I did not respond. I woke up this morning to a text that said "I guess I can understand if you don't want to talk to me."
I answered, perhaps too impulsively, that I was physically and mentally exhausted and that I need to re-calibrate and then we can talk.
What I feel is trapped. I don't have a win situation here. I still, after all of these months, "want my family together," but the brutal reality is miles away from that being even reasonably fathomable. When he left years ago, my DB (without the actual DB influence) was "get him back." It simply cannot be that now and I know it.
So, what do I want? I want to even see what it might entail for keeping my family together to be a reasonable goal...but, that requires considering him and what he is doing and making some requests of him. And that is contrary to me just focusing on myself exclusively.
I hope that makes sense, that is my conflict and the truth.
