And don't be fooled by what goes on the first few days. My W barely spoke to me after I went dark for a couple of weeks. I was thinking this must be so easy for her. When we finally did speak, I found out that it was just as hard (if not harder) on her than it was me. Don't try to mind-read. Seriously, do you really think you can figure out what is going through her head right now
During the time I was dark, I found this board very helpful. If I wanted to say something to W; I put up here instead. It's like a journal that offers advice and support.
Good to know. Thanks for sharing.
Once she moves out, I can't imagine doing anything other than going dark.
I think she wants me to actually "be a part of it." I want to be understanding, but this just seems like a little too much.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
At least you are in the same house. Harder to go dark but you also get the opportunity to see what works and what doesn't.
After mine moves out tomorrow, I am going JofF's route and go as dark as possible. Limit communication to the kids, limit the exchange, etc.....if nothing else to help detach for peace of mind.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
At least you are in the same house. Harder to go dark but you also get the opportunity to see what works and what doesn't.
After mine moves out tomorrow, I am going JofF's route and go as dark as possible. Limit communication to the kids, limit the exchange, etc.....if nothing else to help detach for peace of mind.
I do't see how you could do otherwise.
My W said at one time that she wanted me to be involved. WTF? You want me to come and help you pick out paint colors?
If it helped, I would muster up the strength to make muself do it (or go numb enough enough to get through it), but I don't think it will. I don't want to act like this OK.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
That is tough spot....do you be cool and nice and help out. Be a part of that...maybe she'll remember you when she sees that color? Or do you detach and be dark, tell her you're not interested.
This is where I get torn....which is the better route for me long term? My plan is to not set foot into her apt.
She is so hard headed she wouldn't ask for help last night moving mattresses and other heavy things. She dropped one on her foot but did not ask for help. I probably would have if she would have asked. But she didn't so I just gave the kids their bath.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
As hard as it may be, I try to stay away from helping in anyway with them moving out or building the new life. She is not asking you to help because she knows it is not fair, plus she probably wants to prove she can do it herself. So let her do it.
Mine did ask if I wanted to go to her place and help arrange things. I believe my response was to politely say "I would rather not." She accepted that with something like "I understand."
Recently she asked what I didn't like about her place after I said she could stay at our home, but I wouldn't stay over there. I said something similiar to "This is our home. This is where we belong." And she nodded. I was never mean about it, I just stated what was going through my mind.
My boundary is "If we are going to be a family. I want it to be between 2 parents committed to each other and living under 1 roof." I don't want to go to something that is halfway in between. I find that position pretty easy to defend. Now I do go over to her place and hang out every once in a while now, but it wasn't until she made concessions that she wanted to work on the marriage again.
Me: Self. W is going through a really confusing, hard time. She needs to you be understanding and supportive. If you love her you will worry more about what is best for her. Added bonus, this will keep me involved with her life and help to paint me in a nicer light in her eyes.
AND.........
Me: It's me again, self. WTF? She wants to be independent, let her be independent. Draw a line. Don't let yourself be treated disrespectfully. Let her see what "independence" is really like. Have fun moving the couch upstairs with your feaking GF. I will not condone this. She will not get my blessing.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
