She certainly seems confused. Has she always been like this or just since the OM came along? Maybe she doesn't know how to get rid of him, but she has to do that before reconciliation with you. She doesn't seem to have a problem telling you to get out or that it's none of your business about OM. So, some of that may be cake eating....IDK.
One way for her to make up her mind is for you to move on and to get out and start dating. I would suggest that you be very careful not to get into anything serious since you still have feelings for your W. The point of seeing others would be to "wake her up". I don't usually suggest this when people are still legally M, but it seems to be what works in the nature of people. If she still loves you, then she will be jealous of you seeing other women. She need not know any details, just that you are dating. That should make her either go to you with a final decision to reconcile (and kick OM out once and for all), or she will move on with OM. Either way, I would think you need to know and not keep yourself upset by her flip flopping attitude. If it is hormonal, then her doctor should be able to detect the problem and help her. She almost sounds bipolar.
I think you are doing the right thing. It is strange how we tend to let ourselves gp "down" in a MR, and then when we find ourselves single we start to look better. I don't understand it unless we unkowingly are trying to attract somebody else. I'm sure your W notices your improvements and wonders why you did not do that while in the M with her. Anyway, keep doing what works.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W said the same thing last night....she is noticing all of my improvements and my confidence level and wondered where it has been the past few months. They notice...trust me. Sometimes they just may not tell you.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Her mother made a comment to me (back when she was leading me on with the depression lie) that she thought she was bipolar. I never know which person I'm going to talk to. She was married once before, and walked out after a few months. No one, not even her parents know why. One of her good friends (well maybe not so good anymore since she started hitting on every guy her friend was interested in, and who has been talking to me a lot lately) said that her first husband was supposedly a great guy. I my W early on what happened with her first marriage, and she would never tell me, or just be real vague. I think she would have left me sooner if it wasn't for the kids. But hard to tell. I still have the email she sent me May 08 where she says I'm the best husband, and that she could never see herself by happy with anyone else. Of course when the affair came out, she's suddenly been unhappy for years.
When I had started dating someone, I was under the mind frame that it was over, and was moving on with my life. Everything was going well. (then W started the R talks, and I felt like I was using this person) We only had one official date, but we were talking everyday and had been planning future ones. She doesn't live near us, so I don't think my W has any idea that I had dated. That's why I thought maybe her friend could "spill the beans", but I don't want to use her. Although I think she'd do it. She's still a bit mad because the W was using her when her affair started, claiming she was out with her, etc. Her friend was very upset about that.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
She hasn't said a thing to me or verbally noticed anything, unless I don't answer the phone. She's either been arrogant, or throws the idea of reconcilation around (her words). No compliments except for the statement about it being nice to spend time with me.
I always dressed nice when we went out, but it's different now. I do shave almost daily which I didn't before, because she liked the scruffy look.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
I believe you have done a wonderful job. You are not being needy and you are taking care of YOU.
This is my current belief (remember that beliefs change over time):
You need to project that you are happy with or without her. You need to show empathy, patience, and forgiveness. You need to have boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Projecting the ideal man she will be loosing is important. People want what they can't have. I have many non sexual relationships with women now. Almost every time MsR2C see's me, I am with a different woman and they are enjoying my company. My happiness, confidence and all the things I learned as part of my personal growth draw women to me. These things will draw your W back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I would bet money she did indeed know about you dating someone else. Look at the timing: you date someone else, she wants you back, you stop dating someone else, she doesn't know if she wants to reconcile. Trust us, she does notice your changes but she won't say anything for quite some time.
Follow sandi and R2C's advice: do what works. Taking care of yourself, moving on with your life, dating other people will be good for you and will make her rethink what she's doing. I understand if you don't want to hurt someone else in this process so either keep the dating casual or just go out and be around other women in a platonic way (a la R2C).
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I think I'm just tired of the whole thing. I hear about the other men, that's plural....I don't think the person I married exists anymore. I'm also very worried for my daughter. She's only five, but if her mother continues down this path, I'm afraid she'll think it's ok to act like that.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
Started chatting again with the woman I had previously dated. She's been divorced before and knows what I'm going thru (minus the cheating part, but she did reconcile with her ex only to end up divorced), so we've never lost touch. We met thru friends on Facebook, and just sort of hit it off. I know I'm happier when I talk with her. She lives an hour away, which gets me a little nervous. I'm just going to go with the flow. No expectations of a serious relationship.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
EJohn, it concerns me when I hear statements from LBS like you made in your last post. I believe you need to move on with your life and drop the rope you have tied to your W......but you sound so vulnerable that it scares me! You said, "no expectations of a serious R", but that is not what I'm really hearing. Maybe it's just me. I hope so. But what concerns me is how you are being "dependent" on this female friend b/c she makes you feel happier. That can be an ego food trap. I know b/c I fell into that trap myself. It's called an EA.
Why can't people just go out to dinner or a movie or something? Why do they have to immediately start talking about a R? You haven't even got through one week of not grieving over your M, so you do not need to consider any other R.......just think about being out there dating more than one person. That is still legal, isn't it?
I have seen many D people go straight from their D spouse to one other serious R without even seeing different people. That screams "rebound" all over it. Please do not allow this to happen in your situation b/c you will find yourself in a very unhappy mess. Tell the woman you want to be friends and go out together but that you can't think about just seeing one person or getting serious for a long, long time. If she is what she ought to be, then that won't run her off.....and she'll appreciate you for saying that. But, if she's just looking for any man to be a H, then yeah, she probably won't wait around long. But is that what you really want in a woman? I know both of us are talking "what if", and that IMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why can't people just go out to dinner or a movie or something? Why do they have to immediately start talking about a R? You haven't even got through one week of not grieving over your M, so you do not need to consider any other R.......just think about being out there dating more than one person. That is still legal, isn't it?
That's essentially what I meant, to be able to hang out with someone with no expectations, just have fun. She knows where I'm at and I've already told her that I'm not ready to date.
Vulnerable, yes to a point I suppose. I wouldn't say I was dependent for an ego boost, she more or less takes my mind off the situation. But I can see how it could be viewed that way. When we had first gone out on a date, a few months back, I had thought at the time that the M was completely over, no chance of survival. W was pushing for divorce, and making it no secret she was with someone else, and I, at the time, didn't want her back, excepted the inevitable. I had dropped the rope and wanted nothing more to do with her, until she started with the short lived reconciliation talks.
I haven't heard one word from W, except for kid issues, since I told her she could talk to me after she gets rid of the OM, which she claimed she was going to do. They work together, so there's just no chance of things getting better unless she really wants it to.
My biggest issue is I still don't know if I want her back.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
