Apparently I told my friend that I'm afraid that I'll miss some sort of opportunity (she's on the phone with me)...it is just a feeling, not logical.
Perhaps, I might get more information, more understanding, more connection if I'm here for him now.
I wondered if it wasn't something like that. You might sit with that emotion for awhile and give yourself permission to not feel that obligation......
Forgive me if I'm out of line, but it sounds like you are weighing your need for some space against his need to keep the emotional hose hooked up to you (I'm trying not to interpret his motives here, but it just kinda sounds like, ".....ping ..... you still there, AK? .... ping .... just checking ..... ping......I made myself a little vulnerable; are you still there .... ping ....") In any event, it sounds like for some reason your heart inclines toward letting his needs trump your needs. Why?
Hell, if you are in a place where you have the emotional fortitude to continue the conversation, go for it. But you sounded a bit fraught earlier, and still kinda do ... so make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, not just because you are responding to a fear that you're going to miss the golden ticket moment if you're not "perfect".
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Reading your story from last night, I had the overall impression that you were still trying to fix him. He is screwed up and has problems, and if he tells them to you, you will be his personal therapist and make him all better. But if you are not going to be his wife, that's not your role anymore. Why fix him for her? Or, if not her, then the next woman.
Do you want to be available to him, for yourself, regardless of the potential cost to you in terms of the progress you've made?
In other words, do the benefits outweigh the price?
If yes, respond; if no, ignore.
(Thought experiment -- if Rock Star Girlfriend had dumped him or wasn't responding to him in the way he wants, to whom would he turn for that salve his ego so clearly needs?)
I did not respond. I woke up this morning to a text that said "I guess I can understand if you don't want to talk to me."
I answered, perhaps too impulsively, that I was physically and mentally exhausted and that I need to re-calibrate and then we can talk.
What I feel is trapped. I don't have a win situation here. I still, after all of these months, "want my family together," but the brutal reality is miles away from that being even reasonably fathomable. When he left years ago, my DB (without the actual DB influence) was "get him back." It simply cannot be that now and I know it.
So, what do I want? I want to even see what it might entail for keeping my family together to be a reasonable goal...but, that requires considering him and what he is doing and making some requests of him. And that is contrary to me just focusing on myself exclusively.
I hope that makes sense, that is my conflict and the truth.
You are forgetting the other side of the paradox - Hope.
Why do you think considering others and making requests of others is not focusing on yourself? Boundaries, no expectations and detachment keep this healthy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I cannot ignore the evidence. I want to determine what my requirements are/would be to continue any kind of relationship with H. I don't mind making the requests and setting boundaries...I also feel like I'm training an old dog here.
MC, mediator, Retrovaille...my own plan...I'm trying to determine how best to get this R on a healthy track or if it should be on any track at all.
I did not respond. I woke up this morning to a text that said "I guess I can understand if you don't want to talk to me."
I answered, perhaps too impulsively, that I was physically and mentally exhausted and that I need to re-calibrate and then we can talk.
What I feel is trapped. I don't have a win situation here. I still, after all of these months, "want my family together," but the brutal reality is miles away from that being even reasonably fathomable. When he left years ago, my DB (without the actual DB influence) was "get him back." It simply cannot be that now and I know it.
So, what do I want? I want to even see what it might entail for keeping my family together to be a reasonable goal...but, that requires considering him and what he is doing and making some requests of him. And that is contrary to me just focusing on myself exclusively.
I hope that makes sense, that is my conflict and the truth.
I see two parallel journeys that will happen no matter what any of us do.
1) The first one is your journey to peace, health and happiness and that must happen independent of H. Period. You cannot get there until you release yourself from the dependency on him. It doesn't work if you release from him but cling to the family thing. Keeping the family together is so important but we can't be successful partners or participants in our families until we're whole as individuals.
2) The second journey is H's. Its going to happen along side yours. You have no control over it whatsoever.
There are and will be periodic touch points between his journey and yours but you can't let them disrupt your journey. At some point there may be opportunities for reconciliation. At some point you may decide you don't want to regardless. Completing your journey will offer you to access those options. Resist the temptation to feel like you're failing the kids or that you're taking away their shot at a whole family. This is the path that will deliver for them.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
"Hi. I haven't forgotten about you. Just taking a few days to think things over. Talk soon."
---
You can't see the reflection of the moon if the water is moving and full of waves. When the water stills, the image is clear.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
