It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

Hold on to this thought. Her life may not be as great as you imagine. On the weekends, I keep thinking about how much fun she "must" be having. Yet, I struggle with the weekends, so perhaps she is too. I mean, my social network is much larger than hers. In DBing, we're told to always put on a happy face. She may be doing that too.

I've seen the pictures. She's hanging out with all her old friends from when she was a kid. She went to a concert Sat.

It's hard and I'm having trouble with it, but try to stop thinking about her and concentrate on you. Easier said than done. The job thing is major. Are there any possibilities there?

No. And that's my own fault. She was the bread-winner for the last year and that's one of the big issues. Which is why I'm desperate to find one as soon as possible. I don't even care what it is any more.

In my case, today I was crumbling a bit inside with bitterness -- sitting at home does that -- when I thought that for 40 years I've pretty much been the one who loved half-heartedly while everyone else competed for my attention.

That started in child hood, continued in my teen years and then with my W. Her family was eager to take my into theirs, but I resisted and pushed them away. If I could do ONE thing different, it would be that.

Sounds very similar to my story, actually. I wish I had been closer to the people she loves. She has a strained relationship with her father, but he's changed since she was a kid and so far he's been the most supportive of our marriage.

And this is from someone who was very skeptical of organized religion before this happened.

W and I are both atheists. I only mention it because it was a bonding thing early on and has been throughout our M. It set us apart from a lot of our friends and relatives. We share a lot of beliefs to the extent that I sometimes doubt I'll ever find anyone that in tune with me again.

Thanks for advice. It helps. I don't know what she's thinking. The mantra of "believe nothing she says and half of what she does" is some help in that she's in a weird place that only seems to resemble the woman I love so much. I sometimes wonder who replaced her and could I love this new version. Is my W gone? Is she hiding under this strange MLC fog?

Not that I'm looking to repeat the past or that I want a doormat for a wife (she was a bit of one). I like the assertive, fun part of her. But she seems more concerned with using fun and reliving the past to cover up any guilt or sadness over her cutting me out of her life and my pain. She's a mom with a full-time over-night job. She has some health problems and insomnia. She's going to crack and it may be bad for me or it may be good for me.

Sorry... got off on a rant! lol!

Anyway, thanks again. It helps to hear from people who are going through the same things. I feel less alone.

[TooLateForMe]

I keep writing big long rants about my W and how hard it will be to forgive. I get to the end and realize I've talked myself back into DBing and waiting for the MLC/WAW stranger to transform back into the person who loves me.

I went through the same thing. She tried and when I wouldn't listen, she tried to go on with her life. She was patient, still loved me and tried to be supportive. Once again, I have to realize that my W is (was/will hopefully be again) smarter than I.

Forgiving is going to be one of the biggest challenges, right behind making it out alive.

[TooLateForMe]

My W is in Boulder, and that's where we lived. Does anyone know the cost of a session w/ Michele? Probably won't happen, but you never know.

[ClingingToHope]

I paid $390 for three sessions with Dottie. I've only used one so far. I have a second one scheduled for next week. Now that my contacts with W are going to be infrequent -- or at least I hope infrequent, kids are sick so she's calling every day -- how do I do 180s when there's so little contact.

[TooLateForMe]

Do the 180s (and all the changes) for you. You create change through your actions. It will show. The hardest part of all this for me to personally accept is that this is about MY changes. Hopefully, they will have an impact on my W. And they may not, at least not the one that I want.

I have to keep reminding myself that I want to change to be a better me, the best me I can be. And if my W doesn't want that, then someone will. But it's hard to remember that all the time when fighting against the new, fresh pain of the day-to-day.

[TooLateForMe]

Some advice before I do something dumb...

During a nightly call to D13 I explained that I would be taking the computer and the TV soon. She assumed I meant before I picked up all of my stuff. W overheard, got on the phone (we're in a mutual NC for another week) and got defensive about my taking their only working computer and the big-screen TV. She said something about having to baby-sit the rest of my stuff. I calmly reassured her that D misunderstood but she continued with the defensive attitude. After she understood and got off the phone I got a bit angry.

I wasn't the one who chose to end things. How is it unfair to keep my stuff there until I'm able to pick it up? Like it's MY intrusion on her space.

