? My finances are really tight and I don’t have much wiggle room. I need to plan.

W: That's okay. I'll just put in on my credit card. I'm not sure how to do any financial planning at this point. i have my regular bills plus anything that comes up with dance, school and doctors.

So what should I do here? She probably feels horrible about having to ask me. But I'm also covering a lot of costs outside the 1/3 of my income I'm sending over. How do I get to a place that works for both of us without making her feel bad.

Planning would be easy if we were together

If we're not going to be together long-term then our lives cant continue as-is under the current financial arrangements. I can imagine any pressure about this would make her feel very resentful of me for leaving. It's really hard to know what to do. I feel like I'm being held hostage. I know that sounds lame and whinie since I caused the mess.

[billclay18]

Ben,

You left (stupid, selfish, hurtful, etc.), but you realized that and wanted to reconcile. She doesn't...therefore any financial hardship you both face is as much because of her choices as yours. She choose to move on with her life, she choose not to take you back. Fine, her decision and maybe best for her in the long run, but that decision, justifiable as it may be, comes with a cost.

My W left and I'm struggling big time financially (as I'm sure she is). This was not my choice. However, if my W suddenly wanted to reconcile and I said no, than my continuing financial struggles would be by my choice. I'm not implying couples should stay together for financial reasons...just saying financial struggles go with the territory.

Provide whatever additional $$$ you can afford to...if you can't...so be it. You need some quality of life as do your D's when they are with you.

[aliveandkicking]

If we're not going to be together long-term then our lives cant continue as-is under the current financial arrangements. I can imagine any pressure about this would make her feel very resentful of me for leaving. It's really hard to know what to do. I feel like I'm being held hostage. I know that sounds lame and whinie since I caused the mess.

Oh my, this is a hot one for me. Everyone on the board talks about the WAWs dealing with the financial ramifications of their decision to leave/divorce but really I'm eventually probably going to get hit just as hard as if I had walked away, had an affair etc because I have been so dependent for so long.

My sad and empathetic self wants to say you should suffer and take at least some of the hit. My objective self thinks divorce is divorce and sucks, you should be fair and honest but still take care of yourself.

My sitch may be different because I have been primary care giver for so long. I think you should consider what the arrangement was prior to your leaving and what it has been since (a year sets a precedence)...why would what you have lived with for a year no longer be acceptable? Just as she has to learn to not make it about the two of you and your drama, you need to as well (I know that is why you are posting and you are cognizant of that). But, why should it change now, other than that she has refused your offer to reconcile?

Overall, divorce (at least in my state) is a very cut and dry mathematical and logistical process. Fairness may or may not be accounted for. Go see a L, actually two. See what you are theoretically entitled to (varies depending on the L so get a rough idea)...and work from that.

[aliveandkicking]

You left (stupid, selfish, hurtful, etc.), but you realized that and wanted to reconcile. She doesn't...therefore any financial hardship you both face is as much because of her choices as yours.

You really believe that?

[billclay18]

I just don't want RSF screwing himself for years to come because of guilt he feels due to the poor decisions he's made in the past. Divorce sucks, regardless of fault or cause, everyone suffers financially. They have both seemed to manage OK this past year...why are things harder now?