K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

.....
thanks
Kevin says:
no prob. You know I will always give you the best advice I can
W says:
yes. thnks

Any thoughts?

Kevin

Kevin,
Yes, since you asked....here are my thoughts.

You say too much, with little substantive content, and then you over analyze it to death. This was not a "serious or heavy" conversation.

Instead of merely validating her analysis and moving on....you had to throw in the slight against the sil in a family that is already very divided. It was not needed or helpful if you are trying to project a positive image. Instead, you jumped in with a crummy remark about her sil "not even paying", then you reminded your wife of her own financial woes for some reason (Maybe she'll come back to you b/c she's broke??) and then at the end, you complimented yourself about giving the "Best advice" you can... Seriously, Kevin, Who gives crappy advice intentionally? No one. What was the goal there? Were you fishing for compliments or hoping she'd say another word of "THANKS" to you? For some reason you see great meaning in that word from her. I don't. It's just basic civility. I'm Sorry but that's how I see it.

Do you simply not understand the concept of detachment? Or do you just refuse to do it? I think it's a refusal...It's all over your past threads where a dozen people have explained it to you or referred you to sites that discuss it. By now, you must understand it.

I think you simply don't want your life filled with anything but thoughts/obsessions about her, which detachment would require and after a year here, you're still behaving the same way. Your mind is filled with longing for her even when she doesn't treat you very well. The only difference I can see, is that you post long unrelated scriptural passages here, when you are confronted too much about being a doormat or how her behaviors are not respectful, or how you are mishandling something. Too bad.
(Okay, here comes the red print---)
You prolong the whole situation by refusing to detach. You actually hurt your chances of a reconciliation by needing to be around her so much and hanging onto every single tiny, meaningless conversation.

Hard to imagine you thought this was significant conversation, and it's just sad that you do. You gloss over (or don't mention anymore) her other references to the looming divorce, her lack of comment about any future together....oh - and her dating other men...and then hungrily snap up the crumbs of an ordinary conversation in which she complains about your d's not having fun with their grandma on her birthday...(& it crosses no one mind that you are also being excluded...?)

Detach or stay stuck forever. If you think detaching means giving up, you have completely missed the point. If you think detaching hurts your chances of a later ounce of respect from her, and the possibility of a reconciliation, you have totally missed the point.

IF you think detaching is mean or nasty, then you still don't understand it. If you think detaching means you have to GAL...THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND IT BUT REFUSE TO DO IT...or you don't know how. Which is why I've said 100 times to get some professional counselling.

Most people in your situation would have changed their behaviors by now. They'd have done serious inner work on themselves--inner work. They would not respond to comments like these with incredibly long passages from scripture, in an attempt to "one up" the posters as if you "win" points by not responding to what we say - but talking about God.

Most people would not put their heads in the sand while proclaiming that "God will take of this so I don't have to change!! I don't want to change or become an independent or strong man...I want to keep needing her and needing her and projecting my neediness b/c God will take care of this and I won't have to work on ME!" That's how your scriptural passages strike me. Not attractive, and usually they are non sequiturs....(that's Latin for "doesn't follow" b/c they're almost always not related to what the person said and yet you use it as a "response"...but it is not responsive. Change would be responsive to our comments, OR admitting you don't want to change. The biblical quotes often strike me as very odd, when the context is either right out of the blue, or just after someone tells you to detach or GAL...)

FaithfulH, sandi2, brandnewday, safflie, and I are just a few who have restored our M's but you won't even listen to us. (Not to say that others don't have anything to offer but we've ALL said at some point in the past,) that you must detach. Why on earth won't you?
You have actually done very little in terms of new behaviors. Your w sees that. She is unmoved.

You're stuck, and apparently you are content with where you are. IF you weren't content, or at least comfortable enough in your "she's not divorcing me this week" mode, you would do something different. You would take advice that is deep, instead of a few superficial tasks. So I have to assume that this life of yours is good enough for you. Must be. Maybe someday getting better will be a priority in your life.

so those are my thoughts.
j-

PS what plans have YOU made for the holidays?