Is this the start of detachment? Or some stage in dealing with these MLC-ers or WAS-ers? I'm starting to feel really different about the whole separation and kinda about my whole life in general. I feel like that guy from the Office Space movie who walked around after his hypnosis just letting everything roll off his back - no worries. I'm not sure I really care what happens or if we stay together.
I've made plenty of mistakes in our marriage and I want to keep up the changes in behavior for myself....but also I am beginning to see that the big "Separation" isn't hardly different than the supposed "Marriage" was. H has been building that wall and pushing me away for so, so long....I guess the fact that we still had great sex once in awhile fooled me into thinking that at some point something would improve. It kept me on trying to work on the marriage even though he just sat there with his walls growing ever higher - pushing me away with no affection, masterbating daily but not respecting my high sex drive, some porn of course, treating me like I was constantly on his case even though I'd scaled back on trying to discuss our problems to about once a month, and breaking my trust because he'd say he couldn't read my mind so I'd specifically tell him what I needed...then he would go to use that information against me to do the opposite! (Yes, folks there is more!...but won't drag on - you get the idea.)
Is it any wonder that I found it hard to appreciate him or treat him like the hero that a husband wants to be treated like?!? When was I ever treated as a wife? What I've realized is that so many of my expectations of marriage were very,very normal and pretty basic but he made me feel like I was abnormal and overly demanding.
I wonder if cutting off sex is just some escalation of the game he's been playing with me for years? I don't want to think so negative but maybe he's relying on me trying to go out of my way to fix things ...with me not "on his back" and having no expectations of him, he's been awful happy lately and showing no signs of trying to move out of the house - even stated that he had no specific plans in mind. When we had problems in the past I never left him and always did my part and more to try to make things work even though I was unhappy & lonely and came very close to being a Walk-away-wife myself. But I stayed because of the children and because I loved him.
I have to thank him at least for the lessons I've learned in how men communicate and think if I get married again I'll be a much sweeter wife and also one who won't put up with all I've put up with here....but he's opened a bigger can of worms than he's realized if he thinks I'm going to put all this effort into our relationship anymore. I think there will be some "R" talks coming up in the near future but not ones with the purpose of trying to carefully save anything - if this R is over anyway then I'm going to speak out on my feelings as I feel like it. I'm going to do whatever I feel guided by God to do.
I really feel like no matter what happens God is telling me that I and my kids are going to be okay. I am enjoying the small things in my life, I'm giving up worrying, and I just really don't have any investment anymore in what happens to our marriage.
