We have been married for 20 years and in Feb 09 she left me, taking our two youngest childeren with her; we have three. At first I was conflicted, our relationship was awful and we were not intimate any longer. I love my kids and miss them everyday but I did not miss my marriage until the end of June 09. I would see her all the time, she would collect her mail and visit the cats.
At the end of June, I realized that I wanted her in my life, so I pursued her - big mistake. This was a mistake only because I pursued her out of weakness, please come back I love and miss you etc. This was all true but that's not going to make her want to come back and it didn't. Come back to what? The same relationship, the same passive/agreesive behavior and the neglect that she felt. I know this now but did not then. I wanted answers and demanded them so I got them - am not in love with you, I have moved on you need to move on, I am happy now. These were very difficlut words to hear - so much so I had to see a doctor for the the depression it caused. I was a basket case I could not think , eat or sleep I was literally pacing and pulling my hair out. I had a lot of energy even on the medication so I started to read a lot! Also, I started seeing a therapist.
During my pursuit of her I did admit to my part in ruining our marriage. We actually cried together about it; again weakness. I think she heard me but, I think, she thought I was pitiful but sincere. I did ask for her forgiveness, but she could not at that time. At this point, I decided to never talk about our past again, unless she brought it up and then only briefly.
Things are much better now, I am now 30 pounds lighter and quit smoking. My wife and I are freinds again, better than when we were living together. I owe this to all the reading I have done and the changes I have made in my life. There are many things that I have done but I think the biggest one was to stop my defensive behavior. I learned how to listen to her and not get bent out of shape about what I thought she was saying. I also think she let me love her again regadless of what she said.
I found this site because I have really worked hard to make myself a better person and focused on being a better husband and father. I now feel drained, and need some new ideas on how to keep it going so that I do not give up. Loving her is easy but I feel like I am giving and giving and the thought of it not working out is starting to creep into my mind more and more. Although if I take stock on far we have come I can say we have made progress. I know I need more from this relationship, I fell like I am in limbo. Now what?
