Verbal Abuse

[iwantittowork]

I had not seen this thread lg193, or I would have replied.

I agree, and I have read those books that you mentioned, and I admit, and have admitted to W, C, L, and on this website, to being emotionally and verbally abusive in this manner. Much like you said I had thought it meant being an SOB and screaming/yelling as well.

Read SpyBunny's thread, you can see this in her H clearly, and I was no where near as bad as her H has been to her. I even admitted in her thread to doing these things in my Sitch.

I am committed to making the changes in myself from now forward. That has actually helped me hold on during this time, still living with my W while she has checked out of the marriage.

Along the journey so far, and I don't want to minimize the destruction to my marriage from this behavior, but at any given time in most peoples relationship, there is manipulation and types of emotional 'abuse' on both sides.

Not every 'silent treatment' is from one side of an relationship, and sometimes things like that are not directed at a spouse, but lack of communication can create 'abusive' situations where there are none.

I think there are subtle and not so subtle lines, and labeling everything as 'abusive' is often overkill.

Here is a situation in my sitch, overall how do you think it effected me?

I had never been someone who wanted to be 'married' I just wanted to be with someone I loved, for the rest of my life, I always have stated that through my life as well. I had taken Marriage as a 'religous' ceremony, and not placed any importance on it myself, not being a 'religous' person in the least.

I have been with my current W for 14 years now, and about 5 years ago, my W came to me and said: "If we don't get married soon, I'll have to start looking elsewhere"

At the time I was devastated, but then took it to mean, she really thought Marriage was important to her, so I was happy afterward, to make her happy and thought I was doing that.

However, throughout the last few years, that always bugged me, and now as I look at it, would you label what she said to me as abusive? I do now, as it was a pure manipulation on her part to get me to do what she wanted, and she has admitted that was a manipulation on her part.

Again, I don't discount the damage I caused, as I see so many times now that the things I did were centered from the self, and those are the things I must work on to address.

I also believe that when we finally 'get' the fact that we have been abusive, we can go far overboard in our interpretations of our past actions and label everything we have done as 'abusive' when I know that is not the case now. Keeping a clear eye on yourself and your behaviors, and where they come from is key to keeping moving forward I believe.

Good luck to you, Hope to keep in touch with other people working through this as well!