Since years ago I came very close to being a WAW (no affair though) I wish I could give some helpful advice but not sure if I can. I knew the grass wasn't greener but just so burnt out that kids, house, and a full-time career were all on my plate....(wanted to be a sahm but H financially undermined that option....think a lot of my end of the marriage mistakes came from resenting this). He was escaping to staying up late, tv, computer, and porn. So I felt like a single mom most of the time. My home was a wreck, budget was a wreck, work was horrible because I didn't want to be there... barely had energy to take care of the kids. So I'm being judged by friends and family as a bad wife & mother(most of them never guessing I wanted to me a sahm)....whereas he looks like a rose because he changes diapers sometimes.
I can't speak for every walk away wife but I almost gave up because instead of working as a team to fix our problems he minimized the exhustion and pressure I was under...and emotionally abandoned me to his escapes when I needed him most.
Oh wait.....that's pretty much what he's doing to me again....someone please remind me why I want to save this marriage? LOL
I've been feeling that way at times. I'm going to read DR, change my behavior, change my life...all in hopes that the W who recently said she NEVER loved me (and is possibly having an A) will change her mind. I understand that the concepts in DR will make me a better person, M or not...just saying that those thoughts do creep into my head now & then. Like right now, for example.
Last edited by etrain; 09/30/0905:38 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I have 7,9,11 year old sons. They overheard their mother tell me last week that she just doesn't want to be married anymore for the 10th time in five months..They cried for an hour about us getting a divorce. It is hell on them. You have to wonder how a human being can do that to their kids...But they do.
It is easy to say, focus on the kids, but try. I try to spend every minute I am home engaged with them. Football practice, homework, making lunches for school..whatever you can. I won't lie. My hope is that she sees the value in staying together. Not for the kids sake(that won't be healthy for you or the kids) but for you. That they see that you are a good guy. That is worth trying. I firmly believe love is a choice. They did love you once. It can happen again...I am getting to the end of my rope. You are just starting the journey...
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
By the way: I got from my Wife--I don't think I ever loved you. I haven't loved for 5 years, then I must have loved you because I married you. Then it went to--I only married you because you are the first guy my father approved of....
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
d1adsl5a...Our stories are SO similar. At MC yesterday, I got...I married you because I was looking for security. The MC asked her if I was the only person who could'be provided that security. My W said..I guess not. Then the MC asked why she married me if others could've given her that same security. Her answer...I don't know. I picked him. She couldn't come up with ONE nice thing to say as a reason why she married me. Meh.
She won't even smile or laugh if she IS feeling happy. She said she's keeping it inside so I don't see her smiling or looking happy & think everything is fine. That's what she told the MC when I brought up the unfriendly tone & looks she's giving me. The MC tried to explain that I realize everything is NOT fine & it's okay for her to express her emotions but who knows if any of it sunk in.
And I am trying to focus on my son..spending a TON of time with him. (I always have.) My W knows I'm a wonderful father & has said as much in MC. Yet she is still looking to break up our family. I'm not sure I'll EVER understand what's going through her head.
Last edited by etrain; 09/30/0906:28 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Guys, For someone that heard it all before and made it on the otherside, I want you to know things can change. Work on yourself being the great person you are and can be. Remember do not believe anything they say, they are trying to justify their decisions. One way to stop their plans is for them to see the new you.
By the way, I also got, "The only good thing that came from this marriage is the two boys" "I never had fun with you" "I don't know why I ever married you" "I hate you so much, I pretend your head is in front of me during kickboxing"
So, things can change from all of this madness, remember that. Patience!
dburt...How did the changes come about? Did you S for a while? Did your W actually file for D? I know all situations are different but I don't see how our R can get back on track once we're no longer living under the same roof. Maybe I'm dead wrong thinking that way. I don't know. It's just so hard to be optimistic right now.:(
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I know all situations are different but I don't see how our R can get back on track once we're no longer living under the same roof.
My W and I separated at the beginning of this year, and she was having a long distance A. Not a great situation, to be sure. However, something unexpected happened. As we lived apart, and as her A forced us to be emotional away from each other for many months, our dysfunctional R dissolved. We had been locked in a vicious cycle of resentment and disappointment for many years, and that cycle was broken. To my amazement, I started to just enjoy my W for who she is, the woman I met all those years ago. She started showing me how much she liked me too. I don't know if our M will survive, but we are nicer to each other now than we've been in a long time, we communicate better, and we truly enjoy each other's company. In my case, I believe our S is actually giving us a fighting chance at saving our M. I wish we had S years ago, I told my W that, and she totally agreed.
So don't think S is the end of your R. It may be the end of your old M, but it just might be the start of something newer and better.
In my case, I believe our S is actually giving us a fighting chance at saving our M. I wish we had S years ago, I told my W that, and she totally agreed.
So don't think S is the end of your R. It may be the end of your old M, but it just might be the start of something newer and better.
If I had to put odds down today, I'm 80 percent sure we are heading for a D. But I will agree that in our case a S was necessary and will turn out to be the only chance we have of saving the M.
I was working harder and harder to keep us together, but everything I was doing was pushing her more and more away.
It wasn't until we S that I went to marriage classes and learned the myriad little ways I was making her unhappy.
She knows I'm working on these and we had one good talk a month ago where she said she was grateful I realized the breakup wasn't all her fault.
Still, her heart may have hardened too much towards me. My only chance is to continue to improve myself and hope time and space will give her a chance to forgive my past faults and try again.
The hardest part is realizing the future of the M is 100 percent in her hands. I can work and work and work but it may be in vain for this relationship. At least I know I'll be better prepared for the next one.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
