I think it's a little of both, and some of it is FOO-related and probably couldn't have been avoided anyway, only minimized. My wife went from living with her parents to marrying me and living with me, and her own Love Language profile shows she has a very high need to feel "taken care of" and secure. I think when you COMBINE this context and background with what I felt I needed to do to aggressively bust up her affair, and the strong boundaries that I insisted upon, I think it FED INTO that whole "father-daughter" dynamic and we then had some (and still DO have some) serious work to do as "husband-wife."
If you ask her (and I have), she will tell you that she very much respected the stand I took, that it made her feel loved and that she "mattered" to me. But she also agreed with me when I observed recently that in many ways ours had evolved into more of a father-daughter relationship than a husband-wife one, and even told me "That's EXACTLY what my IC said!"
I've had this conversation, at some length, with 25MLC; I don't think "shame" should EVER be used to try to bust up an affair and then to reconcile. And it's a fine line between "shame" and "holding up a boundary" and insisting on fidelity and even holiness in our marriage relationship.
I think the breakthrough for us came when I began to open up more and share my own shortcomings with her, and the Christian example of "no sin is greater than another" and "we've ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Self-confessing some of my own weaknesses, sometimes seriously and sometimes through self-deprecating humor, and showing a more humble spirit toward my wife's shortcomings, has made a huge difference, and I THINK that's what Oldtimer is referring to.
