I should have said I didn't want my opining to be a distraction from what I would assume your goal is - finding the best balance of yourself, the best relationship, if any, with your W, and so on.
I can be allowed to rant a little, I agree with begging the question as to why the marriage rate is so high. One person I feel epitomizes the true value and meaning of marriage is Britney Spears, Esq. - she of the 55-hour Las Vegas nuptials. Seriously, if this is the evidence of a modern society, have we really evolved past arranged marriages? Have we really evolved past the early 20th century marriages where you spot a pretty girl, call on her for tea, and ask her dad for marriage?
My point about modern day thinking being so selfish is this: there are no moral boundaries anymore to randomly sleeping with people, living together, etc. If you have an arranged marriage, and hate your spouse, that could be understood. If you had a guy "call on you for tea", and you get married on a wink and a smile, that could be understood. But what is the excuse now? Again, to me, it boils down to literally pure selfishness. Maybe that WAS the cause in 1929 as you quoted, but it seems to me that people have every opportunity to walk into marriage with their eyes wide open, and yet we still have the WAS pouring in by the dozens... Why is it that now people even live together for several years before getting married, and STILL end up getting divorced?
The pastor in my church won't marry a couple unless they've had a minimum of 6 monthly or bi-weekly counseling sessions - in essence, forcing them to wait an additional 3 months at minimum, and people get furious at him for "making them wait". Sheesh.
To me, the problem is not marriage or divorce, it's people, and self-absorption. I get nauseated when I hear, "You complete me." That's the PROBLEM! You should be a complete person in yourself - if you are only 70%, how can you give a spouse 100%? I understand no one is perfect, and no one ever will be, but still.
Finally, back to you, SP, you sound like you are exactly where I am.
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and at the end of the day frankly I'd rather have WAW be xW and sound in mind, body, and spirit than have her be piecing-W and still carrying all this stuff around.
To me, this is a sign of emotional and relational maturity - obviously not where we started. I am doing the right thing because I respect my vows, and believe a man is only as good as his word - but I see now that W is carrying around what you so accurately described as "junk", and at this point in time, she is not interested in releasing it, as a matter of fact, she wallows in it.
Although you may be a little wow-ed by Mrs. SP's frenetic anger, perhaps it is palliative to know that she at least realizes it, and is attempting to deal with it!
I believe when you can release the frenzied "I-must-save-my-marriage" feelings, and can stand back and realize that your spouse is in a bad place, and be OK with either letting that go, or waiting until she/he gets through it, I feel like you've made it to a good place. Then, your spouse will benefit from you being more relaxed in knowing what's going on, and being able to focus on YOU - wait, is that DETACHING!?!?!
