Oh, and one of the things he wanted his "sweetheart" to do was drive down to his work and bring him his medicine that he forgot. So I guess that was the reason for his change of attitude.
All I can say is thank God for my job. I love my job and I love most of the people I work with. It's a very cooperative and fun environment.
Being at home just makes me feel sick. I'm tired of the amount of effort this takes. I know marriage is work, but managing the fussy baby's moods is really getting old. Especially since this baby is taking a really long time to grow up.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I've been reading Adult Children Of Alcoholics tonight...it does apply to other reasons for dysfunction...and it does apply to children of children of A's...and of course it applies to how all this is shaping my own children.
A lot to think about. It's just really really hard for people so affected to achieve emotional intimacy, even with help.
I've just felt frustrated to the point of tears today...I still feel like I can't talk to him about anything. We have these major crazy things happen and they are severe enough to break through and have a talk, but it doesn't mean anything. He goes back to the same stuff, I'm not "allowed" to say anything...then he's Mr Happy. I hate it. Tonight he's Mr Happy...I just want him to get away from me.
He's never going to be able to sustain the kind of changes I need without help he won't even discuss getting. Which leaves me, as always, back at square one.
I still feel like I can't talk to him about anything. He's never going to be able to sustain the kind of changes I need without help he won't even discuss getting. Which leaves me, as always, back at square one.
I don't know your sitch well enough to give any advice other than to say that I have been told not to think in absolutes (e.g. anything & never). I wish I could give more help. I am wishing you the best.
Went for a long walk with the dog. I painted a little bit this morning. I went back to the art store and got a couple more things. The nicest guy works there and is funny and encouraging. Went to the salon and bought good shampoo. I am going to do power yoga this afternoon.
When I feel myself falling in the ditch, the best thing I can do is just go in another direction.
At the art shop I also bought some funny stickers...one was this gal laying on a chaise lounge with a long cigarette holder saying "I spend half my day BITCHING about the other half." Ahhh...had a good laugh at myself.
All I can say to you is that is it hard. What may help is learning to set good boundaries - detachment - letting go of the stuff that doesn't matter and only taking responsibility for your own stuff. Can't do more. That is all that can save you - I remember the drip...drip... drip stuff - it would wear me out until I screamed and then H would walk out on me. Can't win that way. Remember - it is his stuff and you don't have to take responsibility for it.
Continuing to try to focus more on me and things I can do..."the courage to change what I can" and that's mostly changing me. Taking more responsibility for things I should and taking more responsibility for making myself happy.
My high point for the day...the person that hired me for my new job told me I have been invaluable there, in front of the "big" boss.
Last night I was doing some housework, etc...and H jumped in to help..which then meant it turned in to a big production and arguing with the kids and on and on. Nothing is ever simple around H. A fight exploded between him and S12...I was sort of holding my breath...I mean, they're both looking at me, like who's right?? Both with that look in their eyes, like..see??? See what he's doing??? Back me up!! And really...they were both kind of right.
Meanwhile I'm in the middle...in the unwinnable spot. I walked in the bedroom...H followed me...I started by agreeing with him, that he was right..but that he could at least listen to what S12 was saying. He said but HE has a track record for doing XYZ. I said, and he has a track record for not feeling heard. Well, H said he doesn't care about that. I said ALL HE WANTS is to be heard. Yes, he should do what you said, he should do it without arguing about it, but he just wants you to give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to him for 15 seconds without talking over him and telling him he's "MAKING EXCUSES" when you don't even knowwhat he said.
So we had the usual thing about how H should just give commands, and everyone should say yessir and do it without saying a word, and they should do it without him saying anything in the first place, and they should be HAPPY about it and be smiling and cheerful, and should just clean the house and their room naturally. I said well it isn't natural. They have to be taught. But maybe we can teach them without all this anger.
Then I had to talk to S12, and he does always have something to say about everything (hmmm...) and I tried to explain what his dad was saying to him that he couldn't "hear" since his dad was just yelling and criticizing.
Then H apologized to S12 first...and said he is trying to learn how to be more patient and that it was going to take time and he couldn't do it overnight. He told him he loved him and S12 was getting older, and he didn't want to lose him, he wanted him to feel good about his home and his dad.
Then, he looked at me, and said sincerely, thanks for being the mediator in that situation. I was like...in shock. Because I think that's the first time he didn't seem to think I was taking sides when I was trying to actually...mediate. Then S12 asked if he could talk to his dad in private. So off they went.
Later I asked what that was about, and it turned out to be some questions S12 had about "the big change" (puberty)...so after all this drama, he then went in and had this father-son talk...so whatever was going on in S12's head, he obviously felt a lot of trust afterward.
So, it worked out. Of course, all I ever wanted to do was vacuum, and this stuff is exhausting. Any simple action can turn into a gigantic snowball of doom! So I have to spend my "off" time (away from them) doing things that rejuvenate the spirit. Which is what I am going to do now...
