so you know Tristan, I'm sure my h felt guilt and pain many times I'm not aware of, or so I think. Can't let that into our hearts, except from the point of view of compassion for them. Don't get dark b/c she is, but be aware.
At Retrovaille, rather unexpectedly, my h began to cry really hard and was so ashamed and remorseful about who he had hurt (ie. me and our children and his R's with our d's need some serious repair work). I ached for him as well but when I look back, I had told him at the time that this damage would happen. No matter, I'm not saying "look, I was right!" I'm saying there's some amnesia and you have to stay in the now, and sometimes all you can do is cry with them, and help them heal their damaged R's without taking responsibility for it. Your w will have to get well and do what she can to not inflict pain on others every time she has some of her own.
Oh, I told an LBSer W friend of mine about H's "moment of truth" and she asked me if I then "reminded him of how long he had been hurting us" and all the damage he had done and crap he put us through. WTH? THEN?? I was shocked that she thought I should rub salt in his wounds. He was already crying (2nd time in 3 decades) and not asking me for anything. My gf wanted to punish, and guess what? That gf is still an LBSer and I think she always will be.
Forgiving the WAS and letting go of our pain is something we all have to do -but I never saw it growing up. It's a learned skill, believe me. The real work is only starting my friend. But the work is not sheer drudgery either. But that thing about forgiving and letting go...every successful marriage includes forgiveness somewhere along the way.
It will be essential. For now though, you have enough on your plate. Good luck, and see what you can attend or learn in the meantime so you don't reconcile without any new tools. Wherever you get the tools, get them...in fact, maybe try at least one session with a DB coach about Piecing? Just a thought. Again, good luck J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
