Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

Well, It will be five months on October 1st that my H became a WAH and moved out of state. Sadly, October 2 will be our 10 year wedding anniversary. We should be celebrating that milestone of a decade of marriage together but unfortunately that wont be happening. I don't know if I should acknowledge the day or not. He probably wont. Then on October 6 is my birthday. I might go out to dinner with my girls and other family members, maybe a movie.

I have started school and so far so good. The medical terms class is challenging and fun at the same time. The weather has turned chilly here and soon enough winter will be here. Months with limited sun can take a toll on my mood. The holidays are coming and I need to stay upbeat for my girls. They are still getting used to H not being around. He will probably come stay with us for a week during Christmas.

I still find myself thinking about all the signs that our marriage was failing over the years and that he was checking out emotionally. My sitch has not changed really. H calls us every two or three days. I am cordial and I ask how he is doing. He doesn't return the sentiment. We share a few laughs about the kids but never any relationship talk. Most of the time he goes silent in between conversations. I just recently got a facebook. He has had one for awhile and I do go on there everyday to see who he is friends with. Mostly women. His profile is private and I am not one of his friends so I can't see his profile and he can't see mine. I have not requested to be friends with him either (this would probably be considered as pursuing.) Anyways, he must have typed in my name or e-mail to see if I had a facebook and when he saw that I did, he sent me a message containing a funny and scary video off of YouTube. When I acknowledged the video he sent me (in a playful way) he went totally silent. Didn't say "glad you like it" or "it was scary, wasn't it?". Nothing. I just moved on to another topic. If he didnt want me to mention it, why did he send it? Doesn't make sense to me but none of this does.

Every time that H comes to visit, he uses my laptop (a x-mas gift that he gave me in 2007) And every time that he leaves, I check my computer history. The last two times after he left, I checked it and he just looked at his e-mail and facebook. This time, he erased the history before he left. I somehow managed to retrieve part of the history anyways and saw where he looked at facebook friends (girls) and then a video on youtube of a girl with see thru pants on, shaking her rump to a song. Whatever. I guess he doesn't want me to know that he looks at that kind of stuff but I know he does (H is a butt man.) Still, that is not an excuse and if he wants to look at that stuff then watch it on his own computer at his house. Not mine. If he wanted to look at a nice booty while he was here, he should have looked at mine. I didn't mention it to him. Wondering if I should if he does it again next time when he visits.

Other than that, I am still on the limbo train headed to nowhere at this particular time.