I had my appointment last night with the IC, and I am amazed how helpful it has been to see her in conjunction with the MC. I think I have a game plan now, so I have calmed down in that regard, but I still feel like a mess. Like so many others here, I can’t believe what my marriage has come down to.
My IC had a discussion with the MC on Monday after I had requested that he contact her. She assured me last night that the MC totally “gets it” as to what is going on in our M. He can tell that I have done a lot of hard work in the last few months- he is not blind to H’s abusive behaviors, and was actually was a bit concerned that the IC was encouraging me to stay in the M even if I shouldn’t be. She told him that she was supporting me in my decision to make sure I have tried everything in my power to make this M work, so that when I leave, I can close the door on it relatively peacefully. They are both on the same page that the goal is the health and welfare of each of us, and if the M can be saved in the process, great- if not, I at least have to take care of myself. The chances of the M being saved at this point are practically nil for me- next Thursday is the “are we going to make it or break it” appointment. I’m not signing anything until after that, most likely that Sat., 10/10 with a possession date of 10/14. She also suggested informing H of the move out date and itemization of what I’m taking ahead of time, and that the MC could help us with that.
I also discussed H’s infidelity with the IC lat night. She is amazed by my lack of reaction to it. She said she had two new clients in the day prior, both of whom were dealing with cheating husbands, and they were falling apart. I informed her I found out about H’s cheating at the tail end of He!! Night, and I was already beyond broken emotionally by then- the cheating just got added to the sh!t pile I was already dealing with. A few years later, I finally asked him a few things about it- up until then, all I knew was that they were both co-workers. I never asked their names, but rather if I had met them previously, if they had been to any of our parties, are they still working at Big Corp, does H have any contact with them at work, was anyone else there aware of what had gone on? The answer was “no” on all accounts. I still wasn’t angry at that point, and I guess I’m still not dealing with that part of it. I know I’m going to have a big torrent of emotions to deal with at some point.
While I was home yesterday, I downloaded paystubs, tax returns, account numbers and passwords, etc. I was hoping to do the digital pics also but there are just way too many, I’m going to have to figure something else out for those- maybe one of those external hard drives. Then I had this kick in the @ss- I was also organizing some old papers and discovered some old love letters that H wrote me 21 years ago. I forgot that I had stashed them in that drawer. We were newly engaged when he wrote them and he was commuting from NE Ohio to a job in NJ. There is no way I could ever imagine him saying those things again. He was such a different person back then- warm, affectionate, caring. He developed a really hard edge over the years- my family has noticed and commented on his changes over the years.
That’s it for now, and thanks for listening. I’ll let you know how it goes next week. This is going to be a looonnng week until then!
