My days like that are around the corner. She plans on having all of her stuff out of the house on Thursday. I know tonight is the last night she will spend in our house. Feels like the end but of what I don't know.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
I made sure I didn't go straight home after work yesterday. I just know I would have been clingy and needy. I tried to time my arrival home just in time to see S off to bed.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine along the lines of "I could go completely dark and W would never pursue me." Then wouldn't you know it...she called me when I was on my way home. Ironic.
Of course, she had a reason to call. She wanted me to pick up something from the store...then she kept me on the phone for another 20-30 minutes. It was nice. I could tell she WANTED to talk to me.
That's different.
When I got home, I went through the bed time routine with S and noticed W standing the door watching with a little smile.
I offered no hugs, etc. I was just friendly and upbeat. I asked about her day and went to "my" room to watch TV. No pursuing by either of us. Not much said, good or bad. Just comfortable really. She slept in "her" room again.
S was in "her" room (I wish I could bulldoze just that part of my house) this morning. He goes in there after he wakes up most mornings. I went in there to give S a hug before I left. I gave W a hug too from behind. I left the room and she called me back for another hug so she could hug me back.
There was as odd exchange about the dishes in the dishwasher before I walked out the door, but otherwise it seems positive.
I'm still not talking about her moving, asking about her search for a new house etc.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I have to admit, it is strange thinking that she can occasionally sleep with me, kiss me, act passionate with me (my opinion), hug me, call me...yet can't discuss our relationship and wants to leave.
I want to kick her a@# and call her and tell her I love her at the same time.
I think that I caught a touch of crazy from her when we were together the other night.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine along the lines of "I could go completely dark and W would never pursue me." Then wouldn't you know it...she called me when I was on my way home. Ironic.
I think this is your key, EB. When you feel W wouldn't pursue you if you went dark - you might be wrong. REmind yourself that the DB techniques are counter-intuitive. I would back way off (easier said than done - I totally relate to what you fear, I do that too) and don't let your fear stop you. Give her a month of way more distance and silence than you usually give her. I don't think for you the issue is "giving her a taste of what she is missing" any more. You've done that, she's still moving out. I think it's time to try something more radical and see if she notices. I think being way less available is the road you should take right now and see if it works. Even if you are afraid she won't pursue you. Don't knock it until you try it.
Not to mention, she sounds like the more she walks toward moving out, the more she is also physical with you. That means she actually may be moving toward you as a reaction to separation. If you aren't so available she may get thrown off and actually pursue. Try it! We're here to support you and get you through it!
Disclaimer - this is also hard for me - so we can support each other!
And don't be fooled by what goes on the first few days. My W barely spoke to me after I went dark for a couple of weeks. I was thinking this must be so easy for her. When we finally did speak, I found out that it was just as hard (if not harder) on her than it was me. Don't try to mind-read. Seriously, do you really think you can figure out what is going through her head right now
During the time I was dark, I found this board very helpful. If I wanted to say something to W; I put up here instead. It's like a journal that offers advice and support.
I agree with Tristan - I went a month of dark, communicated twice with the kids, had W drop kids off outside instead of coming in with them. Didn't hear a peep from her.
The end of the month was my birthday, and she called me, and got diarrhea of the mouth - probably talked on and on for an hour, I think I may have said 5 words, then I interrupted because I had to eat breakfast. After that, she started calling me every day, texting, emailing, sending pictures, coming over, and so on.
Can't promise that'll be your experience - but your W is allowing hugs! Mine would've punched me (or anyone) in the eye!
Can't promise that'll be your experience - but your W is allowing hugs! Mine would've punched me (or anyone) in the eye!
We've just gotten back to hugging. We've been all over the map this past year.
We used to E-mail back and forth, text or call at least a couple of times each day. I used to come straight home from work 99% of the time and we would spend the evenings together.
I haven't been "dark" lately, but I have been making sure to give space, especially after we have been close. I thought that it was telling that the girl who I never thought would come to me kind of has been a couple of times recently. I was gone or busy most of the weekend...she slept with me Sunday. I was out all day yesterday...she called.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
