My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[billclay18]

I'm not thinking about her as much and definitely not OM. That's not to say I've processed or dealt with anything. If I do think about it too much I am right back into sadness, hurt and anger. If I feel myself going there I divert.

Good, that's a step in the right direction. It's all about you now, not her.

Knowing her as i do, and mind reading, I assume that she believes I'm punishing her for her asking for us to move forward with disillusion.

You have no way of knowing this...mind reading...we're all guilty of it, but it serves no purpose. How are you punishing her...by giving her what she wants???

I haven't heard anything about disillusion paperwork so we'll see where that goes. If it's just templated stuff she should be able to get it in my hands quickly. I'm setting myself up to expect it.

I'm in the same sitch (see my thread)...sent the paperwork last week at W's request and haven't heard anything . Is no news good news? Anybody's guess. It's out of my hands now...and it's actually a relief.

[RedSoxFan]

You have no way of knowing this...mind reading...we're all guilty of it, but it serves no purpose. How are you punishing her...by giving her what she wants???

Not in terms of agreeing to disillusion, I'm talking about going dark, shutting down unnecessary communications. I'm fairly sure she thinks I'm doing that in response to her request so she's doubling it up on her end. ie she thinks I agreed and am being a baby about it by limiting communication. Not a big deal but that's probably her assumption.

I'm in the same sitch (see my thread)...sent the paperwork last week at W's request and haven't heard anything . Is no news good news? Anybody's guess. It's out of my hands now...and it's actually a relief.

I hear you. I've been looking in on your thread. I feel a bit relieved this week as well. Thanks for checking in.

[billclay18]

You have no way of knowing this...mind reading...we're all guilty of it, but it serves no purpose. How are you punishing her...by giving her what she wants???

Not in terms of agreeing to disillusion, I'm talking about going dark, shutting down unnecessary communications. I'm fairly sure she thinks I'm doing that in response to her request so she's doubling it up on her end. ie she thinks I agreed and am being a baby about it by limiting communication. Not a big deal but that's probably her assumption.

Maybe you're right...so what? She will think what she'll think. But are YOU doing better since you've backed off and limited communication? Sounds like you are. Isn't that the point?

I haven't spoken a word to my W in a month. I find myself at times, like you, mind reading, trying to figure out if she's wondering why that is? Is it affecting her? Does she miss me at all? Doesn't matter because I'm doing better by not talking to her. I have no control what she thinks about it or whether it affects her at all.

[RedSoxFan]

You have no way of knowing this...mind reading...we're all guilty of it, but it serves no purpose. How are you punishing her...by giving her what she wants???

Not in terms of agreeing to disillusion, I'm talking about going dark, shutting down unnecessary communications. I'm fairly sure she thinks I'm doing that in response to her request so she's doubling it up on her end. ie she thinks I agreed and am being a baby about it by limiting communication. Not a big deal but that's probably her assumption.

Maybe you're right...so what? She will think what she'll think. But are YOU doing better since you've backed off and limited communication? Sounds like you are. Isn't that the point?

I haven't spoken a word to my W in a month. I find myself at times, like you, mind reading, trying to figure out if she's wondering why that is? Is it affecting her? Does she miss me at all? Doesn't matter because I'm doing better by not talking to her. I have no control what she thinks about it or whether it affects her at all.

yeah, I get what you're saying and mostly agree with you. I'm doing good and I'll be fine. No two ways about that. There are and will be ups and downs. Still, I don't view DBing as purely passive, one-sided activity. In other words, we don't just go off and take care of ourselves and then wake up with a new life that either does or doesn't include our Ws. There are steps along the way. I think we'd all agree that I have been focusing on minutia when I should be pulling out and working more from a 10,000 foot view point. As I read the many many sitchs on the forum, being observant and appropriately responsive at the right times seems to be a key factor in success...oh, and, time ;-)

[billclay18]

I think we'd all agree that I have been focusing on minutia when I should be pulling out and working more from a 10,000 foot view point. As I read the many many sitchs on the forum, being observant and appropriately responsive at the right times seems to be a key factor in success...oh, and, time ;-)

Yep! Letting go and time are our allies. I don't what will happen in my sitch, but my W was bound and determined she wanted a D. It's 3-1/2 months later and neither of us has filed. What does that mean? Maybe nothing, but letting go, giving her time and space hasn't made things worse so far.

[Butterfly1]

To be free all the monkey has to do is let go of the nut.

Another way to see it is - the S is the nut! They are nutty. Let go, we may feel hungry for a while, but we'll be free.

[Stronger]

Do you mean disSOLUTION? Or are you talking about beind dis-illusioned?

DisSOLUTION of marriage-divorce
Disillusioned--not really in touch with reality...lala land.
i'm confused.

[RedSoxFan]

Do you mean disSOLUTION? Or are you talking about beind dis-illusioned?

DisSOLUTION of marriage-divorce
Disillusioned--not really in touch with reality...lala land.
i'm confused.

HA! Dissolution, as in dissolution of marriage

I type fast a rely on spell check.

[RedSoxFan]

Just had an interesting call with W. We scheduled a call to plan and talk about D14 related issues. The conversation moved into some of the stress and anxiety that the kids are dealing with, how hectic their schedules are, etc. I brought up that I really want to be doing more and be more involved with the kids. I suggested there is no reason I cant be doing homework with one, whatever and that they could be staying with me during the week, etc., etc. The conversation went round and round for a while but was very civil and without stress. What surfaced was really interesting or at least it felt good to me that it surfaced.

My position is that I am 50% of the parents and intend to fulfill that responsibility. Her position is that the kids should have one home and one custodial parent. I've told her that I will insist on 50/50 parenting rights, custody, etc. if we divorce. We got into the argument about whats best for the kids, why I take my position and why she takes hers. I suggested to her that she has already made up her mind and is just finding supporting arguments to fortify her case. That if we put the kids' needs first her argument wasn't strong.

Then it all came out....she feels that I'm trying to take the kids from her and it isn't fair. I assured her I wasn't and she went on to explain that because I walked out of the marriage that it wasn't fair for her to be without the kids for any time at all. Especially not 50% of the time.

The conversation continued for some time. She shared with me how I had taken so many things away from her already. Her marriage, her family, her dreams, her future as she knew it, her ability to trust, and now I was trying to take away her kids. I assured her that my intentions were good and that if I could give our kids both parents 100% of the time that would be my choice but short of that each parent 50% of the time was a good thing for them. I told her again that I was sorry for the past and that I would do anything to change the past but I can't and what matters is what we do from today forward. We had to hangup but agreed to think more about the parental sharing stuff.

I just thought it was such a good conversation in that she shared a lot with me. Its so hard when you see what someone has gone through, you love them so much and yet you can't do anything to make it right. Obviously trust in me is impossible for her right now. I can't help but believe that the door is still open just a little bit. Maybe there is hope. I guess the other good thing is I didn't cross any lines, that I know of. I was probably close to breaking the rules but I didn't ask her back I didn't grovel or beg, I didn't ask her to trust me again, give me another chance, etc.

[billclay18]

Ben the school teacher,

Heard the same thing from my ex-W and there is some merit to your W's side, however I have 50/50 shared custody and it's worked out great. Don't have time to add more now, but I will later.