My temptation is to tell her this, that it's unfair to turn me into the bad guy over this and to jump down my throat. She's the one who's making this choice. I'm at the mercy of her decisions, not the other way around. I'll take responsibility for how I contributed but won't be a whipping boy. She should be patient with my situation as I have little choice in it. Even if that weren't the case I don't have the truck or money to drive up and pick it all up whenever I feel like it. And I also want to explain that I don't want our future R to be antagonistic, that if she wants to treat me that way, fine--I'm trying hard to rise above that and won't be drawn into it any more.

She also did this aloud in front of both Ds, casting me as the interloper that is ruining her new life just by having my stuff in what was once MY APARTMENT TOO. Not cool.

It's a NC period and I don't want to violate that but she did over a misunderstanding.

[TooLateForMe]

Talked to W for a long time about R. It wasn't intentional, she led it in that direction. I agreed with most of what she said. She doesn't buy that I've changed overnight. Good for her! But the upshot is she's exhausted with trying to make things work. I have a shot. I see it clearly. I have been reacting, making the mistake of expecting an immediate solution.

I know what to do. STAY IN HER LIFE! Make real and lasting changes. Show, don't tell (the writer in me should know this by now).

She "let" me compliment her, tell her I think she's sexy and appreciated it! That's HUGE! It won't win her back tomorrow but if I don't stop reacting to everything like its the end of the world she won't pay any attention to what I'm doing.

She isn't ready to compromise, though. But at some point I want to ask her to keep doing what she's doing but keep an open mind about my changes. I don't know when this could be asked but it would be an intermediary step to MC.

In the mean time I have to really change, really do my homework, GAL. No excuses. She is worth it.

[ClingingToHope]

Talked to W for a long time about R. It wasn't intentional, she led it in that direction. I agreed with most of what she said. She doesn't buy that I've changed overnight. Good for her! But the upshot is she's exhausted with trying to make things work. I have a shot. I see it clearly. I have been reacting, making the mistake of expecting an immediate solution.

I'm rooting for you. Our situations are pretty similar and I'm always looking for hope. How did you get into the R conversation?

[TooLateForMe]

Had a misunderstanding where I assumed she was mad about "babysitting" my stuff in her apartment. I wanted to chew her out but chose to send a text apologizing. She called back to let me know that she wasn't even mad about my stuff in the apt. that we both assumed the other was mad. It just evolved organically into a very mature conversation.

She kind of brought it up as an aside that she was exhausted. That shows me she's thinking about the issues. I listened mostly and agreed with her. The fact that she was the one who guided the conversation contradicts her words about being over it all. She's thinking about it. I brought up the possibility of C which she shot down ("no more fight in me"). I justified her position.

It evolved from there to a great conversation about her efforts to improve her life and I complimented her. I told her these new changes in her personality were sexy. She appreciated that and said she wanted to be told things like that. Again, she's giving me a map. I just need to pay attention.

We talked about her job after that and I felt good just doing that. I tried to be involved in the conversation rather than just mumbling through it the way I used to. It felt good to connect so personally. If I keep this up, show changes (positive attitude, engagement, emotion, interest and affection) then I will hopefully make some progress.

She's showing me a very wounded and hardened heart. I have to appreciate her vulnerability now and show her love. I hope she will heal.

Sorry to hear about your sick D, hope she gets better soon. Bronchitis is nasty and it's terrible to have to listen to your child cough like that all night long.

[ClingingToHope]

She's showing me a very wounded and hardened heart. I have to appreciate her vulnerability now and show her love. I hope she will heal.

That's great and keep it going.

Right now, all of our talks are very businesslike and her tone is always positive. We aren't fighting at all, no cross words, but I worry that means the train will just keep rumbling along the tracks until the D is filed and final.

I keep looking for an opening any opening where there is vulnerability and a chance for a real talk.

We had a great one a month ago and were supposed to talk once a week since but she hasn't called again otherwise.

But I'm only four and half months into the S and had a really weak moment just two weeks ago, which may have set me back.

There are four months left on the lease. Holidays. Winter weather. Finances. Lots of stuff that hopefully will trigger some introspection. I keep finding myself a moment away from pushing a R talk -- but really thanks to these boards, I hold back.

I think that's the real key to DBing. Keeping connected online to other posters to help me stay strong.