I love you (Philia Love) but I am not in love (eros) with you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That's so subjective too though. I wonder how often the infamous ILYBINILWY is nothing more than code for, "I'm not getting my needs met in this relationship."
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I love you (Philia Love) but I am not in love (eros) with you.
Yep -- and the "eros" love toward a spouse is physiologically blocked when one is in an affair with someone else. The brain is simply awash in PEAs (love chemicals), something that even shows up on CAT scans, amazingly.
I love you (Philia Love) but I am not in love (eros) with you.
yeah, yeah. that phrase--it's a cop out, a way to continue to look like a good guy. as in, I don't want to look like a real creep by saying I don't love you any more, we'll just pretend I still enjoy your company/want the best for you. meanwhile I'm going out and acting on my hormonal impulses with somebody I like better now. it doesn't really mean a thing!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
My own problem is this and I don't mean to hijack your thread SP but it seems to be similar, after playing LBS for a while and then becoming WAS when the tables turned, my excitement is gone, I feel like I'm going through the motions and I'm trying but I find it difficult. I've owned my part in all my own relationship issues (or I've tried to at any rate) but I find it so easy to want to walk now, to quit. How do you give that person the chance and be true to them about that chance, how do you get excited again. When you get so used to disappointment, you remember the rejection, the problems, the hard work and all the effort that went into this, something new & different is so much more appealing and attractive than working at something that hasn't been anything like that in such a long time and when the dynamic in the relationship changes and the original WAS is now trying to make amends, trading spots with them makes me feel what they must have felt originally: this is too hard, so much time has been wasted on this, is it really worth it, why am I doubting this all of a sudden when I wanted it for so long, why am I disappointed when I look at them, why do I have such a long list of everything they've done wrong, why can't I attribute value to all the good things my spouse is doing, when they slip why do I feel like quitting and walking away so easily?
Is it just me, did/is anyone else experience/ing these feelings when things turn/ed around?
Am I just being crusty after all of this crap has happened and because I now have more control in the relationship am I attributing less value to it and that's why I don't want it as much anymore. There are days when I want it to work but there seem to be more days now that I don't want it to work. I'm just being honest with these feelings, maybe it's too early to tell what any of this means.
Crusty? No.
You're tired of paying the freight. You've done your part. It's time for someone else to do some work. But you can't live your life depending on what someone else is going to do. Keeping a distance is healthy.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
yes maybe that is it, I'm tired of "paying the freight", I want someone else to do the work and she is doing some work but I get tired of the great effort one day and the half-assed effort the next and maybe my expectations are too high and I'm unknowingly adding more pressure to this situation as necessary. Maybe I've succumbed to this idea of wanting to feel good all the time, maybe from her point of view she is really trying hard and maybe she is and her trying hard is not good enough because now I'm angry at her for this whole process so maybe no matter what she does, it won't be good enough for me, it's possible, wow what a winding rant, I feel like I'm driving down a highway with so many exits popping up in front of me: do I get off here? how about this one, do I get off here? Why do I feel the need to exit now after all the time I originally invested in trying to get back on?
Rob, I felt what you feel, last year. I had some long posts about it, saying how then I understood how my stxH felt when I tried to appeal to his AGAPI, logic, etc etc...
It is so much easier to start fresh with someone new. But I have the feeling the reward of choosing to stick to the "old" and bringing back all those loving feelings, cant compare with anything... K
Your last post sounds like me thinking in better English...
I don't you sound crusty at all, rob. You sound tired. You sound like a man who tuned everything up to level eleven to address a threat and now that the threat has receeded and you've got things (more or less) flowing your way, all the pain and anger you squished down (because experiencing those emotions fully would take resources required elsewhere) is rising to the surface. Just like anyone in any crisis who holds it together until the crisis point passes and then falls comprehensively apart. I think it sounds like a very normal human reaction .... maybe even a natural and necessary part of this process ... but not necessarily an indication that it's not worth it to persist.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
